The Foundation of Our Society
                                                                                      copyright © 2002 by Robert L. Blau

    The cottage is picturesque and covered with ivy.  It is surrounded by an immaculate, squeaky-white picket fence.  Flowers abound in every available niche and cranny around the house, and two bunnies frolic happily in the spacious front yard.
    We are just in time, for Mr. Rabbit is just coming home from work.  Mr. Rabbit, Mr. Rabbit!
    "Yes?" says Mr. Rabbit uncertainly, righting his glasses on his nose to get a better look. "And who might you be?"
    He looks as if he might make a dash for the bushes at any moment.
    I'm here to interview you and your wife.
    "Oh?  What about?" he asks, still looking a bit skittish.
    I'm doing a story on the success of the government Marriage Incentive Program.
    "Oh, yes!" says Mr. Rabbit, brightening up. "I'll call the missus.  Flopsy!  Flopsy!  Can you come out here a minute?"
    "What is it, Peter?" pipes a voice from inside the cottage.
    Isn't Flopsy your sister, Mr. Rabbit?
    Mr. Rabbit reddens.  "That's a slander!" he says hotly. "That story comes from the Anti-Rabbit crowd!"
    By now, Flopsy has emerged from the house.
    Ms. Rabbit, I'm here to interview you about the Marriage Incentive Program.
    "That's Mrs. Rabbit, if you please," corrects Mrs. Rabbit.
    I beg your pardon.  Can you explain to me in your own words what the MIP is about?
    "Oh, certainly!  I owe all of this to the MIP!" gushes Mrs. Rabbit with a sweeping gesture that includes everything that lies within the picket fence.
    How so?
    "I used to live in a hole!" she says. "Can you believe it?  With all my numerous progeny, yet!  Peter would just hop in for a quick roll in the hay, and then he'd be off to heaven knows where until the urge hit him again.  It was terrible for the children.  No father figure in the hole.  And there was never enough food in the hole!  We used to go out to people's gardens and steal food, just to stay alive.  And sometimes there were unfortunate accidents with dogs and cats.  I just hated dogs and cats!  Of course, now, I understand that they only tried to tear us apart for our own good."
    So, how did the MIP change this?
    "Well, along came the government and offered us a Cabbage Incentive to get married!"
    And what is a 'Cabbage Incentive?'
    "Why, it's a whole extra cabbage every month!" interjects Mr. Rabbit. "That sure caught my attention!"
    So, you got married, then?
    "We sure did!" say Mr. and Mrs. Rabbit, gliding together and grasping each other's paws. "How could anyone say 'no' to a cabbage a month?"
    How did this change your lives?
    "Well, I stopped tom-catting around, for one thing," says Mr. Rabbit. "Moved in with the family and got myself a good job as a computer programmer."
    "Of course, since we're married now, there's no more sex," says Mrs. Rabbit.
    Mr. and Mrs. Rabbit peck each other on the cheek.
    "We're helping break that awful stereotype about rabbits," she continues. "We've gotten rid of all the surplus children, and now we have just the two."
    "Ah, yes," smiles Mr. Rabbit proudly. "Eddie and Jessica."
    "And, of course, we have this wonderful home," says Mrs. Rabbit. "And TV and credit cards and an internet connection."
    All this because of a couple of cabbages?
    "Not just a couple of cabbages!" Mr. Rabbit corrects me. "One every month!"
    Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Rabbit.
    "No," they say in unison. "Thank the MIP!"
 

The next round of "welfare reform" is supposed to feature marriage incentives.  For example, if a poor, single mother has an abusive, drug-addicted (and also poor) boyfriend, we recommend that she marry this guy.  Come again?  Just an example.  There is apparently no limit to the range of social ills that can be solved by the magical marriage wand.

 

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