Mr. McGillicutty had just been wheeled
into the operating room.
"So, does Dr. Hacker have his scalpel
hand limbered up?" he asked nervously.
"Oh, Dr. Hacker won't be performing
this operation," replied the nurse off-handedly.
"Uh, he won't?" squeaked Mr. McGillicutty
anxiously. "But he's the best heart surgeon in town, and we've had this
surgery scheduled for two months!"
"Oh, pshaw," said the nurse. "It's
only bypass surgery."
"Only? I wouldn't put 'only'
and 'bypass surgery' in the same sentence."
"Well, how about this?" suggested
the nurse. "'The bypass surgery was a total failure, and the patient survived
for only ten minutes.'"
"Aak! I mean next to each other!
Anyway, this is octuple bypass surgery, and I don't think anyone but Dr.
Hacker has ever done that before!"
"Relax," said the nurse soothingly.
"Dr. Root will perform the surgery."
"Dr. Root? Dr. Root?"
cried Mr. McGillicutty, attempting to climb off the gurney. "He's my dentist!
What does he know about heart surgery?"
"Don't worry," said the nurse as two
burly orderlies subdued the reluctant patient. "He's a fully qualified
medical professional. What's the difference?"
"What's the difference?" squawked
Mr. McGillicutty. "I'll tell you ..."
But at that moment, Dr. Root arrived.
"Dr. Root! Dr. Root!" cried Mr. McGillicutty.
"Help! Tell these people you can't perform coronary bypass surgery!"
"Can't do that," said Dr. Root cheerfully.
"You see? He can't do that!"
"Oh, no," corrected Dr. Root. "I can't
tell them I can't do that."
"But why not?" whined Mr. M. "You
can't, can you?"
"I wouldn't say I can't," said
Dr. Root. "That would be a mighty poor attitude, wouldn't it? Poor
team player and all that. Just because I never have doesn't
mean I can't."
"Eek!" shrieked Mr. McGillicutty.
"What's going on here?"
"Just a small realignment of duties,"
smiled Dr. Root. "For efficiency. Dr. Hacker had too many responsibilities,
so some of them have been reassigned to me."
"But ... but ..." whimpered Mr. McGillicutty
"Now, I know what you're thinking,"
said Dr. Root encouragingly, "but there's nothing to worry about."
"Maybe not for you," interjected
Mr. McGillicutty.
"I've been reading The Big Book
of Coronary Bypasses," continued Dr. Root. "Fascinating stuff!
And I can always call Dr. Hacker if I have any questions. Ok, let's
get going! First, you're going to need a great, big shot of Novocain!"
Dr. Root produced a gigantic needle
and advanced on Mr. McGillicutty, who was wriggling desperately between
the two orderlies. Just as the needle approached his chest, he passed
out.
"Wow! This is going to be easier
than I thought!" crowed Dr. Root.
Mr. McGillicutty awoke mumbling.
"Gosh, what an awful nightmare I was
having! I dreamed a dentist was about to operate on my heart.
Aiiieee!"
Dr. Root was poking at Mr. McGillicutty's
heart with hooked metal implements.
"Now, you should never try
this yourself!" advised the doctor. "Only a trained professional should
do this!"
Mr. McGillicutty passed out again.
He was awakened by someone gently shaking his shoulders. It was Dr.
Root.
"I've just cleaned your heart up,"
said Dr. Root affably. "Now, I want you to give that a good slosh around
your chest cavity. Then I'll suction it up."
"Oh, just one more thing," capitulated
Mr. McGillicutty faintly. "Are we still on for my dental cleaning next
month?"
"I'm afraid I won't be able to do
that,"
said Dr. Root. "Too much heart surgery on my plate. But don't worry.
We've got you covered. Dr. Butts, the former proctologist, will fix
you right up!"