copyright © 2003 by Robert L. Blau

    "Good evening sports fans!  This is Don Basilla with AK47 Sports.  It's March Madness time again.  It's been a long road to the Evil Four, but we're here today to witness the first game between Iraq and the United States.  With me today, I have Salaam Alaykum, the coach of the Iraqi team.  Mr. Alaykum, this must be really exciting for you!"
    "That's not the word I would have used, Don.  Say, do you think I could catch a ride out of here with you?"
    "Tell me, Sal ...  May I call  you 'Sal?'"
    "I wish you wouldn't.  Sure you don't have an extra seat on the plane?"
    "Sal, how did you get into the Evil Four, anyway?  Aggressive play?  Meticulous execution?  Summary execution?"
    "Let's say it's just something you're chosen for, Don.  You know, I wouldn't take up any room at all.  I could just sit on the floor.  How would that be?"
    "And who's on the selection committee?"
    "Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz, and Perle."
    "Ah. You've drawn the United States in the opening game here.  Did that surprise you?"
    "Not really.  About that ride, ...  I'd be quiet as a mouse."
    "Well, let me ask you about the other teams.  How about Iran?  How would you feel about playing Iran?  There's some bad blood going back years there, huh?  I know that you're a prohibitive underdog to the United States, but if  you could pull the big upset, and Iran beats North Korea in the second game, you could face Iran for the Evil Championship."
    "Don, I don't think you understand how this works.  The US plans to bomb us back to the Stone Age.  Then they go after Iran.  Then North Korea.  Please help me."
    "Sal, could you discuss the weapons you're going to use in this game?  Are you planning to play a perimeter game, or try to take it to them inside?"
    "Uh, we don't have any weapons to speak of, Don.  Most of them were destroyed during the last ... games."
    "Oh, keeping that stuff hidden, huh?  I understand.  The fans will just have to wait until tip-off time.  But can you share anything about your strategy, Sal?"
    "Well, just kind of hunker down and scream for help, I think."
    "Could you tell the fans what happens the Evil Four losers, Sal?"
    "Oh, death, destruction, and about 10 years of foreign occupation.  Loss of control of all  your resources.  That sort of thing."
    "Take no prisoners, eh?  Eh?"
    "Actually, they'll probably take a lot of prisoners, Don. Um, I surrender.  How's that?  Now, will you get me out of here?"
    "And there you have it, fans!  Game One is just about to begin.  We'll be back with coverage of Game Two as soon as this is over!  Don Basilla signing off."