THE HYDRA PROJECT
copyright © 1999 by Robert L. Blau

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:       June 1, 91
To:         Heracles Monster Slayer III
From:     Mr. Fudd Chief, Enforcements Team I
Subject: Labor Slippage

A review of the recent Gantt charts you submitted reveals significant slippage in the dates for all of your assigned labors. In fact, you have not slain a monster in six months. I am particularly distressed by your lack of progress on the Hydra Labor. According to your timeline, you were supposed to dispatch the beast by 25 May. This labor is a high priority with the new Chairman.

Perhaps the problem is that you attempt to perform too many labors at the same time. Submit a list of your labors in priority order by COB today. If your productivity continues to decline, it will be reflected on your next performance evaluation.

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      June 1, 91
To:         Mr. Fudd Chief, Enforcements Team I
From:     Heracles Monster Slayer III
Subject: Labor Slippage - Reply

In my recent encounter with the Hydra, I made a disconcerting discovery. Every time I cut off one of the foul beast's heads, he grew two more in its place. I stopped at three, so now the sucker has 12 heads instead of 9. I am certain, however, that I have solved the problem. All I need to do to prevent the regrowth of heads is apply fire to the point at which the neck is severed. To this end, I wish to requisition a torch.

If I may address the slippage problem more generally, I respectfully submit that 12 labors are too many to perform at one time. I don't want to sound like a whiner, but since we lost two more Monster Slayers in the last reorganization, we have not had the manpower to address the monster problem adequately. It seems to me that we would have been better off keeping the Monster Slayers and forgoing the three new managers.

Furthermore, these are not trivial labors. Any one of them could take a year or more. For just one example, how am I supposed to do a time estimate on Retrieving the Golden Apples of the Hesperides when no one even knows where they are? I also question whether some of these labors ought to be done. Retrieving the Hound of Hell, for one. I thought we were supposed to be slaying monsters, not finding new ones.

In any case, I suggest the following prioritization of my labors so that I can at least make progress on some of them. The Hydra Labor needs to be put off until I get my torch.

1. Slay the Nemean Lion
2. Slay the Hydra
3. Capture the Stag with Horns of Gold
4. Capture the Great Boar
5. Clean the Augean Stables
6. Drive Away the Stymphalian Birds
7. Capture the Savage Bull of Crete
8. Drive off the Thracian Man-Eating Mares
9. Bring Back the Girdle of the Queen of the Amazons
10. Bring Back the Cattle of Geryon
11. Bring Back the Golden Apples of the Hesperides
12. Retrieve Cerberus, the Hound of Hell

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      July 10, 91
To:         Heracles Monster Slayer III
From:     Mr. Fudd Chief, Enforcements Team I
Subject: Labor Slippage - Reply - Reply

Your request for a torch must be made in triplicate to Purchasing. You will need to obtain three bids, at least one from a Historically Underutilized Business (HUB). To refresh your memory, a HUB is a business owned by women or Spartans.

On the subject of the reorganization, it was necessary to reduce costs and increase efficiency. The way to do this is through effective management. To be more effective, we need more high-level managers and fewer workers. I am not surprised that you do not understand this. Take, for example, your own hopelessly muddled assortment of labors. How would you ever get any of them accomplished without me to give you direction and to tell you that you have to do more with less?

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      July 11, 91
To:         Heracles Monster Slayer III
From:     Mr. Fudd Chief, Enforcements Team I
Subject: Hot Labors

The Chairman's top priority remains the Hydra Labor. He has also expressed concern over the cleaning of the Augean Stables. Get on that right away.

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      July 12, 91
To:         Heracles Monster Slayer III
From:     Mr. Fudd Chief, Enforcements Team I
Subject: Stymphalian Birds

We have received numerous complaints from the citizens of Stymphalus about their plague of birds. The Executive Director has directed me to give this labor our highest priority. Get on it immediately. It needs to be done by COB 19 July.

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      October 21, 93
To:         Mr. Fudd Chief, Enforcements Team I
From:     Heracles Monster Slayer III
Subject: Torch

What happened to my torch requisition?

