copyright © 2019
by Robert L. Blau
Mr. Phineas T. Pibble, 87, was shot to death by police while
feeding pigeons in Northwest Park today. It was the 247th
police-involved fatal shooting of an unarmed old white man in the last
three days.
"As officers approached, the suspect rose from his park bench and
made an aggressive move with his cane," explained Sgt. Rocky O'Grady.
"We thought it was an assault rifle."
Mr. Pibble was tackled, beaten, strangled, and shot 342 times.
"Resisting arrest," said Sgt. O'Grady.
Said Ms. Sheila Johnson, who made the original 911 call, "He was creepy
and suspicious-looking. And he was wearing one-a-them red
baseball caps."
Neighbor Roland Smithers agreed. "We've been seeing a bad red-cap
infestation lately. None-a-them cappies is ever up to no good.
Can't be too careful, with all them mass shootings lately.
It's always an old white dude who does it. 'Cept when it's
a young white dude."
The shooting ignited massive AARP-led protest demonstrations.
No charges are expected to be filed.