The cottage is picturesque and covered
with ivy. It is surrounded by an immaculate, squeaky-white picket
fence. Flowers abound in every available niche and cranny around
the house, and two bunnies frolic happily in the spacious front yard.
We are just in time, for Mr. Rabbit
is just coming home from work. Mr. Rabbit, Mr. Rabbit!
"Yes?" says Mr. Rabbit uncertainly,
righting his glasses on his nose to get a better look. "And who might you
be?"
He looks as if he might make a dash
for the bushes at any moment.
I'm here to interview you and your
wife.
"Oh? What about?" he asks, still
looking a bit skittish.
I'm doing a story on the success
of the government Marriage Incentive Program.
"Oh, yes!" says Mr. Rabbit, brightening
up. "I'll call the missus. Flopsy! Flopsy! Can you come
out here a minute?"
"What is it, Peter?" pipes a voice
from inside the cottage.
Isn't Flopsy your sister, Mr. Rabbit?
Mr. Rabbit reddens. "That's
a slander!" he says hotly. "That story comes from the Anti-Rabbit crowd!"
By now, Flopsy has emerged from the
house.
Ms. Rabbit, I'm here to interview
you about the Marriage Incentive Program.
"That's Mrs. Rabbit, if you
please," corrects Mrs. Rabbit.
I beg your pardon. Can you
explain to me in your own words what the MIP is about?
"Oh, certainly! I owe all of
this to the MIP!" gushes Mrs. Rabbit with a sweeping gesture that includes
everything that lies within the picket fence.
How so?
"I used to live in a hole!" she says.
"Can you believe it? With all my numerous progeny, yet! Peter
would just hop in for a quick roll in the hay, and then he'd be off to
heaven knows where until the urge hit him again. It was terrible
for the children. No father figure in the hole. And there was
never enough food in the hole! We used to go out to people's gardens
and steal food, just to stay alive. And sometimes there were unfortunate
accidents with dogs and cats. I just hated dogs and cats!
Of course, now, I understand that they only tried to tear us apart for
our own good."
So, how did the MIP change this?
"Well, along came the government and
offered us a Cabbage Incentive to get married!"
And what is a 'Cabbage Incentive?'
"Why, it's a whole extra cabbage every
month!" interjects Mr. Rabbit. "That sure caught my attention!"
So, you got married, then?
"We sure did!" say Mr. and Mrs. Rabbit,
gliding together and grasping each other's paws. "How could anyone say
'no' to a cabbage a month?"
How did this change your lives?
"Well, I stopped tom-catting around,
for one thing," says Mr. Rabbit. "Moved in with the family and got myself
a good job as a computer programmer."
"Of course, since we're married now,
there's no more sex," says Mrs. Rabbit.
Mr. and Mrs. Rabbit peck each other
on the cheek.
"We're helping break that awful stereotype
about rabbits," she continues. "We've gotten rid of all the surplus children,
and now we have just the two."
"Ah, yes," smiles Mr. Rabbit proudly.
"Eddie and Jessica."
"And, of course, we have this wonderful
home," says Mrs. Rabbit. "And TV and credit cards and an internet connection."
All this because of a couple of
cabbages?
"Not just a couple of
cabbages!" Mr. Rabbit corrects me. "One every month!"
Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Rabbit.
"No," they say in unison. "Thank the
MIP!"
The next round of "welfare reform" is supposed to feature marriage incentives. For example, if a poor, single mother has an abusive, drug-addicted (and also poor) boyfriend, we recommend that she marry this guy. Come again? Just an example. There is apparently no limit to the range of social ills that can be solved by the magical marriage wand.