Extremophiles

My Dear Professor,

I know this is not your area of expertise, but as you have always been my favorite teacher, I wanted you to be the first to share in the remarkable outcomes of my research. Especially in the astounding discoveries of my recent expedition.

You know, of course, what "extremophiles" are ... organisms that thrive in the most unlikely and inhospitable environments imaginable, such as volcanoes and ice and acids. Oddly enough, in spite of my specialization, I have always felt a bit uncomfortable with the term: "lover of the extreme." Survivor in the extreme, yes. Maybe even thriver in the extreme. But lover? It has always seemed to me that these organisms made do in extreme conditions because the ecological slot was there. Maybe there should be a term for "putter-up with the extreme," no? Perhaps, since they are adapted to an extreme environment, and that is in any case all they have ever known, they would say they loved it, if we could ask them. But we can't, because they are all microbes! With maybe a worm or two at the high end.

And that is what makes my discovery so revolutionary. I have discovered a species of extremophile that is highly complex, does love extreme environments, and is capable of telling us so! These extremophiles, while not highly intelligent by our standards, are intelligent enough to choose extreme environments over benign ones and ... get this ... even to build them.

I have observed these creatures in their natural habitat, which used to be mild and benign before they got to work on it. Their planet has - had - a nice ozone layer that protected the inhabitants from their star's ultraviolet ray. The extremophiles systematically destroyed that by bombarding it with halogens, while simultaneously pumping up ground-level ozone by various pollution strategies to make breathing more challenging. This appears to be the general strategy: Attack the basic elements of life support to make survival as difficult as possible.

They treat every environmental boon ss a problem to solve. So, in the case I just mentioned, you have:

Problem: Protection from star's ultraviolet rays.
Solution: Destroy ozone layer with halogens.

Problem: Abundant clean air.
Solution: Engorge the atmosphere with pollutants.

But there are more problem/solution sets:

Problem: Temperate climate.
Solution: Immolate tons of carbon.

Problem: Abundant clean water.
Solution: Dump every kind of waste and poison into the water. Squander what's left.

Problem: Disgusting biodiversity.
Solution: Hunt to extinction. Slash and burn. Destroy habitat. (See other solutions above.)

Problem: Insufficient natural predators.
Solution: Kill each other. They are actually quite ingenious about this.

Problem: Extremophiles getting along with each other.
Solution: Religion. Begging your indulgence on this, sir. The explanation is too long for one poor letter.

Problem: Other solutions not working fast enough.
Solution: Weapons of mass destruction. Nuclear bombs top the list. If, aggressive efforts notwithstanding, the planet somehow remains livable, this is their ace in the hole.

Interestingly, these creatures have a non-extremophile subspecies. You might call them extremophobes, but I am thinking of calling them "moderatophiles." Tell me what you think. I am open to suggestions. In any case, these moderatophiles are forever whining about anything and everything their extremophile brethren do. The extremophiles loathe and despise them and, I am happy to say, utterly steamroll them.

At present, I am not at liberty to divulge the location of this amazing extremophile species. That will have to wait until I publish. I wouldn't want some other scholar to beat me to the punch, you understand. But I will say one thing in closing. It used to be a pretty nice little planet.

Sincerely yours,

Zbgrstkach

(Translated from the original Ngzostik.)