In the Foot

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is G. Ford Kriepers with KFRU Eye on News. 'K fer you, huh? I am on the scene with a gentleman who has just shot himself in the foot.

"Sir, why have you shot yourself in the foot?"

"IT WASN'T ME! IT WAS THE GUN!"

"It was the gun? But a gun is an inanimate object, sir. It requires a person to hold it, aim it, and pull the trigger. And you are holding the gun and ... still aiming it at your foot, sir."

"IT'S THE DAMN MAINSTREAM GUN MANUFACTURERS! THEY FIXED THE GUN SO IT WOULD SHOOT ME IN THE FOOT! THEY'RE OUT TO GET ME!"

"And, um, you just emptied an entire clip into your left foot, sir. You know, they say, if you've dug yourself into a ditch, the first thing you should do is stop digging. Or stop firing, in this case."

"IT'S THE DAMN MSGM AGAIN!"

"And you are, uh, reloading. Don't you think that's a bad idea, sir? Oh, dear! There goes his right foot. Oh, good. He's put down the pistol. But ... is that an AR-16 assault rifle you have there? Good heavens! He's spraying his extremities with automatic weapons fire!"

"IT'S THE DAMN WEAPONS MANUFACTURERS WHO ARE DOING THIS TO ME! IT'S A CONSPIRACY! THE FIX IS IN!"

"Goodness gracious! He has nothing left below the knees!"

"YOU SEE THAT BITCH OVER THERE?"

"The woman who is minding her own business, you mean?"

"THAT'S CRAZY HILLARY! SHE'S A DANGEROUS LUNATIC! SHE SHOULD BE COMMITTED! WHEN I'M IN CHARGE OF THE LOONY BIN, I'M GONNA LOCK 'ER UP!"

"Is that a claymore mine you have there, sir? Do you know that you have it directed at yourself?"

"IT'S NOT ME! IT'S A HUGE CONSPIRACY! HANG ON A MINUTE WHILE THEY MAKE ME ARM THIS NUKE HERE!"

This is G. Ford Kriepers, saying, "Get me out of he-e-e-e-re!!!"