Introduction

    These are stories for people who don't have an hour and a half to get scared out of their wits.  Our heroine will be Belinda, a lovely young woman with an immense bosom and a skirt that goes down to about her navel.  You should imagine her bosom heaving in times of crisis.  Some of these stories may also make you heave.  I'm sorry.  I don't make up these rules.  I just follow them.  I originally submitted these stories with a heroine who could sit up without assistance and wore clothes that covered her body, but the Standards Review Board would have none of it.  We all have to conform to standards.

"I know what you're doing ..."

    Our heroine Belinda is alone in a dark house.  It is Halloween.  As the clock tolls midnight, the telephone rings...
    "I know what you're doing," says the voice on the line. "Bwaha-ha-ha-ha!"
    "Oh, yeah?" says our heroine.  "Well, I've got your number on Caller ID.  The cops should be there in about 10 minutes.  Sayonara, Bozo."
    Then the telephone rings again.
    "Hello," says the voice on the line.  "This is Change Control.  There's a problem with your change ticket."
    "AIEEEEEEE!  AIEEEEEEE!  AIEEEEEEEEE!" screams our heroine.

    Officer Dan is examining the corpse in the morning.  "Looks like a heart attack," he says.
    "But that expression of abject terror.  Telephone receiver fused to her hand," says his partner.  "Ever seen anything like it before?"
    "Only once," shudders Officer Dan.  "Did you know that I used to be a computer programmer for a large computer manufacturer ...?"

The Walls that Dripped Blood

    Belinda is relaxing at home when she notices a thick red liquid oozing from her walls.  At the same moment a terrifying voice roars, "Get out!"
    "Well, I knew this place needed a good cleaning, but I've just been too lazy to do it!" she says to herself.  "A nice bucket of ammonia and soapy water ought to do the trick."
    And she begins to swab the bloody walls.
    "Ouch!  Ow!' screams the voice.  "Stop that!"
    As Belinda continues to clean the walls, the voice gets fainter and more strangled.  Finally, it stops altogether.
    When she finishes cleaning, Belinda goes out to get the mail.  There is a letter from the County Tax Collector.  It is her property tax bill.
    "AUUUGHHHHH!" shrieks Belinda.

    "What?  Her again?" says Officer Dan.  "Now what?"
    "Crushed by some gigantic weight, I'd say," says his partner.
    "But what?" asks Officer Dan.  "All I can see is that little scrap of paper..."

The Night of the Unliving Undead

    Late one creepy night, Belinda is awakened by a pawing and a moaning at her door.  When she answers, she finds a host of decaying zombies seeking entry.
    "What is this?" she asks. "More cosmic rays from outer space?  Or just can't sleep?"
    "Ooooo!" moan the zombies.
    "Well, let me introduce you to Bertie, my Rottweiler."  Belinda gives a whistle.  "Look, Bertie, look!  Nice bones!  With some meat on them!"
    When Bertie has cleaned away the mess and is lying peacefully in a corner, gnawing on a bone, Belinda prepares to return to bed.  Just then the telephone rings.
    "Hello?" says Belinda.
    "Belinda!" says the voice on the line.  "This is your boss, George!"
    "Um, hi, George.  Why are you calling at this hour?"
    "Remember those changes you worked on for six months?" asks George.
    "Of course," says Belinda. "And I finished way ahead of schedule."
    "And then, two months ago we discovered two more programs we missed the first time?"
    "Yes," says Belinda.  "Those are done, too.  And I still beat the deadline."
    "Then, a month ago, another program popped up?"
    "Yep.  Did that one, too," says Belinda.  "Talk about 'The Thing that Wouldn't Die.'  Heh, heh."
    "Well, I just discovered six more programs that have to be fixed.  Deadline tomorrow.  Bye!"

    "This one seems to die a lot," says Officer Dan.
    "Can't tell what the cause of death is this time," says his partner. "See how the eyes are popping out of her head?  How the veins in her temples have exploded?"
    "Hmm.  Yes, this is a toughie," muses Officer Dan.  "But have you ever seen anyone die from being extremely pissed off?"

The Toys that Weren't Fun

    One day, Belinda is reading her newspaper.
    Suddenly, the old Betsy-Wetsy doll stands up, picks up a butcher knife, and begins to advance.
    "You're still only a foot tall, Sawdust-for-brains," says our heroine, thoroughly stomping the homicidal toy.
    Then the doorbell rings.  It's UPS delivering a package.
    Belinda opens the package.  It's an Osama bin Laden action figure!
    "Screeeeeeech!" screeches Belinda.

    "Dead again?" asks Officer Dan, scratching his head.  "And all we can find is a little plastic kid's toy."
    "See how ... tight she is?" asks his partner.  "As if she were about to explode."
    Officer Dan shakes his head. "She should have taken an anger management class," he says.

The Attack of the Monsters

    Our heroine is, as usual, minding her own business when Frankenstein's monster lumbers in the
front door, arms outstretched in choking mode.
    "Gork," he says.
    "If you were more graceful than a 2-legged ox, you might be dangerous," says our heroine, as she deftly sidesteps and trips the monster.
    "Gork," he says as he crashes to the floor.
    No sooner has she dispatched the monster, than the Mummy stomps in.
    "Well, we'll soon sort this sucker out," she says, grabbing the end of its bandage.  With a deft jerk, she sends the Mummy spinning off like a top.
    However, the fun is not over!  The next visitor is the Wolfman.
    "Grr!" he says.
    "Okay," sighs Belinda, putting on a Bob Seger record.
    The Wolfman howls in fright and runs out the back door.
    "Silver Bullet Band does it every time," smirks Belinda.
    But she is in for another surprise.  It's Dracula!
    "Good evening," he says.
    "Look, take your bad Hungarian accent somewhere else," says Belinda, breathing into his face.
    "Aack!" squeaks Dracula, and vanishes.
    "Good job I like garlic so much," says Belinda.
    Just then there is a knock at the door.  It is a man in a business suit.
    "Hello," he says.  "I'm John Ashcroft.  I'm just going to install some surveillance equipment in here.  Won't take a minute."
    "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

    "What now?" says Officer Dan.
    "Seems to have had her insides sucked out," says his partner.  "And her hair has turned completely white.  And is sticking straight up in the air.  How do you suppose that would've happened."
    Officer Dan shakes his head.  "I don't know," he says.  "There are uncanny doings afoot."