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      November 1, 93
To:         Trip Reduction Program Coordinator
From:     Heracles Enforcements Team I
Subject: Obstacles for Cyclists

I need some clarification on the purpose of the Trip Reduction Program. It was my understanding that the program was intended to improve the quality of the air in Athens by reducing the number of trips in gasoline-powered chariots by GMRCC employees. It was also my understanding that this included the encouragement of alternative means of commuting to work, such as bicycling and walking.

As bicycling seemed to me a good method of exercising the body and clearing the mind, I embarked on a program of bicycle commuting. I don't mind fighting my way through the armed guards. It helps me shake off the last traces of drowsiness and saves me from consuming at least two cups of coffee. (My body can't take caffeine like it used to.) Swimming the moat, I can handle. The crocodiles are only a minor nuisance. But the Slime Monster is getting really annoying. I had to break his jaw the other day, but he heals so fast, and my toga is always covered with slime by the time I reach my desk.

How do these obstacles promote the program? Or have I misunderstood its purpose?

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      November 11, 93
To:         Heracles Enforcements Team I
From:     Trip Reduction Program (TRP) Coordinator
Subject: Obstacles for Cyclists - Reply

I am surprised that you have not seen the obvious benefits of our approach to trip reduction. Those employees who are devoured by the Slime Monster, or otherwise permanently delayed, have had their trips reduced by several hundred as compared to an unnecessarily extended lifetime.

Another benefit of TRP is that it combats layoffs. Our most recent annual staff reduction was accomplished entirely by attrition. This would not have been possible without TRP. Remember, attrition doesn't just happen. It has to be nurtured and encouraged.

A third benefit of TRP is that it doesn't annoy anyone powerful. The legislature doesn't mind if we offend the bicycle industry; they can't even afford a cheap legislator. Oil, on the other hand, is right out.

If you have any further questions, please don't hesitate to keep them to yourself. Happy cycling!

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      December 1, 93
To:         GMRCC
From:     The Chairman
Subject: Customer Service

We have accomplished much in my three years as Chairman. We have greatly reduced the number of ravening monsters and increased the security and well-being of the people. However, none of this is worth squat because we have poor telephone manners.

We have received several complaints of poor customer service from the public. Henceforth, each of you will maintain a positive customer-service attitude. This will include answering the telephone by the third ring, always speaking cheerfully, and never saying "no" to anything. Effective immediately, we are hiring 700 telephone police to enforce this policy. When the phone rings, you will never know who it really is.

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      December 2, 93
To:         GMRCC
From:     The Executive Director
Subject: Resignation

I am tendering my resignation, effective immediately, for personal reasons. I am distraught over our poor telephone manners, but the main reason I am leaving is that I want to spend more time with my family. I also believe it will be better for my health, although I deny that I was given the choice of resigning or being fed to the Slime Monster.

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      December 2, 93
To:         Mr. Fudd Chief, Enforcements Team I
From:     Heracles Monster Slayer III
Subject: Customer Service

I need some clarification on the Chairman's e-mail note of 1 December. I believe that the best evidence of customer service is how we carry out our duties. Granted that staff and funding cuts have made this next to impossible, we have nonetheless made great strides, as the Chairman said.

Who has complained? What, specifically, did they complain about? And what is the definition of "customer?" And, by the way, where's my torch?

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      December 5, 93
To:         Enforcements Team I
From:     Mr. Fudd Chief, Enforcements Team
Subject: Customer Service

The Chairman's directive on Customer Service arose from his recent interview with Senator Minotaur. The Chairman went into the interview expecting praise for the GMRCC's achievements during his tenure. I'm afraid he emerged from the meeting rather badly gored. Let this be a lesson to us all.

Several of you have asked the definition of "customer." A customer is anyone we do business with. This includes fellow GMRCC employees, city-state employees of other agencies, the public, and the regulated community.

Confidentiality requirements prohibit the disclosure of the details of the complaints concerning agency staff, but I can tell you that several of the complaints came from a "Mr. H.," who reportedly complained once with each head, for a total of 12 complaints.

