A Lemming's Tale
                                                                                          copyright © 1999 by Robert L. Blau
                                                                                                                   with the collaboration of Fiona Lewis;
                                                                                                                   Thanks for the ideas!
    "Rise and shine!  Time to go kill ourselves!"
    "Aw, Mom!"  Scooter wiggled his little snout.  "I don't feel like doing it today.  Can't I sleep in instead?"
    "No, you don't, young pup!" chided his mother.  "Today is the day all of us lemmings go over the cliff."
    "But I don't want to do it today," Scooter bargained.  "How about tomorrow?"
    "Nope.  Lemmings always do everything together, especially the Mass Suicide.  You wouldn't want to die all by yourself, would you?  Would you rather get caught by a weasel?"  Mom shook her head disapprovingly.  "No two ways about it.  Today's the day."
    "Uh, put it that way, Mom, I don't want to jump off a cliff just because everyone else is doing it.  I don't think it's a good idea."
    "And I suppose if none of your friends didn't jump off a cliff, you wouldn't, eh?"
    "Um, I have no idea what you just said."
    "Well, of course you don't!" exclaimed his mother.  "We lemmings aren't supposed to understand, we're supposed to do and die!"
    "Well, I don't think Cliff and Weasel are the only options," Scooter protested.
    "Of course not!  There's also hawk and fox and owl and a whole raft of others.  Consider this, Son," Mom continued in a softer tone.  "In the Beginning was the Cliff.  The Great Lemming looked upon the Cliff and saw that it was good.  But the Great Lemming was sore troubled, for He was lonely.  So, the Great Lemming stepped forth upon the Cliff, and lo!  He went over the side, head first.  And when He smote the bottom, he burst into a thousand lemmings.  And that is where the race of lemmings originated and why we partake of the Mass Suicide.  It is in honor of the Great Lemming, Who gave His life, that we should never have to experience loneliness.  Do you understand now?"
    "I understand that I don't want to follow a pack of morons to my death," Scooter objected.  "I don't believe all that 'Great Lemming' stuff."
    "Not believe in the Great Lemming?"  Mother Lemming was shocked.  "Wait until I tell your father about this!  If I can figure out which one he is, that is."
    Mother Lemming scanned the sea of lemmings for a moment.  "He'll do," she said.  "Hey, you!  This pup, who might possibly be your son, needs a good talking to!"
    A pudgy little male looked up.  "Me?  You're talking to me?"
    "Uh, sure!" said Mother Lemming.  "You'll do as well as any.  Your, uh, son here has a headful of fancy ideas.  Doesn't want to jump off the cliff.  Doesn't believe in the Great Lemming!"
    "Ah, I see," said the pudgy male understandingly.  He waddled over to Scooter and patted him reassuringly on the back.  "You know, I'm not so sure about the Great Lemming myself, but let me tell you something about what it means to be a lemming."
    "Oh?  What's that?" asked Scooter cautiously.
    "We lemmings belong to a unique society.  It is the only truly egalitarian, classless society in the world."
    "How so?"  Scooter was skeptical.
    "Here, let me show you something," said the pudgy male, leading Scooter to the edge of the cliff.  "Just look down there.  It doesn't matter who you think you are up here.  Down there, everyone is roadkill."
    And with that, he gave Scooter a gentle shove.

    Of course, lemmings aren't suicidal.  They're just not very bright.  Add to that the pressures of overpopulation, and a "thinning of the herd" ensues.  Fortunately, human beings are too intelligent to make massive suicidal blunders.  (Written the 24th day following the defeat of the Comprehensive Test Ban Treaty by the U.S. Senate.)