Evolutionary Dead Ends:  The Vulcan Ostrich
copyright © 2023 by Robert L. Blau

The Vulcan Ostrich flourished(?) in the calderas of active volcanoes around the Rim of Fire for a geologic second.  History records the visitations of Three Vulcanologists who attempted to enlighten the species about their precarious existence ...

I.  The Vulcanologist of Now Would Be a Good Time to Skedaddle.

"Hello.  I'm a vulcanologist, and ..."

"Yeah, what's it to me?" said the Vulcan Ostrich, extricating its head from the pile of volcanic ash.

"Well, a vulcanologist," said the vulcanologist, "is a scientist who studies volcanoes."

"So what?"  The Vulcan Ostrich glares at the vulcanologist and makes threatening beak motions.

"Um, you do know that you are living in the caldera of a live volcano, don't you?"

"Yeah, so?"

"Well, that is not actually a very tenable position," said the vulcanologist.  "Um, survival-wise.  Now might be a good time for y'all to skedaddle to some safer location."

"What are ya, woke?" snapped the Vulcan Ostrich. "Everything's fine."

"I'm afraid that is not the reality," the vulcanologist persisted.  "This thing is quiescent now, but it could blow at any time."

"Look," scowled the Vulcan Ostrich, "reality is what I think it is. I know where you live.  And I know some people who don't like woke. Capiche?"

"Well, all right then."

Exit Vulcanologist I.

II.  The Vulcanologist of Not Too Late Yet.

"Hello.  I'm a vulcanologist.  That's a scientist who studies volcanoes, of which this thing we are standing on is one."

"Yeah, so what?"  The Vulcan Ostrich sights the
vulcanologist down his beak, which, due to the hook, only succeeds in crossing the Ostrich's eyes.

"I'm here to tell y'all that you need to get off this mountain post haste. Our instruments have detected ominous rumblings in the deep, indicating that an eruption is imminent."

"We don't need yer deep-state lies up here," replied the Vulcan Ostrich. "Everything's fine.  And I've posted the addresses of your wife's place of work and your children's school on the Internet. Just saying."

Exit
Vulcanologist II.

III.  The V
ulcanologist of Katie Bar the Door.

"Hello.  I'm a
vulcanologist, and ..."

"Yeah, yeah," sneers the Vulcan Ostrich, inserting its head into the volcanic ash. "We know your type."

"You need to get off this rock immediately!  It's about to blow!  Now!"

Exit
Vulcanologist III.

"Yeah, says you, you lyin' deep state hack ..."

Under the blackened sky, the rain of ash and feathers continued for days ...

Real meteorologists get real death threats for discussing climate change