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      December 5, 93
To:         Mr. Fudd Chief, Enforcements Team I
From:     Heracles Monster Slayer III
Subject: Customer Service - Reply

The "regulated community?" You mean the monsters! How can they be our customers when our mission is to slay them? And this "Mr. H." can be none other than the foul Hydra! Surely, our management trusts its employees, who have given years of faithful service to the GMRCC and the great city-state of Athens, more than the beasts who seek to destroy it! And, by the way, where is my torch?

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      December 8, 93
To:         Heracles Monster Slayer III
From:     Mr. Fudd Chief, Enforcements Team I
Subject: Customer Service - Reply - Reply

Herkie, how unprofessional! You must stop referring to our customers as "monsters" and "beasts." Remember, the "R" in GMRCC is for "Regulation," not "Slaying."

I think you ought to know that three of "Mr. H.'s" complaints went beyond telephone etiquette. He accused you of severing some of his heads. If I hadn't intervened on your behalf, you could have been in big trouble. I told them you had been a loyal GMRCC employee for a long time and were sometimes prone to be overzealous. But I had to promise that it wouldn't happen again.

Where did you get the silly idea that management trusts its employees above the regulated community?

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      February 17, 94
To:         GMRCC
From:     The Chairman
Subject: New Executive Director

It is with great pleasure that I announce the appointment of Mr. Pericles as the new Executive Director of the GMRCC. Mr. Pericles has vast experience in management and will be an invaluable asset to the agency. He previously worked for Senator Minotaur in Crete, where he managed the virgin sacrifices. Prior to that, he was employed as a Contract Engineer by a respected Sicilian family organization. We trust that the skills he brings from his prior employment will be directly relevant to his duties at the GMRCC.

As dictated by law, Mr. Pericles was chosen by myself and the other two Commissioners. Absolutely no political pressure was brought to bear from any quarter.

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      March 1, 94
To:         GMRCC
From:     Mr.Pericles, Executive Director
Subject: Agency Mission and Operating Policy

There has been some confusion recently as to the mission of this agency. The mission of the GMRCC is to protect and preserve the public health and well-being, consistent with large profits for the wealthy and not spending money on anything useful. Failure to promote this mission may be subject to disciplinary action, up to and including termination.

I intend to make this agency into a model of customer service. It has come to my attention that agency personnel have been rude, inconsiderate, and hostile to our customers. Several members of the regulated community have been threatened with loss of life and limb by agency staff. This will no longer be tolerated. Our customers must be treated with politeness and respect, even if they have just consumed an entire village. Failure to comply with this policy may be subject to disciplinary action, up to and including termination.

Henceforth, the GMRCC will enforce nothing that is not explicitly mandated by the regulations of the Federation of City-States. If there are any questions on interpretation of a regulation, the Delphic Oracle must be consulted. This means a trip to Delphi; e-mail will not be sufficient. Final interpretation of the Oracle's reply rests with me in consultation with the Extraordinary Creatures Council (ECC). If I don't like the answer, I reserve the right to nullify the offending regulation. Failure to abide by this policy may be subject to disciplinary action, up to and including termination.

Effective immediately, no employee may work overtime without the explicit advance approval of his or her supervisor. Failure to obtain advance approval may be subject to disciplinary action, up to and including termination. If you do work unapproved overtime, you are required to report this to your supervisor immediately. Failure to do so may be subject to disciplinary action, up to and including termination.

A new performance evaluation system will be implemented shortly. Under this new system, employees will be held strictly accountable for their work. Failure to complete assigned tasks in a timely manner may be subject to disciplinary action, up to and including termination.

I will be reorganizing the agency soon. Expect more staff cuts. But fear not! I am sure we will be able to accomplish them through attrition. Have a nice day.

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      March 2, 94
To:         Mr. Fudd Chief, Enforcements Team I
From:     Heracles Monster Slayer III
Subject: Agency Mission and Operating Policy

I am a bit perturbed by the new ED's recent e-mail. Here is my understanding of it: The GMRCC will not slay any more monsters. GMRCC policy will be reviewed by the monsters' own policy organization, the ECC. If we have any dealings with monsters, we must treat them as honored guests. We must complete our assignments on time, but we will have less staff to accomplish this, and we will not be able to work overtime to make up for being short of staff. Anyone who doesn't like any of this will be fired. Is that about it? Or am I missing something? By the way, where is the Chairman in all of this? Doesn't he have anything to say about it? If these policies are enforced, there will be a public outcry.

