Every year, the crocodiles of the Grumeti River in Tanzania feast on the migrating wildebeest who come to drink...

    “I am gratified to see such a large turnout,” said the crocodile with a broad smile. “As many of you know, this is Beest Cancer Awareness Week, and I am here to inform you of the causes, treatment, and prevention of this mysterious and deadly disease.”
    The wildebeest milled about. “What a Croc!” they bleated.
    “Thank you,” said the crocodile, demurely averting his eyes. “Beest Cancer can strike at any moment and at any part of the body. The symptoms are sudden and massive bodily trauma. Limbs and other bodily parts tear off, causing severe hemorrhaging and, often, death. The disease is not perfectly understood, but we do know some of the causes and some preventive measures you can take to improve your chances.”
    “It always seems to happen around here,” ventured one unusually independent wildebeest.
    “Ah, seems,” said the crocodile. “That’s just someone’s impression. Very uscientific and unprovable. Let me ask you this: How many of you had parents who were victims of Beest Cancer?”
    Most of the hooves went up.
    “Ok, and of those who raised their hooves, how many had grandparents who were victims of Beest Cancer?”
    Most of the same hooves went up again.
    “You see?” said the crocodile. “It’s hereditary. It’s in your genes. You might say that it’s your fate. Aren’t you glad I’m here to explain that?”
    “What a Croc!” lowed the wildebeest.
    “Thank you,” said the crocodile.
    “It always seems to happen when we’re drinking at the river,” persisted the independent wildebeest.
    “There’s that seems again,” said the crocodile patiently. “Here’s another scientific research finding: eating a low-fat diet may significantly improve your chances of avoiding Beest Cancer.”
    “Um, we’re herbivores,” said another wildebeest. “We don’t have any fat in our diet.”
    “Well, then, there’s a plus factor for you! Isn’t that encouraging?”
    “What a Croc!” mooed the herd.
    “I think it’s all the crocodiles in the river,” insisted the independent-minded wildebeest.
    “Now, thinking doesn’t lead us to solutions, does it?” said the crocodile benignly. “It takes research. Funded research. Research funded by the right parties. Here’s another scientific fact: You are more susceptible to Beest Cancer if your ancestors come from East Africa.”
    “We all come from East Africa,” objected one wildebeest.
    “That is a shame,” sympathized the crocodile.
    “What a Croc!” bellowed the herd.
    “Let’s try a scientific experiment,” suggested the independent wildebeest. “Let’s have all the crocodiles go to the far bank of the river while we drink.”
    “That would hardly be fair,” sniffed the crocodile, and an apparently genuine tear rolled from his eye. “We crocodiles are creatures of the water. No creature of good conscience could ask us to leave our homes on a whim. Don’t you trust us? We’re only here to help.”
    “What a Croc!” roared the herd.
    “In fact, we have set up the Crocodile Beest Cancer Clinic to treat unfortunate wildebeest who are suffering from Beest Cancer, but are still incompletely digested. Just drop in, if you happen to make it.”
    “What a Croc!” howled the herd.
    “I say we have a problem as long as that river is full of crocodiles,” said the pesky wildebeest.
    “You have to drink sometime,” said the crocodile. And his smile was full of teeth.

In the past 35 years, the incidence of breast cancer has risen from 1 in 20 to 1 in 8. The mainstream media never address the explosion of carcinogens into our environment as a cause. When the polluters sponsor "Breast Cancer Awareness Week," the results are sadly predictable.  Apologies to all the real crocodiles, who kill only for food.

This story was first published in the Wheatsville Breeze, January/February 1998.