A Realignment of Responsibilities
                                                                                           copyright © 2002 by Robert L. Blau

    Mr. McGillicutty had just been wheeled into the operating room.
    "So, does Dr. Hacker have his scalpel hand limbered up?" he asked nervously.
    "Oh, Dr. Hacker won't be performing this operation," replied the nurse off-handedly.
    "Uh, he won't?" squeaked Mr. McGillicutty anxiously. "But he's the best heart surgeon in town, and we've had this surgery scheduled for two months!"
    "Oh, pshaw," said the nurse. "It's only bypass surgery."
    "Only?  I wouldn't put 'only' and 'bypass surgery' in the same sentence."
    "Well, how about this?" suggested the nurse. "'The bypass surgery was a total failure, and the patient survived for only ten minutes.'"
    "Aak!  I mean next to each other!  Anyway, this is octuple bypass surgery, and I don't think anyone but Dr. Hacker has ever done that before!"
    "Relax," said the nurse soothingly. "Dr. Root will perform the surgery."
    "Dr. Root?  Dr. Root?" cried Mr. McGillicutty, attempting to climb off the gurney. "He's my dentist!  What does he know about heart surgery?"
    "Don't worry," said the nurse as two burly orderlies subdued the reluctant patient. "He's a fully qualified medical professional.  What's the difference?"
    "What's the difference?" squawked Mr. McGillicutty. "I'll tell you ..."
    But at that moment, Dr. Root arrived.
    "Dr. Root! Dr. Root!" cried Mr. McGillicutty. "Help!  Tell these people you can't perform coronary bypass surgery!"
    "Can't do that," said Dr. Root cheerfully.
    "You see?  He can't do that!"
    "Oh, no," corrected Dr. Root. "I can't tell them I can't do that."
    "But why not?" whined Mr. M. "You can't, can you?"
    "I wouldn't say I can't," said Dr. Root. "That would be a mighty poor attitude, wouldn't it?  Poor team player and all that.  Just because I never have doesn't mean I can't."
    "Eek!" shrieked Mr. McGillicutty. "What's going on here?"
    "Just a small realignment of duties," smiled Dr. Root. "For efficiency.  Dr. Hacker had too many responsibilities, so some of them have been reassigned to me."
    "But ... but ..." whimpered Mr. McGillicutty
    "Now, I know what you're thinking," said Dr. Root encouragingly, "but there's nothing to worry about."
    "Maybe not for you," interjected Mr. McGillicutty.
    "I've been reading The Big Book of Coronary Bypasses," continued Dr. Root. "Fascinating stuff!  And I can always call Dr. Hacker if I have any questions.  Ok, let's get going!  First, you're going to need a great, big shot of Novocain!"
    Dr. Root produced a gigantic needle and advanced on Mr. McGillicutty, who was wriggling desperately between the two orderlies.  Just as the needle approached his chest, he passed out.
    "Wow!  This is going to be easier than I thought!" crowed Dr. Root.
    Mr. McGillicutty awoke mumbling.
    "Gosh, what an awful nightmare I was having!  I dreamed a dentist was about to operate on my heart.  Aiiieee!"
    Dr. Root was poking at Mr. McGillicutty's heart with hooked metal implements.
    "Now, you should never try this yourself!" advised the doctor. "Only a trained professional should do this!"
    Mr. McGillicutty passed out again.  He was awakened by someone gently shaking his shoulders.  It was Dr. Root.
    "I've just cleaned your heart up," said Dr. Root affably. "Now, I want you to give that a good slosh around your chest cavity.  Then I'll suction it up."
    "Oh, just one more thing," capitulated Mr. McGillicutty faintly. "Are we still on for my dental cleaning next month?"
    "I'm afraid I won't be able to do that," said Dr. Root. "Too much heart surgery on my plate.  But don't worry.  We've got you covered.  Dr. Butts, the former proctologist, will fix you right up!"