The King of Diamonds was presiding over the House of Cards.
    "The Diamond Suit shall bring riches to the wealthy," he intoned. "This is our solemn contract with Fairyland."
    "What about the deficit, Mr. Speaker?"
    It was that pesky Queen of Hearts again.
    "The golden eggs were always sufficient to fund the operations of government under the Hearts' administration. Why are we now in debt? Why are there so many poor and homeless? What is happening to the Happy Endings?"
    "Oh, you bleeding Hearts!" scoffed the King of Diamonds. "The deficit is the sole responsibility of my predecessor, who, if you ask my opinion, was far too merry a soul for this responsible position. The People have spoken! They're tired of Happy Endings for losers. They want some Happy Endings for themselves. From now on, this government will be managed as a business. I have engaged Huffenpuff Consulting, Inc. to evaluate all of our operations and make recommendations as to how to put us on a sound business footing."
    "How are we paying for these Consultants, Mr. Speaker?" nagged the Queen of Hearts.
    "Why, with golden eggs, of course," said the King of Diamonds. "But this is a sound business decision. It will more than pay for itself in cost savings."
    At that moment, there was a flutter of wings, and a large goose flew in the window and landed in front of the speaker's dais.
    "Gertie!" exclaimed the Queen of Hearts fondly. "It's so good to see you!"
    "I protest!" squawked the goose. "I have willingly shared my eggs for the good of the realm and for Happy Endings for all. But now my eggs are being given as rewards to special interests. And this Huffenpuff creature is absolutely the last straw!"
    "Remove that goose at once!" bellowed the King of Diamonds. "She's trying to cover up for her low egg production. And no wonder her laying is off! Flying around like that and poking her beak into government affairs! No wonder, I say!"
    "Unhand that goose!" shouted the Queen of Hearts.
    There was a scuffle on the floor of the House, but the House Gendarmerie prevailed, and Gertie was hustled off.
    "All that flying is bound to detract from her laying," said the King of Diamonds. "Cut off her wings."

Huffenpuff Consulting, Inc.

    "We have extensive experience analyzing bureaucratic processes," growled Mr. Huffenpuff. "We have developed models of the various types of bureaucracies. To explain them to you, I have invited the Three Little Consultants who developed the models."
    "What you have here," squealed the First Little Consultant, "is what we call the Straw House Model. You have too many employees doing too little work and making too much money at it. They're too happy. Happy employees are unproductive employees. They come to work singing 'Hi ho, hi ho.' Then they retire and get generous pensions. And you know how long people live around here: ever after. No wonder they're happy! Very expensive, very wasteful. The least little upset in the political climate will blow the whole thing right down."
    "So, what do you suggest?" asked the King of Diamonds.
    "The important thing to remember," rumbled Mr. Huffenpuff, "is that you have to do more with less. Of course, I don't mean that you have to do more with less. Hee, hee. They have to do more with less so that you and I can have more with less effort."
    "Yes, yes," said the King of Diamonds. "But what specifically do you have in mind?"
    "Well, the 'more with less' thing is the first step. Keep repeating it like a mantra until everyone throws up. Pretend that it's just the most obvious thing in the world and that repeating the phrase will somehow magically solve all problems. Remember, this is Fairyland. There is some precedent for things like this. Some of your employees will just quit on their own. A few may actually buy it, and that will help you pull this off."
    "But surely there's more to it than that," suggested the King of Diamonds.
    "Oh, yes," growled Mr. Huffenpuff. "I'm proposing what we call the Stick House Model. It's an intermediate step, but I don't think you're ready for the Stone House Model yet."
    "First," snorted the Second Little Consultant, "you stop giving raises and promotions. Those lazy bums don't deserve any anyway. Next, you lay off about 10% of the workforce. Then you gradually increase the workload. While you're doing this, reorganize frequently."
    "They won't be able to do the work," said the King of Diamonds.
    "Uh uh uh!" said Mr. Huffenpuff. "Don't say that! Say, 'They have to do more with less!' Hee, hee! When they start to fail, you can hire expensive consultants like, ahem, yours truly to figure out what's wrong."
    "So, what is wrong?" asked the King of Diamonds, intrigued.
    "Why, they're worthless leeches on the body of society, of course!" roared Mr. Huffenpuff. "This will be the transition to the next phase."
    "Correct!" grunted the Third Little Consultant. "You see, your Stick House Model is better than your Straw House Model. There's more money for the people who really need it: politicians and consultants. But you're still vulnerable to the vagaries of the political winds. The Stick House can still be blown down. In the final phase, the Stone House Model, you get rid of all your public employees and turn all the operations over to the private sector."
    "So, I don't have any payroll, utility, or rent expenses."
    "And," continued Mr. Huffenpuff, "we have direct access to public money and no government regulation. And no one is subject to public scrutiny."
    "Great!" said the King of Diamonds. "But where will you get the workers to replace the public employees?"
    "We have resources," said Mr. Huffenpuff. "Right now, I know of some flying monkeys I could get to work for cheap."
    "So what are we waiting for?" asked the King. "I want to go right to the Stone thing."
    "Patience," counseled Mr. Huffenpuff. "That would be too abrupt. First, we have to thoroughly scapegoat the public employees. See why you need professional consultants?"
    "There is just one other thing," said the King of Diamonds. "The Happy Endings issue. Our budget just doesn't have room for those things anymore. Not if you and I want to get paid, that is."
    "We have a solution for that, too," said Mr. Huffenpuff helpfully. "People don't go for that stuff anymore. You need a different kind of story, one with more ah, adult themes..."

