Alice should have known better than to take the shortcut between the old post office and the drainage ditch in such a driving rain.  But it was the rain itself, of course, that prompted her to make that rash and fateful decision.  The drainage ditch was usually bone dry, but in that downpour, it had become a roiling, rushing torrent.  The path was weedy and overgrown.  Worst of all, it got muddy and slick in the rain.
    Nevertheless, all might have been well had it not been for the rat.  It was about the size of a full-grown St. Bernard and so white that Alice momentarily mistook it for, well, maybe a polar bear cub.  Oh, did I mention the vest?  It was wearing a vest with a watchpocket, and in the watchpocket was a gold watch, which the rat periodically pulled out to consult for no apparent reason.  All of this was bad enough, but Alice was till maintaining a solid foothold on the bank, not to mention reality, when the white rat looked in her direction and winked.  The next thing she knew, she was sliding down the bank, feet flailing in the air.  Then the powerful current was carrying her into a large, dark drainpipe.  The enormous white rat was paddling placidly beside her.
    "Don't struggle so hard," suggested the rat.  "You'll be fine if you just go with the current."
    "What are you?" spluttered Alice, desperately grasping for explanations.  "An enchanted prince?"
    "No.  I'm a rat," said the rat.  "But you may kiss me, if you like."  And with that, he puckered up his snout.
    "Eeewww gross!" said Alice.
    "I didn't think so," said the rat.  "But allow me to introduce myself, since it appears that we'll be travelling together for a while.  I'm the Hygienic Ralph."
    Alice was somewhat relieved.  If she had to keep company with a rat, it was reassuring to know that it was a clean one.  "I'm Alice," she said.
    "What Alice?" asked the Hygienic Ralph.
    "What do you mean, 'What Alice?'" asked Alice.
    "Your honorific," explained the Hygienic Ralph.  "Everyone has one."
    "Well, I don't," insisted Alice.  "It's just Alice."
    "Ah!  Just Alice!" said the rat with a look of understanding.  One forepaw glided silently down to cover his watchpocket.  "Glad to meet you, Just Alice."
    By this time, they had emerged from the pipe, and the current had abated sufficiently for them to clamber up on the bank of what now appeared to be a genuine river.
    "Well, good," said Alice.  "It has been a pleasure knowing you, Hygienic Ralph, but I have to be going home now."
    "Um, I'm afraid not," said the Hygienic Ralph apologetically.  "You're not in Texas anymore."
    Indeed, not a thing looked familiar.  "My goodness! How far have we come?  What is this place?  How am I going to get home?" Alice babbled.
    "Nothing to get excited about," soothed the Hygienic Ralph.  "We just passed through a little reality warp.  Happens all the time.  You are now in Never Wonder Land.  It's really a very nice place.  My home, you know.  But you may find things a bit ... different here.  Don't be surprised by anything you see."
    "Like over-sized talking rats with vests, you mean?"
    "For example," said the Hygienic Ralph with dignity.  "And above all, never wonder about anything."
    "But I have to get home," protested Alice.  "I'll bet I can do it by swimming back the way we came in."
    "The current's too strong," the Hygienic Ralph objected.  "You mustn't try to buck the current.  Why don't you let me show you around?  I have some contacts here.  Maybe one of them will know a way to send you home.  Or the current might turn around."
    Alice didn't relish the idea of diving back into the ... river?  So, she consented to tag along with the Hygienic Ralph and get to know this new and different place.

    The Hygienic Ralph took eagerly to the role of host and mentor.
    "I know someone who might be able to help you," he said.  "He's known as the Compassionate Newt, and he's responsible for all the people in Never Wonder Land who are down on their luck:  the unemployed, the homeless, and the like.  So, you ought to be right up his alley."
    "Oh, dear!" exclaimed Alice.  "I didn't think a magical place like this would have problems like that!"
    "Talking animals, we can do," said the Hygienic Ralph.  "For homelessness and unemployment, we haven't got a clue.  But here comes the Compassionate Newt now.  Compassionate Newt, this is the Just Alice."
    "Well, well," said the Compassionate Newt, quietly checking his wallet.  "You should be working at the Supreme Court, Just Alice."
    "Why, you're a turtle!"
    "And your point is ... ?" asked the Compassionate Newt.
    "Oh, never mind," said Alice.  "I just thought you would be, you know, a newt."
    "Ah, I can see that you're a newcomer," said the Compassionate Newt.  "But what is the purpose of this visit?  Are you here to bask in my wisdom?"
    "Uh, not exactly," hedged Alice.  "Ralph here says that your job is to take care of all the people who need help ..."
    "Indeed it is!" snapped the Compassionate Newt.  "And a sorrier lot of losers you could never hope to meet!"
    "I beg your pardon?" Alice was taken aback.
    "Yep!  Send 'em all packing, I do!  No one ever gave me a break.  I did it all on my own.  No handouts.  No special favors.  I made it on brains and ability.  I took responsibility for myself.  Not like people nowadays.  They're all looking for a free ride, for somebody else to solve their problems for them.  No personal responsibility. Well, it's high time we taught those slackers a lesson, I say.  Cut them off.  Sink or swim, I say.  Let them make it the way I made it."
