Bonobo Diary

December 5, 2015 - Humans don't understand news. There's an old saying, something to the effect of "Dog bites man is not news; man bites dog is news." The point, obviously, is that news is something out of the ordinary. The normal, the quotidian, the humdrum, the banal, the expected is not news. So every day, we see gigantic headlines announcing another mass extinction. Excuse me. Another mass shooting. But mass shootings are the norm. It's what humans do to each other. Now, "NO MASS SHOOTINGS TODAY" would be news.

Actually, I have a theory about why humans keep putting mass shootings in the headlines. It's because the journalists are lazy. This way, they can keep using the same headline over and over. All they have to do is plug in the location and number of dead. They probably have an app for that.

In any case, humans need to update their language to reflect current-day reality. For example, "American as apple pie" should be "American as mass murder."

June 20, 2015 - I don't know if I've mentioned that humans are too stupid to live. Am I repeating myself? Then maybe that's because humans keep repeating themselves. Over and over and over again. This was another gun massacre, and I'm sure you're saying, "So what else is new?" And you're right. I've let a lot of them pass because I don't want to bore you. More than usual.

But I'm bringing this one up because it illustrates a particular human pathology and idiocy. Let's call it a "pathidiocy." Humans are peculiarly fixated on skin shade. This may be difficult for you to grasp because, since we're all covered in hair, the subject just doesn't come up very often. Humans are all basically the same color, just different shades on a continuum, but they are convinced that slight variations in shade are crucial to intelligence, character, moral stature, and worthiness in the sight of their choice of Great Sky Being. And I hate to say this, but there is some anecdotal evidence that they are right. The paler ones do seem to be stupider, more pig-headed, and more violent.

So, case in point. A pale-shaded human whelp walks into a church of the darker-shaded and guns down 9 fellow humans. Before doing it, he tells them it's because their skin has a bad shade. (A "church," by the way, is a place where humans worship the Great Sky Human.)

Typical enough of such a demented species. But further evidence of the utter depravity of the species ensues. This gratuitous mayhem took place, as usual, in a country called the United States of America., a gun-saturated area where pale-hued humans predominate. When dark-hued humans kill a bunch of other humans for non-mercenary reasons, the pale-hues call that "terrorism." (If it's done for money, that's considered normal.) When a pale-hue does it to dark-hues, they call that "an isolated incident." Or possibly "justifiable homicide."

You probably noticed that this is a Prime Postulate issue! Pale-hues are Good Guys. Good Guys can't do Bad things. Terrorism is Bad. Pale-hues cannot be terrorists.

April 4, 2015 - Humans have a death wish. It might be because they believe that everything will be better after they are dead. This has to do with their delusions about a Great Sky Human. But it's probably just in their DNA. What I would call a malignant time mutation. Most malignant mutations are speedily fatal to the mutatee (which is not a relative of the manatee), but a time mutation is like a time bomb. A time bomb explodes when a certain amount of time passes. A time mutation explodes when a critical mass of something in the species is attained. In this case, the "something" is stupidity.

Be all that as it may, humans just love to kill things. They especially love to kill each other. And what they love above all else is war. War is the mass annihilation of humans by each other without let or hindrance. With, in fact, the color of righteousness and justification.

Every once in a while, you find some humans acting to prevent war. This is a rare occurrence. I attribute it to another genetic mutation, definitely recessive. Nevertheless, it does occasionally happen, and we had a recent instance just the other day. Two bitter enemies called "the United States of America" and "Iran" agreed that Iran would not make atomic bombs anytime soon. Atomic bombs are humans' favorite toys for wiping out vast populations of other humans (among other species). The United States has the most atomic bombs, enough to exterminate every human on the planet. But that is ok because they know that they are the Good Guys. Iran, on the other hand, are the Bad Guys. Although Iran actually sees it the other way around. Nevertheless, they made this agreement, which is practically unheard of for such a savage species.

Now, that sounds like a Prime Postulate violation, does it not? Yes! But never fear! The humans who made the agreement are just a tiny number of the lot. As you would expect, the Legions of the Damning are rising up to Crush the Infamous Agreement! What legions are these, you may ask? Iranians or Americans? Good Guys or Bad Guys? Well, all Good Guys, of course. Which means both sides. Because that's how the Prime Postulate works. No one has a better alternative. No one has even tried to offer one. They just know they don't want cooperation. The default position is war, which all humans love. They love it to death.

January 5, 2015 - A limping happu New Year, brethren and sistren. I'm trying "happu" this year based on the verifiably poor performance of "happy" and the theory that "happu" might be better. Not sayin' it can't be worse. That would be a challenge to the Murphy of the Universe.

Humans are accustomed to make "resolutions" for the New Year. A New Year's resolution is a promise, generally to be less of a horse's ass, made on January 1st and broken on January 2nd.

Here, based on my experience with humans, is a true list of human New Year's resolutions, ones made in their dark heart of hearts and not likely to be broken ...

We resolve to continue to use our planet as a cesspit and claim divine authority to do so.

We resolve to deal with the consequences of such use by denying that they exist.

We resolve to reject science because it's too hard and doesn't give us the answers we want.

We resolve to pull the answers we do want out of our rectums and claim that they came from God.

We resolve to continue to choose as leaders the vilest, most vicious, greediest specimens of our vile, vicious, greedy species, cause that's who we are.

We resolve to oppress and brutalize anyone in the least different from us because it feeds our delusions of superiority.

We particularly resolve to oppress the females of the species. See the previous resolution.

We resolve to blame every problem we have on someone else and never accept responsibility for anything.

We resolve to spread guns to every nook and cranny of the planet as a solution for everything and a substitute for brains.

Amen.