The Happy Endings Department

    "And you're looking for what sort of work?" asked the casting director.
    "Prince roles," said the applicant.
    "Begging pardon, but you look a bit long in the tooth for prince roles."
    "Ridiculous!" said the applicant. "No one ever ages here. Unless they want to, that is."
    "Times have changed. Everyone is showing a bit of wear and tear these days. We're even thinking of changing our name from the Happy Endings Department to ... well, something else. But Happy Endings aren't selling as well as they used to. Do you have any experience?"
    "Do I have any experience? Are you kidding? I'm Prince Charming. I've played opposite all of the great ones: Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty."
    "Uh-oh!" said the casting director. "You'd better not say that!"
    "Better not say what?"
    "'Prince Charming.' HED has the copyright on that name. It belongs to us."
    "But I am Prince Charming. The original. What am I supposed to call myself?"
    "I don't really care, as long as it's not 'Prince Charming.' Unless you want to get sued."
    The Prince Formerly Known As Charming looked dejected.
    "But about the roles," the casting director continued. "We don't have much call for princes these days, and you're the wrong type for the ones we do have. You're too old and too skinny. You don't have the sex appeal. But I do have some other roles you might be interested in..."

    "Where ya headed, baby?"
    The Wolf leered lasciviously at Red.
    "Who wants to know?"
    Red looked the Wolf squarely in the eye. This was what her mother had warned her about. She liked it.
    "I'm the Big Bad Wolf, baby," said the Wolf. "So, whattaya say?"
    "Oh, Wolfie!" said Red. "What big ears you have!"
    "The better to hear ya with, baby!"
    "And, oh, Wolfie! What big eyes you have!"
    "The better to check ya out with, baby!"
    "And, oh, Wolfie! What big paws you have!"
    "The better to undress you with, baby!"
    "But, ooo, Wolfie what a big ... "

    "No, no," said PFKAC. "I'm not interested in playing the Wolf in 'Big Red Rides.'"
    "Don't be hasty!" advised the casting director. "It's a meaty role. In this one, after they off the old lady, the Wolf gets to slash the Huntsman to bits. You see, Red distracts the Huntsman by baring her bosom. Then they're off on a fourteen-state orgy of death and destruction."
    "No, really, no."

Again, the House of Cards

    "The new adult fairy tales are selling like hotcakes," said the King of Diamonds. "And so I urge all of you to support the remainder of the Huffenpuff Plan."
    "They're disgusting! I'm amazed that we haven't all been turned into frogs already!"
    "I see the Queen of Hearts is still pushing her partisan agenda," said the King of Diamonds. "But as she well knows, we have strong support from all suits on the Huffenpuff Plan."
    The Knave of Hearts rose. "As the leader of Hearts for Fiscal Responsibility, I wholeheartedly endorse the Speaker's position."
    "Who will carry on the business of the State?" asked the Queen of Hearts. "There won't be enough workers. How will we keep track of the greedheads who are ruining Fairyland?"
    "Oh, grow up!" said the Knave of Hearts irritably. "It's the greedheads that pay for our expensive lifestyles. In fact, I'm proud to count myself among the greedheads!"
    "I don't take anything from those assholes," said the Queen of Hearts.
    "You don't?" said the Knave of Hearts. "Is that permitted, Mr. Speaker?"
    "There will be an inquiry after we have our vote," said the King of Diamonds, smiling benignly.
    At that moment, there was a slapping noise in the hall, and Gertie the Goose waddled in.
    "I protest!" she squawked. "They're stealing my golden eggs for that Huffenpuff brute! Does anybody know what he and his goons are up to?"
    "What? Still meddling?" shrieked the King of Diamonds. "Didn't I tell you to cut off her wings? You did? Well, get her out of here! And cut off her feet, while you're at it!"
    "Consider it done, Mr. Speaker," said the Knave of Hearts.

The Department of Adult Fairy Tales

    "Yes, we've changed our name, Mr., uh, what was it?"
    "The Prince Formerly Known As Charming," said PFKAC sheepishly.
    "Well, Mr. PFKAC," said the casting director, "it wasn't my idea, I must say. I rather liked the 'Happy Endings' name better, although I must admit that the new acronym has a certain ring to it."
    PFKAC sighed.
    "I don't suppose you have any new roles for me?"