And where is my torch?

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      March 4, 94
To:         Heracles Customer Satisfaction Representative II
From:     Mr. Fudd Chief, Customer Satisfaction Team I
Subject: Agency Mission and Operating Policy - Reply

Herkie, you have such a primitive way of expressing yourself. First of all, you must break yourself of the habit of referring to our customers as "monsters." Notice that you have been reclassified as a Customer Satisfaction Representative (CSR) to better reflect the agency's new emphasis on customer service and demoted to better reflect the agency's new emphasis on repression.

The ED is not telling us to quit enforcing agency regulations. He is simply attempting to establish a uniform interpretation of federal, city-state, and agency regulations. The public, particularly the regulated community, has complained that they can't get the same answer to the same question from any two GMRCC employees.

Mr. Pericles proposes to bring the ECC into our deliberations in order to be fair to the regulated community. They will merely be consulted in a spirit of fair play. They will not have any veto power.

Contrary to rumor, the Chairman has not disappeared. He is simply devoting himself to the high-level duties appropriate to a chairman. It is the duty of the ED to run the agency.

There is no need to worry about a public outcry. Only those whose homes, families, and lives are immediately threatened are likely to complain, and they won't be able to complain long enough for anyone important to notice. Everyone else will be complaining about paying taxes to cover the clean-up costs.

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      March 18, 94
To:         GMRCC
From:     Mr. Pericles, Executive Director
Subject: Money for Merits and Promotions

I am pleased to announce that I have set aside funds exclusively for merit raises and promotions. I guarantee that these funds will not be used for any other purpose. This measure, which has never before been undertaken in the history of the GMRCC, underscores my personal commitment to rewarding the hard-working employees of this agency.

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      March 19, 94
To:         GMRCC
From:     Mr. Pericles, Executive Director
Subject: Too Many "Exceeds"

I have noticed that managers have been passing out way too many "exceeds requirements" ratings on employee performance appraisals. As you know, an employee must receive at least two "exceeds" to be eligible for a promotion or merit raise. If this profligacy does not cease at once, we may actually have to give someone a raise. I will be monitoring performance appraisals carefully to ensure that this does not occur. Failure to comply may be subject to disciplinary action, up to and including termination.

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      April 1, 94
To:         Mr. Fudd Chief, Customer Satisfaction Team I
From:     Heracles Customer Satisfaction Representative II
Subject: Navigating the Workplace

It has now been two years since management tore down our offices and replaced them with cubicles. I have heard many of my co-workers complain about the noise and lack of privacy, but, thinking to give the new scheme a chance, I have held my peace until now. I have now gotten lost three times while trying to find my cubicle. The most recent incident lasted over a week. In my wanderings, I encountered numerous lost souls, who from their disheveled appearance and deteriorating personal hygiene, must have been wandering longer than I. The cumulative loss in productivity must be enormous. My friend Theseus has showed me how to keep my bearings by tying one end of a ball of thread to one of my cube partitions, but the prospect of hundreds of criss-crossing threads as others catch on to this makes my knees weak. Can anyone explain to me the reason for this insanity?

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      April 3, 94
To:         Heracles Customer Satisfaction Representative II
From:     Mr.Fudd Chief, Customer Satisfaction Team I
Subject: Navigating the Workplace - Reply

You have tapped the correct resource for an answer. Of course I can clarify this matter for you. That is why they pay me the big drachmas. System furniture has proven to be the most productive, cost-effective business solution possible. Only the hopelessly incompetent could fail to thrive in this ideal environment. And the deadwood that can't cope simply add to our outstanding attrition rate.

Besides, Senator Minotaur made us do it. It reminds him of his home in Crete.

