Once upon a time, a young husband and wife of moderate means decided to have a child.  When the wife became pregnant, she developed a particular craving for lettuce.  As it happened, there was a large field of lettuce right next to the young couple's house.  Unfortunately, the owner of the lettuce field was a particularly nasty witch.

    "Gee, I sure would like to eat some of that great-looking lettuce over there," hinted the wife.

    "I don't know," said the husband.  "Do you think it's a good idea to do business with a witch?"

    At just that point, the witch popped in.

    "You cut me to the quick," she said.  "I'm really a very reasonable person.  In fact, I have a great deal for you that will keep your wife rolling in lettuce for months to come."

    "Ooo!" squealed the wife.  "What's the deal?"

    "You pay nothing now," crooned the witch.

    "That sounds great!" said the wife.

    "Then, when your baby is born," continued the witch, "I get it."

    "Oh," said the wife.  "That doesn't sound so great."

    "Pish-tosh!" said the witch.  "That day is so far away, it may never come.  Something may come up in the meantime.  I may offer you an out.  Like guessing my name or something."

    "Your name is Lydia!" cried the wife.  "That was easy!"

    "Well, then it won't be guessing my name.  But it might be something else.  The point is, why worry about an event that's so far off?"

    "Gee, that does sound like a good deal," said the husband.

    "Just a minute!" chimed in an unfamiliar voice.  "I'm the Good Fairy, and I'm here to warn you about this sneaky witch.  How can you even consider giving up your own child for a bunch of lettuce?  That doesn't make any sense at all."

    "She just doesn't want you to have any fun," said the witch.  "If you listen to her, you won't get to go to parties or visit with friends or have barbecues or watch Monday night football or anything."

    "That's ridiculous," said the Good Fairy.  "Why would I want to take away your fun?  What would I have to gain?  On the other hand, think about what the witch has to gain from lying to you."

    "It's just the way she gets her jollies," said the witch.  "She's perverse.  She doesn't like people to have fun."

    "No barbecues!" exclaimed the wife.

    "No Monday night football!" cried the husband.  "Just show me where to sign!"

                                                            **********

    And so the witch began to tag along to the Lamaze classes, and when the couple had a beautiful baby girl, the witch stepped right in and claimed her payment.

    "What about the out you were going to offer?" pleaded the mother.  "You know, guessing your name or something?"

    "Not in the contract," said the witch.

    "You said the day was so far off, it would never come!" protested the father.

    "Might never come," corrected the witch.  "You are an idiot, aren't you?"

    "Please don't take my baby!" wailed the distraught mother.

    "A deal's a deal," said the witch, taking the child.  "I think I'll name her 'Rapunzel.'"

    "But we didn't know this would happen!"

    "Well," said the witch, "now you know."

                                                            **********

    The years passed, and Rapunzel grew into a beautiful young woman.  The witch, not wanting to share Rapunzel with anyone, socked her away in a tower in the woods.  And this was not just some ordinary tower.  It had no doors, one room, and only a single window.  The room was way up at the top of the tower, so access was severely limited.  But the witch was nothing if not resourceful.  She noticed that Rapunzel had grown abnormally long hair during her captivity.  First, the witch made Rapunzel do rigorous neck-strengthening exercises.  Then she climbed up and down on the unfortunate girl's hair.  How Rapunzel got to the top of the tower in the first place is a mystery.

    One day, a passing prince caught sight of Rapunzel as he rode through the woods. He also saw the witch climbing up her hair, but he was so struck by Rapunzel’s beauty that even this bizarre spectacle didn’t put him off.

     “Wow!  What a babe!” he snorted.  “Just look at those ...”

     “Careful!” said a musical voice by his ear.  “Rapunzel is a sweet young woman. You must treat her with respect and kindness.”

     “Who’s there?” blurted the startled prince, falling off his horse.

     “It is I, the Good Fairy.  Rapunzel is a worthy maid.  I’m here to warn you to treat her properly.  If you do, you may win her hand.”

     By this time, the witch had sauntered over to see what all the commotion was about.

     “Stuff and nonsense!” said the witch.  “Go get her!  She wants  you!  You know she does!”

     “Don’t listen to this witch,” advised the Good Fairy.  “She wants to keep Rapunzel all to herself.”

     “The fairy just wants to spoil your fun.  If you do it her way,” wheedled the witch, “it could take weeks before you get anything.  Did I say weeks?  Months.  Maybe years.”

     “Lemme at ‘er!” roared the prince, and he raced to the tower without waiting for his horse.  “Rapunzel!  Let down your hair!”

     Rapunzel let down her hair, and the prince scampered up as fast as he could go. When he reached the window, Rapunzel dodged his lunge and nailed him with a hard right. “If the witch doesn’t blind you, I will!” she yelled as he plunged to the ground.

     The witch was waiting when he hit.

     “Wow!” said the prince.  “You may think you’re bad, but that was the wickedest right cross I never saw coming!  Say, I thought you said she wanted me!”

     The witch shrugged her shoulders.  “Guess you goofed,” she said.

     “But I didn’t know this would happen!”

     “Well,” said the witch, “now you know.”

                                                           **********

     “Do you believe those princes?  Third one this week, wasn’t it?  I’m getting really
tired of them.”  The witch was chuckling after having again climbed Rapunzel’s long
tresses.

     “You know what I’m really tired of?” asked Rapunzel.  “You!”

     And without further ceremony, she gave the witch a swift kick in the rear end.  The surprised witch described a perfect arc from window to ground, where she broke most of the important bones in her body.

     “Good Fairy, would you please get me down from here?” Rapunzel asked.

     “My pleasure,” said the Good Fairy.

     “Wait a minute!” squawked the witch, whose jaw was among her few unbroken bones.  “This wasn’t supposed to happen! I’m the clever con artist.  I didn’t know the rules applied to me, too!”

 “Well,” said Rapunzel, “now you know.”
 

When the EPA proposed more stringent standards for clean air, the polluters launched a disinformation campaign, claiming that the new standards would prohibit us from mowing our lawns or having barbecues.  Patent rubbish, although I would welcome freedom from both.  Somehow, these guys never get that everyone breathes the same air.