"Grandpa, did you really know Heracles?"
    The old man smiled and settled further back into his overstuffed chair.  "Know him?" he said. "I went to kindergarten with him.  We used to wrestle every day, and he never beat me!  'Doggone it, Dimitri!' he used to say. 'One of these days, I'm gonna whup your butt!'  But he never did."
    "But Grandpa," protested the children. "Heracles was the strongest man who ever lived!"
    "That you hear about," said the old man. "That you hear about."
    "What about all those other heroes, Grandpa.  Did you know them, too."
    Dimitri sighed.  "Theseus, Perseus, Jason.  Yes, I knew them all.  In fact, they all owe their fame and accomplishments to me."
    "Oh, Grandpa!" protested the children. "Now you're teasing us!"
    "Oh, you think so?" chuckled the old man. "Well, I guess I'll just have to tell you the story, then."
    "Yes, yes!" cried the children encouragingly.  "Please tell us the story!"
    "It all started when that awful, bullheaded monster, the Minotaur, began demanding virgin sacrifices.  The Elders were looking for a hero to put the beast in its place.  Since I was the best athlete and warrior in the state, they naturally came to me.  'Hey, Dimitri,' they said. 'We need someone to slay this monster, and we don't know anyone else who can do it.'"
    "So, what did you do, Grandpa?" asked the children breathlessly.
    "At first, I said yes, but in the end, I had to turn them down," said Dimitri.
    "But why, Grandpa?  Why?"
    "Well, I had just married your grandmother.  In fact, we rushed the wedding a bit to beat the virgin sacrifice thing.  So, I came running home to tell Grandma about this heroic quest I was about to embark on.  'Honey, listen to this!' I said. 'The Elders want me to go and slay the Minotaur!  Isn't that great?' 'Not so great,' she said. 'How am I supposed to pay the mortgage while you go off gallivanting around slaying Minotaurs, huh?'  Well, I didn't have any answer for that, so I went back to the Elders and told them I couldn't do it.  But I told them my friend Theseus would be perfect for the job."
    "And what did they say to that, Grandpa?"
    "They tried to talk me out of my decision.  'Dimitri,' they said. 'Theseus is a wet-behind-the-ears kid.  He'll just get himself killed.  You wouldn't want that, would you?'  But I stuck to my guns.  Make that my javelins.  'Nope,' said I, 'Theseus is your boy.  He can do it.'  'Is he married?' they asked.  And you know, Theseus himself wasn't so sure he could pull it off at first.  He came to me and begged me to go instead.  'I can't do it,' he said. 'I don't know what to do.'  But I told him I had faith in him, and I gave him a ball of thread.  'What's this for?' he asked me.  I just winked.  'You'll see,' I told him."
    "Wow, Grandpa!  That's really hard to believe," said the children.
    "You think that's hard to believe?"  laughed the old man.  "Well, wait until I tell you about Perseus.  After Theseus's success with the Minotaur, you would have thought that everything could settle back to normal.  No such luck.  There was this other monster, Medusa, whose very glance turned people to stone.  She gave ugly a bad name.  Someone had to take her out.  Well, once again, the Elders came to me.  'Dimitri,' they said, 'we need someone to take care of some hero business, and you're the best one.  Whattaya say?'"
    "What did you say, Grandpa?"
    "I was eager to do battle with this evil creature, I can tell you that!  So, I went running home to tell Grandma the good news."
    "And what did she say?"
    "She said, 'In case you hadn't noticed, I'm 8 months pregnant.  You can't go running off to play hero when I'm about to give birth!'  Ok.  When she's right, she's right.  So, I told the Elders I couldn't do it, but I knew someone who could.  'Perseus?' they said. 'Who the heck is he?  And does he have a pregnant wife?'  'Trust me,' I said. 'I know a good hero when I see one.  Just one thing:  Give him this shield, and tell him to keep it well polished.'  'Why?' they asked.  'Trust me,' I said. 'Perseus will figure it out.'"
    "You mentioned Jason, Grandpa.  What about him?"
    "Oh, yes.  Jason," mused the old man. "Some years after the Medusa incident, the Elders came to me again.  'Dimitri,' they said, 'someone has to go get the Golden Fleece.  We don't know anyone else who can do it.'  'Great,' I said. 'I'm hungry for some adventure.'"
    "So, what happened this time, Grandpa?"
    "Once again, I eagerly ran home to tell Grandma.  By this time, we had four kids.  'Hey, Honey!  Guess what?  I'm going to find the Golden Fleece!' I said.  'Oh, great,' she said. 'So, who's going to pay for Cassandra's orthodontia?  And who's going to help little Pericles with his math?  And how am I supposed to pay for food and clothes while you're out hunting the Fleece?  What about the kids' soccer games and olympics training?  And don't think I'm going to take care of this house and all these kids by myself!'  She had a point or two, I thought.  I went back to the Elders and told them I couldn't do it.  'Ok,' they said. 'The last two times you had some good suggestions for substitute heroes.  Do you know anyone this time?'  Well, it just so happened that I did.  'Young Jason is just the guy for the job,' I said.  'And I also know just the ship he should take.'  'Well, ok,' they said.  'He doesn't have any kids, does he?'"
    "Are those the only improbable stories you have to tell, Grandpa?"
    "Oh, not by a longshot.  In fact, the best one involves my oldest friend, Heracles."
    "Does it have anything to do with the famous Twelve Labors?" asked the children.
    "As a matter of fact, it does.  One day, the Elders asked to see me, and they were in quite a state, I can tell you.  'Dimitri,' they implored, 'we know we haven't had much luck talking you into going on heroic quests in the past.  But this time, we're really up against it.  We've got really big problems, and none of the guys you've recommended in the past are up to the task.  Not even all of them together can do it.  This time, we've got 12 labors, and, frankly, we're not sure anyone, even you, can do them all.  But you're our only hope.'"
    "Did you go ask Grandma again?"
    "No, this time, I didn't even have to ask Grandma.  In addition to the mortgage, the taxes, and the food and clothing, I had college tuition and chariot insurance to pay.  By then, I knew I couldn't do it.  But, as always, I had a suggestion.  'Why not give Heracles a chance?' I said.  'Heracles?' they scoffed. 'Are you kidding?  That wimpy kid?  He's never won a single wrestling competition!'  'But you forget,' said I, 'that he always had to wrestle me!  Sure, he's second best, but I'm sure you'll find that second best to me is still far superior to anyone else!  Best of all, he has no family!*'"
    "And that's how Heracles got so famous?"
    "That is how Heracles got to be so famous," the old man concluded.
    "It's a shame you never got to be a hero," said the children.

*Sick reference to why, according to myth, Heracles/Hercules had to perform the labors in the first place.