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      April 27, 94
To:         Heracles Customer Satisfaction Representative II
From:     Mr. Spudd Chief, Customer Support Team III
Subject: Labor Slippage

A review of the Gantt charts you recently submitted indicates significant slippage on all of your labors. Prioritize your labors and submit by COB today. Failure to complete your assigned duties in a timely manner may be subject to disciplinary action, up to and including termination.

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      April 28, 94
To:         Heracles Customer Satisfaction Representative II
From:     Mr. Spudd Chief, Customer Support Team III
Subject: Priority of Labors

You need to make Bringing Back the Hound of Hell your top priority. The ED is looking for a good deputy, and Cerberus is his leading candidate.

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      April 29, 94
To:         Heracles Customer Satisfaction Representative II
From:     Mr. Spudd Chief, Customer Support Team III
Subject: Priority of Labors

You need to make Cleaning the Augean Stables your top priority. But don't downgrade Bringing Back the Hound of Hell.

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      April 30, 94
To:         Mr. Spudd Chief, Customer Support Team III
From:     Heracles Customer Satisfaction Representative II
Subject: Priority of Labors - Reply

Excuse me, but is it necessary to reorganize every month? It is virtually impossible to get anything accomplished while all the shifting of cubes and responsibilities is going on. And the uncertainty saps morale. Also, every time I get a new supervisor, we go through the same dance about how all my work is behind schedule and that I need to prioritize it. Since you are my new supervisor, maybe you could track down the torch I requisitioned some years ago.

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      May 14, 94
To:         Heracles Customer Satisfaction Representative II
From:     Mr. Mudd Chief, Customer Appreciation Team II
Subject: Labor Slippage

A review of the Gantt charts you recently submitted indicates significant slippages on all of your labors. Submit a prioritized list of labors to me by COB today. Failure to meet your commitments is a serious matter which may be subject to disciplinary action, up to and including termination.

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      May 15, 94
To:         Heracles Customer Satisfaction Representative II
From:     Mr. Fudd Chief, Customer Satisfaction Team I
Subject: Labor Slippage

Since we know each other so well, we'll skip the formalities. Just give me the list by COB today.

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      May 16, 94
To:         Customer Satisfaction Team I
From:     Mr. Fudd
Subject: Reorganization

First, let me say how gratifying it is to be your new Team Leader again and what a pleasure it is to see all the new managers that have come to us in the latest reorg. Effective immediately, the GMRCC is implementing a new plan that will streamline future reorganizations, promote attrition, and facilitate the physical moves associated with reorgs.

Here is how the plan works:

Whenever you hear music, stop what you are doing immediately, stand up, and start walking around the work area. Trained teams will dismantle designated cubes. When the music stops, occupy the nearest available cube. You will inherit the equipment, responsibilities, and organizational affiliations of that cube. Those who are not fortunate enough to find an unoccupied cube will join the ranks of the attritioned.

I am sure you will find this an exciting program that will take away the dread and uncertainty of reorgs and staff reductions.

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      June 1, 94
To:         Heracles Customer Satisfaction Representative II
From:     Mr. Fudd Chief, Customer Satisfaction Team I
Subject: Augean Stables Labor

I have decided to contract out the Augean Stables Clean-up. This will free you up to work on other priorities such as the Hydra Labor and the Bringing Back the Hound of Hell Labor. We have found an excellent consulting firm, Coliseum Consultants, to take the contract. They will, of course, require a small amount of your time to familiarize them with the labor.

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      June 2, 94
To:         Mr. Fudd Chief, Customer Satisfaction Team I
From:     Heracles Customer Satisfaction Representative II
Subject: Augean Stables Labor - Reply

This is good news indeed, but I have a few questions on the matter. First of all, where did you find the money to contract this labor out? We just had another musical staff reduction, and there have been no pay raises for six years. We are told that this is due to "fiscal constraints." How can we afford consultants?

Second, isn't Coliseum Consultants located in Rome? How are they going to perform a labor in Greece?

Third, since you mention the Hydra labor, and since the Hydra has consumed approximately one third of our agricultural capacity, including people and livestock, in the current fiscal year, could you find out what happened to my torch requisition?

