"The Court of the Holy Profits
is now
in session. The witness will please state his name and
occupation."
"Jehovah, Creator and Sustainer of
the Universe. Among other things."
The attorney eyed his witness
thoughtfully.
"Now, Mr. Jehovah," he began, "you are being sued by the Pork Purveyors
of Judea under the Food Protection Act. What do you have to say
for
yourself?"
"Food Protection Act? Does it
protect food from contamination?" queried the witness.
"No," said the attorney.
"Does it protect food from being
overpriced?"
"No," said the attorney.
"Then just what does it protect food
from?"
"It protects food from being
insulted." The attorney paused for dramatic effect before
wheeling
to face the witness. "By people like you!"
"Insulted? Food? Do we
live in the same universe?"
"Yes! Insulted! Any
malicious
slight to a food product may have a devastating impact on the profits
of
the fine people who bought and paid for this law! Mr. Jehovah, do
you deny defaming pork?"
"Are you referring to the
prohibition
of pork in the Bible?"
"So, you admit it?"
"Of course. The pig is an
unclean
animal. It carries trichinosis. The prohibition is very
clear."
"And are you an expert in dietary
matters?" asked the attorney.
"Of course. I'm an expert on
everything."
"So, do you have a medical
degree?
Perhaps a doctoral degree in nutrition, microbiology, or some other
relevant
discipline?"
"No."
"Not an expert!" said the
attorney.
He turned pointedly toward the judge.
"Mr. Jehovah," said the judge.
"You are not presenting a very convincing case. The law clearly
states
that any criticism of a commercial food product must be scientifically
proven beyond doubt."
"Poppycock," said Mr. Jehovah.
"I invented science."
"But you have no expert witnesses,"
continued the judge. "The Pork people have paid dozens of experts
to testify on their behalf. I'm afraid I must rule in favor of
the
Pork Purveyors of Judea. You are hereby enjoined from further
defaming
pork. You may not perpetrate your slanders among
Christians.
I guess you can have the Jews."
"How about Muslims?"
"You can have the Muslims if you
agree
to do business under ninety-nine different names," the judge
snickered.
"Hah! You'll never be able to do that! For reparations, you
will be required to allow greedy scoundrels to prosper."
Just then, there was a hubbub in
the
back of the court. "Wait! Wait! I demand to be heard!"
The judge rapped his gavel for
order.
"And who might you be?" he asked.
"I am a consumer," replied the
intruder.
"These pork sellers poisoned my children! I demand justice!"
"Can you afford it?" asked the
judge.
"The Legislature of the Holy Profits has passed Tort Reform.
Haven't
you heard of Tort Reform?"
"No," replied the consumer.
"What does that mean?"
"It means," said the judge,
"that you don't get to sue the Pork Purveyors of Judea for
poisoning
your children, but they get to sue you for making jokes
about
their products. Now, that's what I call justice! I
hope
you can support the charges you just made."
"If you can't," added the
attorney,
"we'll take everything you have. If you can, maybe we
won't take anything, but I hope you can afford a lawyer!"