To:         America
From:     God
Subject:  Required Reforms

I am not accustomed to explaining my actions to my creatures.  I think it interferes with free will.  However, as recent events have left matters more than normally confused, I feel that it is incumbent upon me to offer some guidance.  Some of you have asked why I permitted the gratuitous slaughter of several thousand innocent people before breakfast one morning.  Well, here is my list of grievances against the American people:

1.  Prayer is not allowed in public schools.  It diminishes my power and glory when children do not pray to me while in school.  Besides, public school teachers are the perfect people to lead children in the prayers I want to hear.  And screw the parents if they don't like it!
2.  Legal abortion.  Abortion is murder, and everyone who participates in it must die.  And I hope the random violent deaths of some 6,000 people make that point.
3.  Homosexuality.  This is an abomination to me.  I suppose I could have made everyone heterosexual, if I'd wanted to, but it's more fun this way.
4.  Feminism.  If I had intended for women to be equal to men, I would have given them penises.  Hey, I'm a man!  We guys need to stick together!
5.  The ACLU.  Bunch of Commies.  Nobody asked me before they wrote the Bill of Rights!
6.  Harry Potter.  Yeah, yeah.  I know it was written by a Brit.  So what?
7.  Teletubbies.  Need I say more?

Ok, you guys are in deep doo-doo with me right now, but I'm going to give you one last chance.  I know that it is difficult to change a culture overnight.  Fortunately, there is a blueprint for you to copy.  And it isn't just some tired old document.  It's a living, functioning society!  This society already meets all my criteria:  Prayer in school.   Zero tolerance for abortion, homosexuality, and feminism.  No ACLU, no Harry Potter, and no Teletubbies!  To avoid my further wrath, apply to:

                                              Mullah Omar
                                              Kabul, Afghanistan.

I'm sure he will be more than happy to show you how it's done.

G.