Oh, the grand old Duke of York,
                                                                                            he had ten thousand men,
                                                                                 he marched them up to the top of the hill,
                                                                                      and he marched them down again.
                                                                                      When they were up, they were up;
                                                                               and when they were down, they were down;
                                                                                     and when they were only halfway up,
                                                                                         they were neither up nor down.
                                                                                                                                             -Traditional
 

Special to the Daily Dishrag - After receiving this provocative report from York, the Daily Dishrag's own Brian Beegle obtained the following exclusive interview with the Grand Old Boy himself ...

Brian Beegle:  Your Lordship, how long have you been marching your men up and down the hill?

Grand Old Duke of York:  Oh, years and years, Brian.  We're Number 1 in the marching up and down business now.  Did you know that?

BB:  Yes, sir, I did.  But we've been hearing reports of demotions and punitive reassignments of your officers.  Is there any truth to that?

GODOY:  Absolute codswallop, Brian.  None whatsoever.

BB:  Oh, good.  So, that stuff about lieutenants being busted to sergeant, that's not true?  None of your officers have been demoted or reassigned?

GODOY:  Correct.  Of course, we have made some moves to develop synergies and provide developmental opportunities.

BB:  Could you explain that, Your Lordship?  What's a "synergy?"

GODOY:  Good thing, Brian, good thing.  Got to have synergies.

BB:  Uh, let me try a different tack.  How do you develop synergies?

GODOY:  There are lots of ways, Brian.  Might be a reassignment.  Might be a reorganization.  Might have to bust some blighter to get his attention.

BB:  I see.  And what is a "developmental opportunity?"

GODOY:  It's your opportunity to develop a chance not to be unemployed.

BB:  Ah.  So, how about those 10,000 men you have?

GODOY:  Had, Brian, had.  The poem says, "The Grand Old Duke of York / He had ten thousand men."

BB:  Oh, pardon me, Your Lordship.  So, how many men do you have?

GODOY:  Nine thousand, Brian.  I just fired a thousand.

BB:  Oh?  Why did you do that?

GODOY:  They were the last ones up the hill.  Bunch of losers.

BB:  But, um, why one thousand?  Isn't that a lot?

GODOY:  No, it's not a lot!  It's 10 per cent.  I go by the bell curve.  Bottom 10% are out!

BB:  Then, 9,000 men are enough for you?

GODOY:  Heck, no!  I need 10,000!

BB:  So, why did you fire the thousand?

GODOY:  I told you!  They're in the bottom 10%.  They're losers!

BB:  What are you going to do about your personnel deficit, then?

GODOY:  Hire another thousand, of course!

BB:  Won't it be expensive to train them?

GODOY:  Not as expensive as it was to pay the previous thousand.  Newbies are cheap!  Besides, marching up and down a hill isn't really all that hard to learn.  That's just between you and me.

BB:  So, you actually fired all these people to save a few bucks?

GODOY:  Nonsense!  It's more than a few bucks.  And it keeps the surviving 9,000 healthily nervous, if you know what I mean.

BB:  But, Your Lordship!  Does arbitrarily firing 10% of your workforce really seem like good business practice to you?

GODOY:  Of course, it does!  Enron did it for years.  What better model is there?