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      June 10, 94
To:         Heracles Customer Satisfaction Representative II
From:     Mr. Fudd Chief, Customer Satisfaction Team I
Subject: Augean Stables Labor - Reply - Reply

The answer to your budget question is very simple. We're talking about different colors of money. Just as there is always money for tearing things down and rebuilding them, there is always money for consultants. There is no money for hiring, promotions, merit raises, and training. The reason is that city-state employees are leeches on the body of society, whereas consulting firms are productive entities with plenty of money to contribute to political campaigns.

Don't worry about the distance thing. That's what we have e-mail, faxes, and telephones for. These guys are true professionals. They'll have this labor wrapped up inside of six months.

*****

Date:      June 14, 94
To:         Heracles@GMRCC.gov
From:     Nero@coliseum.com
Subject: Aegean Stables Labor

Hi, I'm the Coliseum Consultants project manager for the Aegean Stables Labor. I'll be on vacation for the next two months, but I'll need a detailed plan on how to accomplish this labor by the time I return on 14 Aug.

Ciao!

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      June 14, 94
To:         Mr. Fudd Chief, Customer Satisfaction Team I
From:     Heracles Customer Satisfaction Representative II
Subject: Augean Stables Labor

I am attaching a copy of the e-mail I received from Coliseum Consultants. I have a bad feeling about this. This guy Nero doesn't even know how to spell "Augean." I suspect he has a mistaken impression of where the stables are located. And he's going on vacation! Where does his participation begin? If I have to do the plan, this isn't going to save me any time.

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      June 15, 94
To:         Heracles Customer Satisfaction Representative II
From:     Mr. Fudd Chief, Customer Satisfaction Team I
Subject: Augean Stables Labor - Reply

You'd better get cracking on that plan, Herkie. The contract requires us to make resources available to CC on demand. They get to designate the resources and the times they need them. If we don't comply, we will be in violation of the contract. This needs to be your top priority.

*****

Date:      August 14, 94
To:         Nero@coliseum.com
From:     Heracles@GMRCC.gov
Subject: Augean Stables Labor

Since it is rather large, I am sending my plan by fax. By the way, it's "Augean," not "Aegean."

*****

Date:      August 15, 94
To:         Heracles@GMRCC.gov
From:     Nero@coliseum.com
Subject: Aegean Stables Labor

Great work! I like the idea of diverting the river. Now you need to pull together the resources we'll need and coordinate support. I'll need a report on that by 15 Sep. I'll be out of the office practicing my fiddling for awhile, but I should be back by then.

*****

Date:      September 16, 94
To:         Heracles@GMRCC.gov
From:     Nero@coliseum.com
Subject: Aegean Stables Labor

We're right on target! All you have to do now is do it! You have until 15 Oct. I will be on vacation for 2 or 3 weeks. Let me know when you're done.

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      October 30, 94
To:         GMRCC
From:     Mr. Pericles, Executive Director
Subject: Kudos

I wish to announce the successful completion of a contract with Coliseum Consultants for the cleaning of the Augean Stables. The labor was completed on time and within budget. Kudos are in order for CC, and in particular for their project manager, Mr. Nero, for doing an outstanding professional job and for Mr. Fudd, Customer Satisfaction Team II Team Leader for negotiating the contract and coordinating with CC. This demonstrates once again how much better consultants are than city-state employees.

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      October 30, 94
To:         Mr. Fudd Chief, Customer Satisfaction Team I
From:     Heracles Customer Satisfaction Representative II
Subject: Augean Stables Labor

What's all the hoopla about Coliseum Consultants? They didn't do squat except collect a check. That guy Nero was on vacation the whole time. How come they (and you) get all the credit?

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      October 31, 94
To:         Heracles Customer Satisfaction Representative II
From:     Mr. Fudd Chief, Customer Satisfaction Team I
Subject: Augean Stable Labor - Reply

Herkie, don't be so sensitive. The truth is, you had been jacking around with that labor for five years. Without CC's leadership, and mine, you would never have finished it.

By the way, you're running way behind on your other labors.

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      November 10, 94
To:         GMRCC
From:     The Chairman
Subject: Election Results

Many of you have expressed concern over the results of the recent elections. What will the dramatic victory of the Obscenely Wealthy Party over the Merely Wealthy Party mean to the GMRCC and to our great city-state? Will the new OWP Governor Bubbades alter the course of this Commission?

