"Mr. Piggott? This is Lillian Henner from the State Environmental Protection Agency."

"Is that Lillian 'Red' Henner? Yes, I've heard of you. What can I do for you today?"

"I'm in charge of maintaining water quality in the state, and I'm trying to enlist support from industry, government, and the public. As a leader of industry, can I count on your support?"

"Not I," said Mr. Piggott. "Where would I dump my waste? But thanks for calling. And have a nice day!"

                                                            **********

"Mr. Whiskers? This is Lil Henner from SEPA. The quality of our water supply is at serious risk. We need broad public support to prevent widespread pollution. It would be in your best interests to support us in this. What do you say?"

"Not I," said Mr. Whiskers. "It might cost money."

"But isn't your health and the health of your children worth a little investment?"

"Keeping the water clean is your problem. You have to do it, but I'm not paying another penny. In fact, I'm paying too much already. You don't need all of that tax money to do your job."

                                                            **********

"Mr. Quackenbush? This is Lil Henner from SEPA. We need the support of our elected officials to protect our water supply. Can I count on you?"

"Not I," said Mr. Quackenbush. "I need Mr. Whiskers' vote to keep my job, and I need Mr. Piggott's financial support to go on TV and convince Mr. Whiskers to vote for me."

                                                            **********

"Mr. Piggott? This is Lil Henner again. The water has become polluted. We are in desperate need of help to clean it up. Can you help?"

"Not I," said Mr. Piggott. "Clean-up is expensive. It would cut into my profits. But I'm sure your agency will manage."

                                                            **********

"Mr. Whiskers? Lil Henner here. Our water supply is becoming dangerously polluted. We will need public support to clean it up. Will you help?"

"Not I," said Mr. Whiskers. "It might cost money. I need all of mine to pay for treatment for all the rare forms of cancer my family has suddenly contracted."

                                                            **********

"Mr. Quackenbush? This is Lil Henner."

"Ah, Lil 'Red' Henner. Always a pleasure to hear from you."

"The water situation is getting critical. Pollution is spreading fast. Disease follows the pollution. Please help."

"Not I," said Mr. Quackenbush. "It wouldn't be popular. I'm working on more ways to cut government spending. Now, that's popular. If I lost Mr. Piggott's support, I'd lose my job. And my yacht and my Porsche, too. Then I would be no help to anyone, would I? Carry on!"

                                                            **********

"Ms. Henner? This is Mr. Piggott. I need more water! I'm building a water park! What's going on over there?"

"Well, against all odds, and no thanks to you, there does seem to be a little clean water left in the state. But there's certainly not enough for a wasteful enterprise like a water park."

"We'll soon see about that!" huffed Mr. Piggott.

                                                            **********

"Ms. Henner? This is Mr. Whiskers. Gak!" And Mr. Whiskers expired of thirst.

                                                            **********

"Ms. Henner? This is Mr. Quackenbush. I find your performance completely unacceptable. Your agency is unwieldy, inefficient, and wasteful of tax dollars. Worst of all, you have allowed the state's waterways and aquifers to become seriously polluted. Effective immediately, all SEPA functions have been contracted out to private industry, which will achieve better results at lower cost."

"Do I have to ask who got the contract?"

"Why, Mr. Piggott, of course. Do you have any comment on that?"

"Not I," said Ms. Henner.