Once upon a time, there were four brothers, each
of whom had an amazing special talent. The first brother ... well,
we'll return to the first brother in a moment, for he had the most amazing
talent of all. The second brother could blow a gale-force breath
for a period of 1.2 seconds. His name was Blowhard. The third
brother could, by dint of heavy concentration, cause tubular objects to
constrict for a period not to exceed 10 seconds. His name was Tubie.
And the fourth brother could make lit light bulbs appear over people's
heads, just the way they do in the funny papers. The light bulbs
lasted for 30 minutes or so. The fourth brother's name was Bulb.
But back to the first brother, whose name was Ed.
His amazing talent was no less than the ability to order the other three
brothers around.
Oddly enough, no one seemed to find any of these
talents particularly amazing. Or useful.
But it came to pass that a neighboring kingdom,
for reasons that will soon become clear, sent out a desperate plea for
help. The king offered the standard deal in full-color ads in all
the major news media. The ads went something like this:
Wanted:
Experienced, fast-paced, high-achieving individuals for monster control
contract opportunities.
Will compensate up to one half of kingdom (clean, pre-owned) plus daughter's
hand in marriage, dependent
on results. Please apply in person at The Neighboring Kingdom.
Resumes will not be accepted in lieu of the
official 36-page kingdom application.
Ed, the managerial brother, noticed the advertisement
and determined that he and his brothers would investigate this opportunity.
So, they made the journey to the neighboring kingdom and reported to the
royal palace. The king was glad to see them.
"We've had a lot of applicants," groused the king,
"but none of them have been suitable. Most of them have been out-of-work
information technology types. Not suitable for monster work at all,
I'm afraid. Of the rest, about 60% expire half way through the application."
"Well, your problem is as good as solved," crooned
Ed confidently. "Um, exactly what is your problem, anyway?"
"Oh, dear!" moaned the king, clutching his crown
and swaying as if he were about to faint.
"You have dizzy spells?" guessed Ed.
"No, no. It's just that every time I think
about it, I get the vapors." The king sighed. "My kingdom has
a small monster problem," he said.
"That doesn't sound too bad," Blowhard volunteered.
"Just how big are these monsters?"
"Huge," said the king. "I meant the problem,
not the monsters."
"Oh, that's good, too," suggested Tubie. "Small
problems are good."
The king tugged uncomfortably at his collar and
started to sweat. "Actually, the problem is rather large, too.
But it only happens once every 10 years."
"And the last time was ...?" asked Bulb encouragingly.
"Ten years ago, " said the king.
"So, what's your monster?" asked Ed.
The king hesitated for a moment. "Well, it's
really
three monsters. First comes the dragon. It flies
in low over the forest, gives one blast of its fiery breath, and
toasts my kingdom like a marshmallow. Then it goes away. Just
when we're getting over that, a gigantic serpent rises out of the lake
over yonder, gulps down about half the lake, and spits it all over the
countryside. It takes three days for the flood to subside.
As if that weren't enough, a huge moth flies over my kingdom. The
wind from its wings blows away anything that hasn't already been destroyed
by fire or water. Then we have 10 years to rebuild before they come
back and do it all again. I'm afraid no one will be able to help
us."
"Don't worry," said Ed. "This is right up our alley."
When the dragon arrived, Blowhard was waiting for
it. When it opened its mouth to spew fire, Blowhard blew back.
He could only puff for 1.2 seconds, but it was enough to blow the flames
back down the dragon's throat. This is the origin of the now popular
term "blowback."
"Ack!" squeaked the dragon and galloped off to soak
its head in the lake.
A few days later, the great serpent arose from the
lake. Just as it bent its head gulp up water, Tubie applied his tubal
contraction powers. The serpent's face began to turn blue.
"Glorp!" gurgled the serpent and flopped back into
the lake.