Following are the expiration dates of the terms of the three Commissioners:

            The Chairman                     -     Aug 97
            Commissioner Penelope      -     Aug 99
            Commissioner Cassandra    -     Aug 95

This is to inform you that we will be here through thick and thin. The resolve of this Commission shall not falter. We shall stay the course.

*****

Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
Interoffice Memorandum

Date:      November 11, 94
To:         GMRCC
From:     Mr. Pericles, Executive Director
Subject: Resignation of Commissioners

The resignations of all three commissioners were accepted just prior to their lunch engagement with the Slime Monster.

If you have any questions, you may be subject to disciplinary action, up to and including termination.

*****

                                            Greek Monster Regulation and Control Commission
                                                            Interoffice Memorandum
                    "Anything You Do May Be Subject to Disciplinary Action, Up To and Including Termination"

Date:      December 22, 94
To:         GMRCC
From:     Mr. Pericles, Executive Director
Subject: New Division Director

I am pleased to announce the appointment of Mr. Blunttool as Director of the Customer Satisfaction Division. Mr. Blunttool has extensive management experience in the Customer Satisfaction area. He was one of my trusted deputies in Crete, where he assured that virgins provided for sacrifice were fully satisfied. He also satisfied the providers of the virgins if they had any complaints. No one that Mr. Blunttool satisfied ever complained again. I am sure he can bring the same level of customer satisfaction to this agency.

It has been my pleasure, in cooperation with Senator Minotaur, to bring many Cretans into city-state government.

Please note that I have changed the Interoffice Memorandum form to include the new agency motto. Everyone will be required to use the new form, effective immediately. Failure to do so may result in disciplinary action, up to and including termination.

*****

Date:      January 2, 95
To:         GMRCC
From:     Mr. Blunttool Director, Customer Satisfaction Division
Subject: Dress Code

From now on, everybody dress nice or else.
*****

Date:      January 3, 95
To:         Mr. Blunttool Director, Customer Satisfaction Division
From:     Heracles Customer Satisfaction Team I
Subject: Dress Code - Reply

First, let me say that I do not believe that a dress code is a good idea. I don't believe that what you wear makes you a better or worse employee. I hope you will reconsider this policy.

In the meantime, we need some guidance. Would you please elaborate on what is meant by "dressing nicely?" What kinds of clothes are permissible? Are the rules different for men and women? Are there forbidden styles, colors, patterns?

Thank you.
*****

Date: January 4, 95
To: Heracles Customer Satisfaction Team I
From: Mr. Blunttool Director, Customer Satisfaction Division
Subject: Dress Code - Reply - Reply

Nobody asked your opinion.

If you can ask the question, you already know the answer.

*****

Date:      January 4, 95
To:         Mr. Fudd Chief, Customer Satisfaction Team I
From:     Heracles Customer Satisfaction Representative II
Subject: Dress Code

I am forwarding my response to Mr. Blunttool's dress code memo and his response to me. Who is this guy? I can't even understand what he's talking about. Do you have any more information on the dress code? Can you translate that "you-already-know-the-answer" thing?

*****

Date:      January 8, 95
To:         Heracles Customer Satisfaction Representative II
From:     Mr. Fudd Chief, Customer Satisfaction Team I
Subject: Dress Code - Reply

Of course I can elucidate the dress code for you. It is another powerful attrition tool. If you want to know what you should wear, I haven't got a clue. I guess you can't go wrong with a nice dress toga. And try to avoid wrestling with the Slime Monster.

Please don't ask me to translate the "you-already-know-the-answer" thing. Have you considered consulting the Oracle at Delphi? She speaks in riddles, too, but they're bound to be more comprehensible.

*****

Date:       June 24, 95
To:         GMRCC
From:     Mr. Pericles, Executive Director
Subject: Outsourcing of Trip Reduction Program

I am pleased to announce the outsourcing of the Trip Reduction Program to the Athens Tire Shredding Company. Over the next few months, they will install those "Severe Tire Damage" devices on all of the bicycle access routes. Gasoline-powered chariots will not be affected.

