Bonobo Diary

December 14, 2009 - Take it as read that Homo moronis is a doomed species. So I was going to let the Copenhagen fiasco pass without comment. It's just too commonplace to remark that Homo moronis is like the guy standing in the middle of the railroad tracks who, having heard repeated warning blasts from the oncoming train, can't bring himself to get out of the way because there's a quarter wedged under a rail, and he's not leaving until he pries it out. So we know they're committing species suicide and taking most of the rest of us with them. Shame, too, because many of the actual individuals are decent enough, and some of them have created amazing and wonderful things, all of which will be gone in a hundred years. So, as I said, I was going to let that sham pass. (It's a sham and a shame.)

Then along came the h. Tiger Woods brouhaha. So, I figured, here's another example of the human habit of self-immolation. For those of you living in the deep Congo, the human Woods is a professional golfer who has been accused, tried, and convicted by the International Scold Machine of having excessive and unlicensed sex. I know this is incomprehensible to a bonobo, but remember: humans. h. Woods is responsible, but stingily uncredited, with making the colossally boring game of golf interesting. A little. With his summary conviction by the ISM, golf now returns to its former status of being a bunch of guys in checkered pants hitting tiny balls with funny-shaped sticks and then walking after the little balls in order to do it again. I hope everyone who used to make money off golf appreciates how they have, ironically, been screwed by the ISM.

I was still going to let that pass, though, until I heard that Accenture had become the first corporation to "cut ties" with h. Woods due to his unlicensed sex. Accenture is a world-class tax cheat. They suck up millions of dollars in government contracts, but keep their corporate headquarters in Bermuda to evade taxation. But as a corporation, they are unable to engage in sex, so that's all right, then. However, if you allow for figurative sex, Accenture has screwed so many people, they make Tiger Woods look like Mother Teresa.

July 5, 2009 - Depression is a sane being's reaction to reality. Nature provides a variety of defenses for this. For most creatures, the defense is an intelligence insufficient to understand the magnitude of the horror. For humans, the defense is elegant in its simplicity. They are insane.

May 28, 2009 - Long time, alas, O my kindred! I must tell you something important about humans. I have already discussed the Prime Postulate at some length. Now, I want to tell you about the bedrock of human personality, the thing that makes it so easy for humans to believe in the Prime Postulate. This is it: Humans are delusional. There are a few exceptions, and those originally led me to believe that this was not written in the DNA. But I was wrong. "But wait!" you may say. "Humans consider being delusional a mental disorder!" Yes, they claim to. When a human says that another human is delusional, what he means is that the other human is delusional in a different way, a way that the first human doesn't approve of. Or the guy may be just so far off his nut that even your standard-issue fruitcakes can't miss it. But it is the nondelusional humans that are singled out for particular abuse. They are considered dangerous lunatics and are mocked unmercifully by the normal humans, for fear that they may accidentally get a glimpse of reality.

Here is an example of a nondelusional human. His name was Thomas Malthus. h Thomas Malthus said that if humans keep on breeding like maggots, the earth will eventually not be able to support them all. It will not be able to produce enough food. "Aha," cried the other humans. "We can make better fertilizer! We can breed more productive grains! Malthus is an idiot!" And they did all of that, and they continued to breed like maggots, and however much more food they were able to grow, there were always more mouths to eat it. Humans are again staring starvation in the face. What do they say about that? They say, "Aha! We can genetically engineer grains! Malthus is an idiot!" And they continue to breed like maggots, an odd fact for a species that hates sex so much. Population will overwhelm food production in a very few years. Does anyone say that humans should stop breeding like maggots? Of course not. Why? They're delusional. Didn't I tell you? The only solution they see is to pull another clever trick out of the hat to increase food production. This is very unlikely to happen, but even if it did, it would only delay the inevitable for a few more years. But no matter. Population explosions have a way of healing themselves, especially with all the help the humans have provided: wars, mass starvation, catastrophic climate change, all monuments to human delusion. No worries. All will be taken care of.

February 16, 2009 - Greetings, O Brethren and Sistren! A human named Madoff made off with millions of other people's money. For this offense, he is under "house arrest," supposedly meaning that he is confined to his house or (in this case) apartment. I think it means the house is under arrest. Some humans are outraged that h Madoff isn't in jail, at the very least. These humans do not understand their own justice system. In fact, the h Madoff situation is the last piece that makes the puzzle whole. This is how it works:

1. If you have done nothing at all, but perhaps suffer from a personality disorder, such as dark skin, you get gunned down in the street.

2. If you're poor and take drugs, you go to prison for a very long time.

3. If you're poor and commit robbery or assault, you will go to prison for a shorter time.

4. If you're rich and well-connected and steal millions, you get house arrest.

5. If you steal billions and billions and commit mass murder and high treason, you get a pension and Secret Service protection.

It's all very proportional.

Oh, yes. More news on the Israeli front, and I do mean front. In the latest election between the More War Party and the Lots More War Party, Lots More won. The world has a lot of excitement to look forward to with dread.