The crocodiles decided to depose the Lion from his
position as King of Beasts.
"Why do we want to do that?" asked one young crocodile.
"So a crocodile can be King of Beasts, you twit!"
snorted one of the elder crocodiles. "Besides, we don't like him."
"Why not?"
"Because he's a lion, of course. First, we
need a Special Prosecutor."
"Oh, so we need a good reason to depose
him?"
"Of course not! But we have to have an excuse
in case somebody asks. It will help if we can persuade some of the
other animals that it's a good thing. Don't worry. I've found
the perfect Special Prosecutor. He's a hyena. Hyenas hate lions
more than we do."
The Hyena watched the hunting dog for days.
She would extend a friendly lick to a packmate and then bite her in the
hindquarters when she wasn't looking. The other dogs were about ready
to run her off. The Hyena knew he had found his operative.
"Hey, Baby," he laughed. "C'mere! I've
got a great deal to offer you."
"Nobody trusts a hyena," sneered the Female Dog.
"And quite rightly, too," said the Hyena cheerfully.
"But that looks like a pretty unfriendly pack over there. Why not
hear me out?"
The Female Dog knew she had nothing to lose.
"We're going to get the Lion," continued the Hyena.
"What do you think of that?"
"I hate the Lion," said the Female Dog. "Him
and his fancy lionesses. Think they're better than the rest of us.
But why do you want him? And who are you working for?"
"He's a lion," said the Hyena. "Is there any
other reason? The crocodiles hired me. There could be lots
of game in it for you, too. Not to mention the satisfaction."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the Female
Dog. "You and I together aren't big enough to take him out."
"But we're smart enough," oozed the
Hyena. "I need to catch him at something embarrassing and trap him
into making a fool of himself over it. Then the crocodiles can depose
him. I thought I had caught him fishing in the rapids downstream.
Very unleonine. But I couldn't prove anything. We know that
he likes to kill little animals so he can pretend he's a mighty hunter.
Feels emasculated by the lionesses. But he is embarrassed
about it and would never want anyone to know. As if it weren't common
knowledge from Cairo to the Cape."
"How do I ... Wait a minute!" protested the Female
Dog. "I'm a small animal. I hope you don't expect me
to ..."
"Relax," cooed the Hyena. "You're going to
be my spy and witness. Just stick close until you catch him in flagrante
delicto. We'll be sure to use those words. They sound so
legal.
Then I will question him in public about it. He's bound to deny everything.
At the crucial moment, you step forward and finger him. How
does it sound?"
The Female Dog was in her element.
And it came to pass one day that the Lion surprised
a luckless armadillo. On his way home, he was confronted by a hyena
and a gaggle of crocodiles.
"Halt!" chortled the Hyena. "Have you killed
any small animals lately?"
"What are you?" sneered the Lion. "A lawyer?"
"All hyenas are lawyers," answered the Hyena smoothly.
"Or is it the other way around?"
"In any case," intoned a crocodile, "the animals
have a right to know. Have you been hunting small game?"
"Of course not," fumbled the Lion. "Um, exactly
what do you mean by 'small?'"
"Ah, ha!" It was the Female Dog. "I
saw you kill that armadillo!"
"Depose him!" howled the Hyena and the crocodiles
in unison.
"Wait a minute," objected the Lion. "What's
the problem, anyway? Even assuming I killed this alleged armadillo,
which I deny. We're all predators here."
"It's not about predation," said the crocodiles.
"It's about the lying."
"Well, I don't think we should depose for an armadillo,"
said one Old Croc.
"Go jump in the Nile," said the Lion.
"In that case, let's depose him," said the Old Croc.
"I don't like his attitude. In fact, hand me the gavel. I'll
preside."
"Hark! Zebra!" called the Lion. "Dinner time!"
And off went the lionesses to savage the herd of zebra.
"What a villain you are!" said the shocked crocodiles.
"Attacking those zebra that way."
"Don't you eat zebra?" asked the Lion.
"Of course," said the crocodiles. "But you're supposed
to wait till they come to the river to drink. Then grab 'em!
You're doing it all wrong!"
"Well, can we at least agree on starving the colts?"
asked the Lion.
"Sure," said the crocs. "No problem."
So, after all, they have impeached the President of the United States for a peccadillo. And when he dispatched the cruise missiles to batter Iraq, they criticized his timing and motivation, but no one condemned the act of aggression. That, they supported. And what of the US-sponsored sanctions against Iraq? According to UN reports, 4500 Iraqi children die every month as a result of those sanctions. Not a peep from our morally outraged legislators at that, however. So, cooperation between Republicans and Democrats is possible. With the right victims.