Not long after the serpent had retired to the lake, the third monster appeared, just as the king had foretold. The wings of the giant moth blocked out the moon and stars and raised a mighty wind wherever they flapped. This time, it was Bulb who was waiting. He whomped up a light bulb over the moth's head. The dumbfounded beast flew around and around in circles, trying to get to the light. Finally, it passed out from dizziness and disappeared over someone else's kingdom.
The king was overjoyed and immediately prepared to
deliver both half of his clean, pre-owned kingdom and his daughter to the
appropriate hero.
"But which of you is the lucky hero?" asked the
king.
"I am, of course," said Ed.
"Wait a minute," chorused the other three. "We did
all the work!"
"But you needed me to tell you what to do," said
Ed. "Anyway, none of you had a hand in every monster action, while I did."
"But you just sat in the palace eating corn chips
while we faced down all the monsters," griped the other brothers.
"But remember that my amazing talent is to order
you guys around," countered Ed.
"Oh, yeah," admitted the three.
"But don't worry!" said Ed comfortingly. "I have
jobs for all of you."
So, Ed married the king's daughter and became a king
himself, or Chief Ruling Officer, as he preferred to call it. He
put Blowhard in charge of the forests, which he had saved from burning.
He put Tubie in charge of lakes, which he had saved from being spewed all
over the kingdom. As for Bulb, he was responsible for the air, which
he had prevented from being propelled across the land at hurricane force.
This arrangement worked out splendidly for several
years. Then one day, King Ed (or Ed the CRO) called Blowhard, Tubie,
and Bulb into his office.
"Guys," said King Ed, "I'll get right to the point.
These are tough economic times. We have to tighten our belts to remain
competitive with the other kingdoms. So, I'm laying all of you off.
Bye."
"Wait a minute!" objected Blowhard. "We're your
brothers! Your own flesh and blood!"
"It's nothing personal," said King Ed. "It's about
money. Bye."
"Oh," said Blowhard.
"But wait another minute!" Tubie interjected. "I
thought we were doing great. Beating the pants off the competition,
as it were."
"Well, yeah," said King Ed. "We are. But I
can make even more money if I dump you. Bye."
"Oh, I see," said Tubie.
"But just another cotton-pickin' minute!"
Bulb protested. "We have important jobs in this kingdom. You can't
just eliminate our jobs!"
"Well, ... yes, I can, if I want to," said King
Ed. "I'm the CRO. That's what CROs do. But I'll explain.
Not that I'm under any obligation to explain anything to three jobless
bums. But for old times' sake. I don't really need anyone to
take care of the air. How do you do that, anyway? It's a stupid
job. So, that's gone. I found a kid with an MBA who can take
care of the lakes. He has better credentials than Tubie, and I can
have him for a fraction of your salary. As for the forests, I'm contracting
that out to some wretches a couple of kingdoms away. They're really
in bad shape over there and will work for peanuts. So, as I said,
bye."
"But what about our amazing abilities?" wailed the
three brothers. "Remember the three monsters we vanquished? What
about that, huh?"
"That was then, this is now," said King Ed. "You
haven't done anything for me for ten years. Don't let the door hit
you on the way out."
The three brothers thought about that for a while.
Then Bulb had a bright idea.
"Just hold your horses!" he shouted. "We're going
to the queen about this! I'll bet she won't approve of what
you're doing!"
"Probably not," said King Ed. "But I've laid her
off, too. I find that I can obtain the services she provided much
more cheaply on a contractual basis from independent operators."
"What about your kids?" gasped the three brothers.
"Laid those greedy, gluttonous little pigs off,
too," said King Ed. "Hired a couple of others from that other dirt-poor
kingdom. Give 'em a bowl of rice a day, and they're set. Saves
me a bundle on operating expenses. Bruno and Guido will walk you
out now."
As the three unemployed brothers wended their way
toward the border of King Ed's kingdom, it is perhaps not surprising if
they failed to notice the rush of wings coming in low over the forest.