The ship was two days out of port when the typhoon hit. Towering waves washed over the deck. Masts snapped like matchsticks.
    “Strange,” mused the captain. “This wasn’t on any of the weather maps or even the Weather Channel. How do you miss a typhoon? I must consult the ship’s soothsayer. Good thing this ship has a soothsayer!”
    “Weird indeed,” agreed the ship’s soothsayer. “I’m not too good on natural phenomena, but this looks like a Wrath of God incident. I suspect we have someone on board who got on God’s Bad list.”
    The captain squirmed. “She didn’t tell me she was married! Honest!”
    “No, no,” said the soothsayer. “Worse than that. Let’s draw lots. That oughtta flush the culprit out.”

    The captain gathered all crew and passengers on deck. Only a few were washed overboard as he spoke.
    “The soothsayer says this storm has struck us because we have a sinner on board.”
    Everyone started talking and making excuses at once.
    “It wasn’t my fault!”
    “I only shorted him a little. That is, I only shorted them a little.”
    “Can’t I even cheat the IRS? What kind of a universe is this?”
    “She didn’t tell me she was married!”
    “Silence! Please!” insisted the captain. “Let’s get this settled before the ship goes down with all of us. The soothsayer says we should draw lots.”
    There was a lot of grumbling. Each person was sure that he was the culprit. When at last the lots were drawn, the grumbling gave way to surprise, relief, and outrage. The hunt for the guilty was on.
    “Who is it?”
    “Where is the rotten #%!&?”
    “Hang him from the yardarms! Whoops! There aren’t any yardarms!”
    “I’m afraid it’s me,” said a voice from the rear.
    “Show yourself!” demanded the crowd. “What is your name, and what have you done that has imperiled this ship?”
    “My name is Jonah,” said Jonah.
    “Kill the wretch!”
    “I disobeyed God’s command.”
    “Despicable!”
    “I ran away from the Lord.”
    “Cowardly!”
    “He told me to carry a message, but I was afraid.”
    “Disgraceful!”
    “He told me to go unto the state legislature and tell them of his displeasure.”
    “We understand. We’ll back you up, if you like. Can we intercede for this poor guy?”
    Then the Voice of God came forth from the tempest. “Look, thou art all trying my patience now. Just toss him overboard and I’ll call off the dogs.”

    Jonah sank into the unquiet sea. How long he sank, he could not tell. As he was about to give up his soul, a monstrous form emerged from the deep. Gigantic jaws opened wide, and he found himself being peristaltically squeezed down an enormous esophagus. He had been swallowed by a whale.
    “Looks like I’ll have a long time alone to consider my actions,” thought Jonah as he looked at the digesting mush around him. “Fish and kelp. Looks like a pretty balanced diet.”
    But Jonah was wrong on every count. For one thing, the whale was woefully deficient in grains. For another, he had barely gathered his wits when another body came shooting down the whale’s esophagus.
    The new arrival flopped smack on top of a half-digested carp and sat dazedly blinking his eyes. Jonah didn’t remember having seen him on the ship.
    “Hi. I’m Jonah,” said Jonah in his most neighborly tone. “I’m in for disobeying the Lord. How about you?”
    “Oh!” The new guy noticed Jonah for the first time. “I’m just a poor woodcutter. A fairy sent me here. I guess you outrank me! It’s kind of a long story. But I’m not worried. My son will come and rescue me.”
    “Your son?”
    “Oh, yes! He’s a very important and powerful man now. But it wasn’t always so. I carved him myself.”
    “You carved your son?” Jonah shook his head sympathetically. The old guy obviously had a loose screw or two.
    “I see that you’re skeptical, but I’m telling you the truth. I carved a beautiful puppet. Then I wished very hard that he were my son. That’s where the fairy came in. She granted my wish. Sort of. She brought the puppet to life, gave him consciousness, but he was still wooden. It doesn’t matter. I still love him. He’s a senator now. The fairy wants me to let her yank the consciousness, but I won’t do it.”
    “Wake up and smell the coffee, old man,” said a voice unfamiliar to Jonah. “He’s not coming. He’s a worthless punk.”
    “Did you leave the note telling him where I was?” asked the woodcutter. “It’s the fairy,” he whispered to Jonah.
    “Yes,” said the fairy. “He has an accountant evaluating your assets as we speak.”
    “Lies!” said the woodcutter. “I’m sure he’ll come!”
    “Lies?” laughed the fairy. “You want lies? You know how his nose grows when he tells a lie? He keeps a rhinologist on staff, for Pete’s sake. He needs a nose job weekly. Daily during election years. Come on, say the word, and the kid’s kindling.”
    “Never! I know he’s a good boy!” The woodcutter turned to Jonah. “It was my wish, you see. She can’t cancel it without my permission.”
    “Aw, c’mon,” begged the fairy. “Let me toast him.”
    Jonah could see that the old guy was going to be in the whale for a long time unless someone did something.
    “Lord!” cried Jonah, reaching skyward, or top-of-whale-stomachward. “I am ready to obey! But please let me take this old woodcutter with me.”
    And so it was that God instructed the whale to put the odd couple ashore.
    “What a stomach ache I have!” groaned the whale. “Just remember what a good sport I’ve been when it’s time for bonuses!”