    "Of course, you can't expect me to do this for nothing," said the dwarf.
    "But you know I can't spin straw into gold," sobbed the miller's daughter. "And I've already given you my ring and my necklace. I don't have anything else to pay you with."
    "I wouldn't say that," leered the dwarf. "Just pull down your drawers, and I'm sure we can work something out. Or in, as the case may be... "

    "No, I don't think so," said PFKAC. "I'm, uh, not the dwarf type."
    "Pity," said the casting director. "These things are selling like hotcakes."
    "More's the pity," sighed PFKAC. "Maybe a supporting role would be better. I used to do them when I was a young prince. I was an extra in 'The Goose that Laid the Golden Eggs.'"
    "Oh, really?" said the casting director. "Have you heard what's happened to the goose since?"
    "Sure. Ol' Gertie has been supporting all of Fairyland with her eggs."
    "I'm afraid she's gotten into a little trouble lately," said the casting director. "Not pulling her weight, they say... "

Once more the House of Cards

    "I am pleased to announce that the Queen of Hearts has been expelled from the House. The House Ethics Committee has dealt with her and discarded her for arrogant honesty and failure to accept bribes."
    The King of Diamonds smiled.
    "Mr. Speaker! What of the goose's allegations?"
    "Glad you asked," said the Speaker. "It seems that the former Queen of Hearts leaked a document full of false allegations to the news media. They were mainly allegations of cruelty and misappropriation of golden eggs. She claims they were made by the goose, which is ridiculous in itself. We have, of course, refuted all charges. And I'm having the miserable fowl debeaked. She doesn't need a beak to lay eggs, after all.
    "But on to the main business of the day. The Fairyland Public Employees have proved themselves lazy and incompetent to perform the tasks assigned to them. It's no wonder we're running a deficit! It's no wonder that government services are inadequate!"
    "Um, Mr. Speaker! You don't suppose this has anything to do with the recent massive layoffs and budget cuts, do you?"
    "Ridiculous! They have failed to do more with less! Ha! Leave it to a member of the Heart Suit to make such an absurd charge!"
    The King of Diamonds turned to the Knave of Hearts. "Shut that guy up, will you?"
    "Right away, Mr. Speaker," said the Knave.
    "It is time," said the King of Diamonds, "to turn government over to competent hands and to turn those lazy, overpaid slugs out. We have before us a proposal by Huffenpuff Consulting ... "

Again the Department of Adult Fairy Tales

The door to the cottage was ajar. Snow White knew immediately that something was wrong, but she was not prepared for the scene that met her eyes. There were bloody bits of dwarf everywhere she looked. Little was recognizable: Sleazy's ear, Grungy's nose, Horny's oversized ...
    Enough! It stopped here! Now, it was personal! Snow White strapped on her cartridge belts and grabbed her AK-47 assault rifle ...

    "I'm confused," said PFKAC. "Exactly where am I supposed to fit into this?"
    "You said you would consider supporting roles," the casting director reminded him. "I know you don't see yourself as the dwarf type, but we have seven little roles to choose from. I think Greasy would particularly suit you."
    "Thanks, no," said PFKAC. "By the way, have you heard any more about Gertie?"
    "Only that she's going to be debeaked for squawking too much. I have another Tale to show you."
    "Not today, thanks," said PFKAC. "I have to go see a friend."

The Department of the Treasury, Goose Division

    "Prince Charming! It's been a long time! How did you get by the guards?"
    "The guards are all flying monkeys. It was a piece of cake. Oh, you'd better stop calling me 'Prince Charming.'"
    "Why?" asked Gertie. "Isn't that your name?"
    "It's a long story," said PFKAC.
    "They're going to debeak me, you know."
    "I don't think so," said PFKAC, scooping her into a sack. "I'm sure the flying monkeys would make a botch of it, anyway."
    "They'll come after us, you know."
    "I suppose. But they'll have to do better than monkeys to find us."
    "What will we do? You won't be able to be a prince anymore."
    "I can't be a prince, anyway," said PFKAC. "I think I want to be a wandering minstrel."
    "You can't play an instrument, and you can't sing a note," Gertie objected.
    "So, look who's talking," said PFKAC. "You're supposed to be a goose, but you can't fly, and you can't swim."
    They were past the flying monkeys and on the road.

A Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, there was a wandering minstrel. He traveled the dusty byways with his lute under one arm and a goose under the other. The goose could neither fly nor walk, for she was crippled. The minstrel could neither play nor sing, for he was tone-deaf. The air and water of the land were becoming polluted, for the government was in the hands of greedy and incompetent nincompoops. Sometimes the sun was blotted out by swarms of flying monkeys. But as the minstrel and the goose followed the horizon, they would look fondly at each other and smile, for they knew something the incompetent nincompoops would never know. And they got on pretty well for a very long time.