day_of_the_voting_brain

The Day of the Voting Brain-Dead

I was standing in line, waiting to vote, when it lurched up behind me. It was a horror. Slack jaws. Blank eyes. Lurching gait. Poor posture.

"Make merka great 'gain," it moaned. Then it chomped down on my shoulder. I pushed it away, and someone screamed. It might have been me.

"Watch it there," cautioned the poll worker. "You could be engaging in voter intimidation."

"It's all right," I reassured her. "I'm not intimidated. It just took me by surprise."

"Not it,"said the poll worker. "You."

"It tried to bite me!" I protested.

"Yes, they will do that," nodded the poll worker.

"They?" I squeaked. Then I noticed that the voting line was filled with slack-jawed, blank-eyed, slouching, lurching horrors. Well, about half full. All of them were lurching and moaning unintelligibly.

"Build wa-a-a-all."

"Crookt hrry."

"Muzzim terrsts."

"Grabbem by da ..."

And other incomprehensible drivel.

"What's going on?" I cried. "What's happening to my neighborhood?"

"Oh, not just your neighborhood," the poll worker assured me. "This is happening all over the country."

"But ... surely, you aren't going to let these things vote?" I gasped.

"Of course, we are," replied the poll worker. "They're registered voters."

"No, no," I mumbled, a bit incoherent myself. "You know, I never believed those stories about 'voter fraud' before, but here is the proof of it: dead people voting!"

"Not dead," the poll worker corrected me. "Brain-dead. Nothing fraudulent about that. Perfectly legal."

"But how could this happen?" I whined.

The poll worker shrugged. "Not sure," she said. "I heard it was some strange ray from outer Fox."

"This one keeps trying to eat me," I complained.

"Oh, don't be such a pussy," sneered the poll worker. "Just keep away from it. They're slow and stupid. But don't let it bite you, of course."

"Omigod!" I sobbed. "It bit me on the shoulder! Does that mean I'm going to turn into one, too?"

"Don't be so dramatic," scoffed the poll worker. "That's just in the movies. The worst you're gonna get is tetanus. Or maybe rabies. That sort of thing."

"Oh, I am so reassured," I said. "But there must be some way to kill these things. I know! Chop off their heads, right? Or shoot them in the head!"

The poll worker shook her head sadly. "Of course, that won't work," she chided. "They're brain-dead, remember. They function just as well without their heads as with."

"Then what's the answer?" I asked.

The poll worker shrugged. "Guess we're going to find out pretty soon," she said.