Evolutionary Dead Ends:  The Arborial Human
copyright © 2014 by Robert L. Blau

The meeting convened in the old baobab.  The branches were heavy with humans, among them Ook, Eek, Aak, and Eddie.  Ook flicked a glowing butt to the forest floor and lit up another ciggy.  "So what's this all about?" he growled.

"Beats me," shrugged Eek the smokeweed mogul, "but I can get you a discount on your smokeweed, if you buy by the carton."

"Now, that's right simian of you," said Ook appreciatively, sending another flaming fag end over the side.

"Actually," said Aak, "it was me that called this meeting.  And it's about the forest fires."

"What forest fires?" glowered Ook defensively, but many of the others were nodding knowing heads.

"I'm talking about the precipitous rise in the number of forest fires over the last several years," continued Aak.

"I've noticed that," observed Eddie. "I guess it's a cycle, or something."

"Yes!" said Eek eagerly. "A cycle! That would be the ticket!"

"I'm afraid not," said Aak. "You see, I've been making a study of this, and the up-tick in conflagrations coincides with the discovery and rising popularity of smokeweed."

"Study, my bottom, young Aak!" snapped Eek. "I've got a dozen studies that say the opposite!  Or will, as soon as I can get my people working on it."

"We should stop smoking that stuff," continued Aak, undeterred. "But at the very least, we need to extinguish our smoking materials before throwing them away."

"Poppycock!" snorted Ook, tossing another steaming ciggy earthward. "You can't prove nothin', see?  Cause nothin's happening!  And if it is, it's because of lightning!  Or cycles!  Yeah, one o' them!"

"Plus, you all work for me," add Eek, "harvesting and wrapping and packaging smokeweed.  So it can't be smokeweed, right?"

There were widespread murmurs of agreement.

"Can't be bad if I'm getting paid for it."

"Gotta consider the economy."

"Needs lots more study ..."

"Listen to yourselves!" pleaded Aak. "There are lots of ways to make a living.  We're talking about the freakin' forest burning down!  You're job at the smokeweed plant isn't going to mean squat when that happens.  When you throw burning vegetable matter on other dry vegetable matter, you are going to get fires.  You know this is true."

"Besides, I like smokeweed!" added Ook, flipping some more fire into the void. "Nothing that I like that much can possibly be bad."

More approving murmurs.

"That's true."

"It's too hard to give it up."

"Whose going to grind out every butt?  That takes too much effort."

"Say, what happened to young Aak?" asked Eek.

"Grabbed his mate and took off running across the ground," replied Eddie. "And get this: on their hind legs, no less."

"Hmph," scoffed Ook, dropping some more smoldering smokeweed. "Won't last 10 minutes down there."

"Say," said Eddie, "do you smell something burning?"