THE EMPEROR’S NEW TOOL
copyright © 1999 by Robert L. Blau     Once upon a time, there was an emperor who had data management problems. When one Chief Information Officer failed to deliver solutions to his data needs, the emperor would fire him and replace him with a new CIO. Each new CIO brought different ideas, different software tools, and a different stable of consultants. Each promised that his approach, his tool, his experts would bring order to the empire's chaotic mess. Instead of improving, however, the situation only got worse.
    One day, the emperor got a call from a consulting firm he had never heard of before.
    "Your Majesty," said the consultant, "I represent Software Consulting and Management. We have just the tool to meet your data management needs."
    "Well," said the emperor, "I've heard that before. If you think you have something good, call my CIO and talk to him. He handles all the software stuff."
    "But," said the consultant, "we have found that computer people are insufficiently enlightened to appreciate our product. They cling to parochial prejudices that favor their pet products. Have any of your CIOs been able to solve your problems? Or have they made them worse? It requires a truly enlightened Monarch such as yourself to appreciate the remarkable features of this tool."
    The emperor was flattered, so he agreed to meet with the SCAM team for a product demo. They arrived carrying a single diskette.
    "Part of the beauty of this tool," said the first consultant, "is its simplicity and economy of size. Now, I must warn Your Majesty that the benighted are unable even to see the product's elegant menu screens."
    The consultant inserted the diskette. Almost immediately, the computer screen displayed the likeness of Porky Pig, and the strains of the "That's All, Folks!" song filled the air.
    "Now," said another consultant quickly, "some people have reported seeing the hideous visage of a swine on the screen and hearing strange music. This is a reflection of their own swine-like ignorance and stupidity. It is a marvelous feature of this software that it can separate the truly knowledgeable from the pretenders. This feature is yours at no extra charge."
    The emperor hired the consultants and purchased the tool. Soon, it was installed throughout the empire, and the halls were ringing with "That's All, Folks!"
    No one, least of all the CIO, had the nerve to tell the Emperor that they saw Porky Pig.
    One day, one of the lowliest computer programmers brought his toddler to visit the office. Someone was running the Porky Pig program.
    "Oooo!" cooed the toddler. "Porky Pig!"
    "It is, you know," said the lowly programmer.
    Other programmers looked up cautiously. "Yes," they agreed.
    So, the programmers went to the systems analysts and said, "It is Porky Pig!"
    And the systems analysts went to the team leaders and said, "That's all, folks!"
    And the team leaders went to the managers and said, "It's about time somebody put a stop to this farce!"
    And the managers said, "If you repeat that to our customers, it will undermine our credibility. We won't tolerate such negativity. How would it look? We have to support our Emperor. The next person to criticize the Emperor's new tool is fired. And keep your brats out of here!"
    And the consultants lived happily ever after.