Sniff Masks

God gave us pecksniffs. God only knows why. But it is crystal clear that He intended for us to wear sniff masks to cover the filthy things up.

Pecksniffs, or "sniffs," as the vulgar call them, are the horrible, fleshy appendages that protrude from our noses. Some are long, some are short. Some are thin, some are thick. Some are hairy, some ... not so much. Usually, there's just one, protruding from the right nostril. Some people have a left pecksniff instead. They are called "portsiders," possibly after some ancient sports slang. A few cursed devils have two pecksniffs, one from each nostril. These are of particular prurient interest to our small but persistent population of pecksniff perverts.

Hence the sniff masks, which have been mandated by the wise since time immemorial. Indeed, failure to wear a sniff mask is a violation of the law that will land its perpetrator in the slammer with a charge of indecent exposure. No decent, right-thinking individual has ever had any issue with this article of common decency.

Recently, however, there has been a disturbing trend among the slutty and cheap to flaunt their pecksniffs under racy sniff masks. The most common type is the low-cut sniff mask that droops below the tip of the nose to reveal a soupcon of pecksniff, just where it leaves the nostril. Some are diaphanous, showing too much of an outline (called "silhouette sniff"). Other sniff masks are too short, giving a view of the tip of the pecksniff (called "tip sniff"). Others are insufficiently wide ("side sniff"). I stress that these perversions have manifested only during these dark, degenerate times.

And what worries me is these dark, degenerate time. Why, even my own dear niece Hortense seems to have been infected.

"Auntie V," she says, "sniffs are an evolutionary adaptation."

"Language, Hortense!" I reply severely. "I don't know which is more obscene, the S word or 'evo ...' whatever."

"They date back to the days after the Plague," she continues, as if she hadn't heard my just reproof. "During the Plague, they used to test for infection by ramming a stick up your nose. That was so annoying, that our species apparently responded, over time, by growing these pecksniffs. We learned that in biology."

"I don't know what they're teaching young people in school these days!" I sigh. I thought we'd gotten that science stuff banned years ago. Note to self: Complain to authorities about bio ... whatever.

"And Mr. Barnard in history says we started wearing masks to protect against the Plague, not to hide our sniffs."

"What nonsense, child!" I snap gently. "Why are they teaching you history?" Note to self: Complain to authorities about history.

"And a lot of people wouldn't wear masks because they said it violated their freedom and made their noses itchy. But now, we have to wear masks to hide our sniffs. Does that make any sense?"

"Of course, wearing a mask to protect public health is a violation of personal freedom, but wearing one to defend public morals is a divine imperative. Any decent, God-fearing patriot knows that," I instruct her lovingly.

"Well, it doesn't seem logical to me, Auntie V," says Hortense, rather pissily, I think. "Some friends and I are thinking about doing a maskless protest at school tomorrow."

"Hor!" I reply with gentle reproval. "Your Auntie Venom will never stand for that!" Note to self: Get that logic stuff banned.

I do wonder why they call them "pecksniffs?"