    “So, this is the state legislature! I’ve been meaning to come and visit my son, but something always seemed to come up at the last minute. Important government business, you see.”
    The old man was clearly both impressed and in denial. “Why, there’s my boy now! Pinocchio! Pinocchio!”
    “Dad! You’re ... alive!” stammered the senator. “That’s ... wonderful! I was just about to come looking for you. I was sponsoring a bill to lift the whaling ban to put pressure on that beast to let you go. But now I see that it’s unnecessary. Wait a minute! Important senate business!”
    The senator pulled out a cellular phone and quickly punched in some numbers.
    “Joe?” he rasped as softly as he could. “Yeah, it’s me. Ix-nay on the estate-sale-yay. At least for the time being.”
    “Couldn’t help noticing that your nose grew about 18 inches while you were talking to your dad,” Jonah observed.
    “You like it?” Senator Pinocchio beamed. “My colleagues have elected me the new Senate Majority Leader, mostly because of the nose. They want to make it the official symbol of the Senate. Sort of a Rudolph-the-Red-Nosed-Reindeer kind of thing. Suits me. Now I don’t have to get my nose bobbed so often. Well, gotta go. Bye!”
    “But, Pinocchio,” protested the old man. “I’ve barely had a chance to see you!”
    “Please let me fry the punk!” pleaded the fairy. And off went the three of them, with Pinocchio in the lead.

    “Hear me! Hear me!” Jonah was flagging down legislators in the halls of the Capitol. “The Lord has sent me!”
    “Which Lord would that be?”
    “Which Lord? The Lord!”
    “Give us a hint. Which industry? Oil? Computers? We serve so many.”
    “The Lord!” Jonah shrieked. “The one Lord!”
    “Ah! Computers, then. So, how much have you brought us?”
    “How much?” Jonah was momentarily confused.
    “You know, contributions.” The legislator eyed him suspiciously. “You don’t look like any lobbyist I’ve ever met.”
    “Thank you! No, I’m not a lobbyist. God sent me to warn you to repent of your wicked ways.”
    “Are you a member of the Christian Coalition?”
    “No.”
    “Then God wouldn’t be talking to you, would He?”
    “He did speak to me!” Jonah insisted. “Remember whom you serve!”
    “We do. We serve the Lords. The ones who are rich enough to afford us.”
    “No, no! You’re supposed to serve the people!
    “Who?”
    “The people! The people! The ones who elected you!” Jonah was getting a little hoarse.
    “You mean the marks? Nah, they can’t afford our lifestyle. But you raise a good point. That election stuff is an inconvenience.”
    Jonah decided to try a different tack.
    “You support those who rape the planet. This is your planet, too. You, too, will suffer the consequences.”
    “Nah. We dump all the nastiest stuff on really poor and powerless people. What can they do to us?”
    “You don’t understand! You live on this planet. You drink the water. You breathe the air. You are affected. If you don’t care about yourselves, think of your children!”
    “We live in the good neighborhoods. Besides, you can’t prove that the Lords are responsible. It could just be random changes in the weather. Anyway, the money is really good.”
    “Repent! Repent! You’re greedy!”
    “Yee-ha!” howled the legislators. “Let’s hear it for greed!”
    “You’re corrupt!”
    “Three cheers for corruption! Hip! Hip! Hooray!”
    “You’re unethical!”
    “Huzzah! Huzzah!”
    “You’re immoral!”
    “Hooray for immorality!”
    “Worst of all, you’re idiots! You don’t even know when you’re slitting you’re own throats!”
    “Whoopee!” cheered the legislators. “You’re ok, guy. You can sure run a pep rally! Come back any time!”

    “Hey, Jonah! Where’re you heading?”
    “Oh, hi, old man. Down to the seashore. How’d your visit with your son go?”
    The old woodcutter sighed. “Not so well, I’m afraid. May I join you?”
    “Sure. Are you ok with the fairy?”
    “No. I’ll never give up on my boy.”
    “You know, you have too much faith in that kid. He doesn’t deserve it. That’s what gets you into trouble.”
    “Maybe. So, how are you with God?”
    “Not so well, I’m afraid. I gave up. They’re impossible.”
    “You don’t have enough faith,” said the old woodcutter. “That’s what gets you into trouble.”
    “Maybe. Well, here we are, and there’s the whale. After you...”