Bonobo Diary

August 3, 2013 - Apologies tor the long delay. The truth is, I have been involved in anthropological research. And have the results ever been intriguing! It turns out that Homo moronis has a subspecies. Let's call it Homo moronis texana. I may have mentioned one or two (hundred) times that humans are too stupid to live. But this hominid subspecies is just off the bottom of the charts. Here are just a couple of examples:

-- Members of this human subspecies have no rules for handling highly explosive toxic substances or for keeping them a safe distance from their young. However, they do have very detailed rules about the sexual conduct of their females.

-- When their leaders meet to make important decisions, observers may bring deadly projectile weapons to the meetings, but feminine hygiene products are prohibited.

February 28, 2013 - What is "sequestration?" Well may you ask.

A hyena and a vulture are arguing over a dead gnu. There is plenty for each of them, but they can't decide how to divvy it up, and neither will let the other touch the prize until they have a settlement. Finally, they have a brainstorm. Admittedly, for brains that tiny, it's more of a light shower. But this is what they decide: If they cannot agree on a division of the corpse, they will just let it rot, and neither will eat any of it. Since they are both so stubborn and unable to compromise, they would force themselves to compromise by procrastinating. This seemed a brilliant (ok, mildly luminescent) idea because ... surely, no rational creature would let good food go to waste while it starved, right? So the hyena and vulture bicker themselves to death while the corpse rots away.

That is sequestration.

January 16, 2013 - Oh, the questions you ask about the human reaction to firearm mayhem. "Are they crazy?" Of course. "Or just stupid?" That, too. Some of you have apparently been following the slaughter of little humans at school by a deranged human not much older than they. Let me give you an analogy.

You are ambling through the bush and come to a great river. The banks are full of zebra, who want to cross, but the river is full of crocodiles. There are also some humans on the bank, and they are eager to advise.

"Dive right in," says the first human. "It's perfectly safe."

Some zebra enter the river and are torn apart by crocodiles. The humans keep waving them on.

"Our comrades just got devoured," observe the zebras.

"A one-time unfortunate accident," says the first human. "Go on."

Some more zebras get gobbled up.

"That is definitely dangerous," says a zebra.

"That was the fault of a couple of bad crocodiles," says a second human. "What you need is more crocodiles."

"Well, there certainly seem to be more gathering," says another zebra, and he and another passel of zebras enter the river and get annihilated.

"More crocodiles doesn't seem to be the answer," says another zebra.

"Never mind that," says a third human. "The truth is, there are no crocodiles in the river, and what you think you just saw never happened. It was a hoax made up by bad people who want to make you afraid of crocodiles."

January 15, 2013 - What, you have asked, is a "debt ceiling," and why are the humans so apoplectic about it?

Ok. So I ask you for a bunch of bananas till Tuesday, and you say ok. Come Tuesday, you want your bananas back, but I say, "No! That was too many bananas I borrowed. I have a debt ceiling of two bananas, so you can have two bananas."

"But," you say, "you borrowed a whole bunch."

"Yes," I reply, "but my debt ceiling is two."

"Where did this 'debt ceiling' come from?" you inquire.

"I made it," I reply, "and I can change it any time I want to."

"Then why don't you?" you ask. "I mean, seeing as you borrowed the bunch of bananas, and you pulled this debt ceiling thing out of your bottom, and you have full authority to change it?"

"Ah," I say, "but that would be fiscally irresponsible! If I raise the debt ceiling, that would send the wrong message!"

"What?" you ask. "That you pay your debts?"

"Exactly!" I reply. "That is, it would encourage the spendthrift wastrels who borrow too many bananas!'

"Um, that would be you," you say.

"Correct!" I reply. "Now, you understand why I can't give you back your bananas."

That's about it.

January 7, 2013 - Some of the more "progressive" humans are agitating to have a human named Paul Krugman nominated for Secretary of the Treasury. This would be instead of the standard-issue Wall Street shill. Ah, well. I signed their petition, not telling them that I was a bonobo, but don't expect anything to come of it. h Krugman will be Secretary of the Treasury when hell becomes a coveted vacation destination, and for the same reason. Same ownership.

January 1, 2013 - Happy New Year. It has to be better. Right?