    "And how was that, Sir?" asked Alice dutifully.
    "And don't think I don't know what it's like to have it tough.  No one had it tougher than I did.  I never knew my father.  My mother abandoned me at birth.  I had more brothers and sisters than you could count.  Most of them are dead now.  Food for the birds and the seals and the fish.  You know, we all looked the same out there on that beach.  So, how come I survived when hundreds perished?"
    "Blind luck?" ventured Alice.
    "No!" thundered the Compassionate Newt.  "Initiative!  Drive!  Personal responsibility!"
    Alice turned to the Hygienic Ralph.  "He doesn't seem very compassionate," she said.  "I wonder how he got his job?"
    "Uh, uh, uh!" said the Hygienic Ralph.  "Never wonder!  Remember?"

    "Ok, so that lead didn't work out," admitted the Hygienic Ralph.  "But come on!  I have something to show you.  All that talk about homelessness and unemployment may have given you the wrong idea.  Never Wonder Land is an economic powerhouse.  We have a skilled, dedicated workforce that produces all kinds of useful products.  This is a honey company.  Let me show you around."
    "Ouch!  Ouch!  Ouch!  Ouch!"
    The screams of pain were omnipresent and deafening.
    "Good heavens!" exclaimed Alice.  "What is all the screaming about?"
    "Those are the Honey Production Specialists," explained the Hygienic Ralph.
    "Uh, why are they screaming?"
    The Hygienic Ralph looked puzzled.  "Why, they're producing honey, of course," he said.
    "How?"
    "By squeezing the bees, of course."
    "Um, I don't think you can actually get any honey that way," Alice suggested tactfully.
    "But you have to do it that way," said the Hygienic Ralph patiently.  "That's how it's always been done."
    "But those poor people!" Alice objected.  "What an awful way to make a living, even assuming they might accidentally stumble across a little honey.  Why do they even do it?"
    "The pay and benefits are good," said the Hygienic Ralph.  "Then there's the prestige of working for such a great company.  And, oh, yeah.  If they lose their jobs, they have to deal with the Compassionate Newt."
    "You say the benefits are good.  So, at least, the hours are good, huh?  Then they wouldn't have to get stung for more than 8 hours a day."
    "Oh, no!  They have to work lots of overtime to meet production goals."
    "Hmm.  Can't imagine why.  What kind of benefits do they get?" asked Alice.
    "When they get cancer, the insurance pays for the funeral," the Hygienic Ralph assured her.
    "'When?'"
    "Oh, yes.  Everybody who works here gets cancer."

    "My, how lovely!" said Alice, pointing at a brightly-plumed little bird that had just alighted on a nearby branch.  "We don't have anything like it back in Texas.  What do you call it?"
    Scarcely were the words out of her mouth, than the stillness was shattered by an indeterminate number of loud booms.  The little bird disappeared in a puff of buckshot and feathers.
    "Toast," replied the Hygienic Ralph as several hunters converged on the point once occupied by the little bird.
    "Why did you kill that beautiful creature?" asked Alice, aghast.
    The gunmen all spoke at once.
    "It was on my land!"
    "The feathers are valuable!"
    "It's hunting season!"
    "For my trophy case!"
    "Its ground-up beak is a powerful aphrodisiac!"
    "Testing my new AK-47!"
    The babble subsided as the hunters realized that not a single identifiable bird molecule could be found.  Slowly, they wandered off, reloading and talking affectionately to their weapons.
    "Well, I'm sorry for that poor little bird," said Alice, "but I sure would like to see another one like it.  Can you show me one, Hygienic Ralph?"
    "I'm afraid not," said the rat apologetically.  "They used to be as common as house flies, but that was the first one I've seen in years.  Come to think of it, even house flies aren't as common as house flies anymore."
    "Don't you wonder why?" asked Alice.
    "Never," said Ralph.
    "Well, doesn't anyone protect your precious wildlife around here?"
    "Oh, of course," said the Hygienic Ralph reassuringly.  "In fact, here comes the Environmentally-Sensitive Barry now."
    The Environmentally-Sensitive Barry was an eight-point buck carrying a shotgun and a huge sack.
    "Mr. Barry!" blurted Alice.  "I think you ought to know that some hunters just shot a rare and beautiful bird!"
    "That's 'Environmentally-Sensitive Barry,'" corrected the Environmentally-Sensitive Barry.  "And just who are you, young lady?"
    "Please pardon her breach of manners," interjected the Hygienic Ralph.  "She's new here.  This is the Just Alice, Sir."
    "Ah, the Just Alice," said the Environmentally-Sensitive Barry, peering carefully into his sack.  "Charmed.  Now, what was the problem?"
    "At least, you will know what it's like to be hunted," said Alice.
    "I will?"  The Environmentally-Sensitive Barry looked puzzled.
