The MSU Method

I'm old enough to remember the Bad Old Days, when every new Internet headline brought fresh anguish. Soaring deficits. Yet another gun massacre. Double-digit unemployment. A collapsing health care system. A collapsing economy. A broken education system. Extreme political polarization. Extreme polar politicization. A deadlocked, do-nothing Congress. Terrorism. War. Poverty. Religious rancor. Rancorous religion. Daggers-drawn debate over evolution vs. creationism. I could go on, but it is to laugh, now, eh?

Just compare: The good ol' US of A, back on top. Best health care system in the world. No crime. No unemployment. No deficits. Absolutely, no Global Warming. Best education system in the world. Sane and responsible use of firearms. All conflicts relegated to the scrap-heap of history.

I blame "scientific method," myself. It was too hard, too complicated, too ... well, "iffy." You couldn't get a straight answer about anything, and people were always arguing. Since that was replaced by the infinitely superior MSU method, it has been nothing but prosperity and smooth sailing.

Sure, there are still a few cynics left. They are to be tolerated and, above all, pitied. Take my friend Willy. He still goes on about the old, dead arguments.

"The Antarctic shelf is collapsing," he whines. "The air is so dirty you can see it! We're wresting rats for dumpster privileges! You're living in a bloody cardboard box! The entire Florida peninsula is under water!"

"Tut, tut," I chide him. "I'm going to Miami Beach for Christmas vacation." I lovingly thump my sturdy corrugated walls. "Finest kind," I note.

"What is the matter with you?" he carps. "When you don't like reality, you just ... make shit up!"

Indeed. It's what separates us from the animals.