This contract will result in significant savings to the agency, as we will be able to attrition the entire Trip Reduction Staff, the soldiers that patrol the bike routes, and all of the crocodiles in the moat. The Slime Monster will be reassigned to other attritioning duties. Effective immediately, he will report directly to me.

*****

Date:      June 25, 95
To:         Mr. Fudd Chief, Customer Satisfaction Team I
From:     Heracles Customer Satisfaction Representative II
Subject: Policies and Priorities

I am typing this on a manual typewriter. Do you know why? Because my e-mail doesn't work. I called the Help Desk, but no one answered. Ok, no one ever answers. So I walked over to the Data Processing area. Guess what? The whole floor is vacant. The only person I could find was a janitor. He told me the last computer person left two months ago. Does anyone know that this is going on?

Is it just me, or are we drifting farther and farther away from the avowed purpose of this agency? When the ED informed us of the outsourcing of yet another program, the first thing I thought of was, "What? An Athenian company? Couldn't he find someone in Britain?"

We are told that we cannot succeed, that the private sector can do our jobs better than we can. We are given too much work with too few resources for too few people. Then our budget and staff are cut again. We are given no raises. Many of the most talented and most experienced people leave for the private sector. The only support we get from management and legislators is, "You have to do more with less," as if this were a magic formula whose repetition will bring forth miracles. This is a cycle of self-fulfilling prophecy. I am amazed at the extent to which we are still able to carry on.

I, for one, would like to get away from dress codes and reorgs and staff cuts and get back to slaying monsters, which is what most of us came here to do. And while I'm on the subject, where is my torch!?

*****

Date:      July 2, 95
To:         Heracles Customer Satisfaction Representative I
From:     Mr. Fudd Chief, Customer Satisfaction Team I
Subject: Policies and Priorities - Reply

You have supplied me with some excellent information. Since that floor has cleared out, we can attrition that janitor.

Don't sweat the computer stuff. We can always bring some of those people back as consultants at double their old salaries. They were worthless city-state employees before, but as consultants, they will be worth whatever we need to squeeze out of the taxpayers.

I regret the necessity of demoting you to CSR I, but your insistence on calling our customers "monsters" indicates a poor customer-service attitude. I don't want to have to mention this again.

*****

Date:       July 14, 95
To:         GMRCC
From:     Mr. Pericles, Executive Director
Subject: New Chairman to Be Announced Soon

Governor Bubbades will soon announce the appointment of a new Chairman for the GMRCC. Based on his appointments to date, I expect that he will make an excellent choice. A case in point is his appointment of Mr. Fox to head up the Poultry Agency.

Preparatory to the announcement of the new Chairman, I wish to make the following announcements. The "M" word is definitely out. Those previously referred to using the "M" word are to be referred to henceforward as "Preferred Customers." In keeping with this, we have prepared legislation to change the name of the Agency for the next meeting of the legislature. The new name of the GMRCC will be the "Greek Preferred Customer Partnering and Appreciation Commission," which will be abbreviated "GPCPAC."

If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to refer to the Agency motto at top of this form.

*****

Date:      August 15, 95
To:         GMRCC
From:     Mr. Pericles, Executive Director
Subject: Good News

Effective 1 September, the new Voluntary Disclosures law goes into effect. Any customer who devours persons or property will be forgiven, regardless of the magnitude of the depredation, provided that he or she says "Pardon me" after burping. This is a giant forward step for us in partnering with and appreciating our Preferred Customers.

Here's another piece of great news. While the legislature required us to cut only 20 positions, we have cut 100! Let's give ourselves a pat on the back!

*****

Date:      September 1, 95
To:         Heracles Customer Satisfaction Representative I
From:     Mr. Fudd Chief, Customer Satisfaction Team I
Subject: Torch Requisition

Your requisiton for a torch has been denied due to budget constraints. The same budget constraints make it necessary to confiscate your sword, as well.

I'm afraid your attitude is in serious need of adjustment. To this end, Chairman Hydra would like to speak to you in his office.