    "Don't they hunt deer here?"
    "Certainly," said the Environmentally-Sensitive Barry.  "But it's those other deer."
    "Oh, never mind.  Some mean hunters just blasted a beautiful little bird for a raft of silly reasons, and for no reason at all.  And I'll bet that bird belongs to an endangered species, too!"
    "Endange-what?" asked the Environmentally-Sensitive Barry.  "Never mind.  Did you bring something for my sack?"
    "For your sack?"  Alice was puzzled.
    "Oh, yes.  Campaign contributions for our governor, the Honorable Dick.  Oh, excuse me a moment."  And the Environmentally-Sensitive Barry leveled his shotgun and demolished a small furry creature that had had the impertinence to scamper into sight.
    "Oh, dear!" said Alice.  "I don't have a thing for your sack."
    The Environmentally-Sensitive Barry shrugged his shoulders.  "Too bad.  We serve those who pay.  That's my motto."
    At that point, an obese hog drove up in a tank truck.  He waddled down from the cab, emptied a satchel full of money into the Environmentally-Sensitive Barry's sack, and clambered back up to the truck's cab.  All of this transpired without a word.  The hog then drove to the river a few hundred yards away and proceeded  to empty the contents of the tanker in plain sight.  Fish started flying out of the water, belly up.  Even at that distance, Alice's eyes smarted.
    "What on earth ... ?" she began.
    "There you go wondering again," admonished the Hygienic Ralph.  "Now, how do you feel about swimming home?  By the way, that was the Socially-Responsible George.  He owns the biggest chemical company in Never Wonder Land."
    "And a fine citizen he is," added the Environmentally-Sensitive Barry.  "Never misses a payment."

    Alice and Ralph continued their stroll through Never Wonder Land.
    "Uh-oh!" said the Hygienic Ralph.  "We've stumbled into the domain of the Evil Fairies."
    "Evil Fairies!" exclaimed Alice.  "How awful!  What do they do?"
    "Well, I guess you can see for yourself," sighed the Hygienic Ralph.  "There they are.  That one there is known as the Cruel Kris.  The other two are the Horrendous Holly and the Nefarious Neesha."
    Alice shuddered, but the fairies really didn't look that terrible.  As she was wondering forbiddenly about that, a large truck pulled up and dumped a load of squealing piglets.  The piglets rushed in all directions, knocking over everything in their path, bumping into each other, and making the biggest ruckus Alice had ever seen.  The Evil Fairies immediately took off after the piglets, picking up one, and sometimes two or three, in each arm.  Alice watched as the Horrendous Holly secured a brace of piglets, then began to rock them and coo to them.  To Alice's amazement, the piglets gradually turned into little boys and girls.  Before long, the entire horde of raucous piglets had been transformed.  Each Evil Fairy was smothered in children.  The last straggler toddled over and plumped down in the Nefarious Neesha's lap.
    "That was amazing!" gasped Alice.
    "Why?  What happened to all the little pigs?" asked the Hygienic Ralph.
    "They all turned into children!" said Alice.
    "I rather thought they would," said the Hygienic Ralph.
    "Well, I have to meet those ladies," said Alice.  "They don't look evil at all to me!"
    "Oh, don't they?" asked the Hygienic Ralph without much interest.
    "Yoo-hoo!"  Alice hailed the Cruel Kris, who seemed to be the senior fairy.  "I'm Alice.  I was just watching what you did."
    "What Alice?" asked the fairy.
    "The Just Alice," interjected the Hygienic Ralph helpfully.
    "Oh, well.  We haven't much to steal here, anyway," said the Cruel Kris.  "What can I do for you, Just Alice?"
    "Why do they call you 'Evil Fairies?'" asked Alice.
    "Ah, you aren't from around here, are you?" A light seemed to go on for the Cruel Kris.  "And 'just' probably doesn't apply to you the way it would to a citizen of Never Wonder Land, either."
    "Thank you," said Alice.  "I don't understand all this honorific stuff.  None of the honorifics seem accurate.  No offense, Ralph."
    "That's true," said the Cruel Kris.  "The honorific is always the exact opposite of the person's character.  All of our politicians are called 'honorable,' for example.  Everyone here understands that.  You're lucky if you come from a place where things are called by their true names."
    "So, what is it that you do here?" asked Alice.
    "Someone has to look after the children," said the Cruel Kris.  "So many of them are so badly neglected and abused that they turn into little piglets.  Then they get dumped here.  We take care of them."
    "So, you actually do something kind and useful and sensible.  What a novel concept for this ... place.  How do you manage it?"
    "The only way one can manage to do anything, of course," said the Cruel Kris.  "By wondering and by bucking the current."
    "But that's forbidden here!" protested Alice.
    "Precisely.  We must do the forbidden if we want to accomplish anything good.  But you must come from a very different world, where doing what is right is not so difficult, where people take care of each other and their world, where people are not motivated principally by greed."
    Alice was thoughtful for a moment.  "Can you use another evil fairy?" she asked.