Santa won't be coming this year. Santa's Legal Helpers
advised him that gathering the Naughty and Nice statistics puts him in
violation of several local anti-stalking laws. There are also some disquieting
issues concerning breaking and entering. From a more personal perspective,
Santa is tired of trying to jimmy all those home alarm systems, and one
of Santa's rosy cheeks is
still sore from where he was one step slower than the Rottweiler. In
any case, Santa had to sell the sleigh and reindeer at auction to stave
off some creditors in connection with that nasty Chapter 11 business. Here's
hoping Rudolph and the guys are enjoying their new home in Saudi Arabia.
But this is a happy letter, not a sad one. Santa's
Financial Helpers have shown him how restructuring can give him a leaner,
meaner organization and improve his posture vis-a-vis the market. So Santa
has laid off all the elves and moved his operations to Myanmar and Pakistan.
The sale of shares in Santa, Inc. is scheduled for the spring to coincide
with the release of our new
product line. Santa has decided to specialize in video games, since
a market survey revealed that that is where the big bucks are. One of Santa's
favorites is "Kung Fu Elf," featuring yours truly. We think it will
be a big seller.
If you are worried that you won't be seeing Santa
anymore, don't! Santa is negotiating with several reputable businesses
to be Santa's exclusive Christmas representatives. There will be Santa's
official Christmas fast food restaurant, Santa's official Christmas toy
store, Santa's official Christmas grocery store, Santa's official Christmas
wristwatch, and many, many more. Santa will be appearing all over your
television screen in hundreds of annoying commercials. And if anyone else
attempts to use the registered name Santa Claus in advertising or any other
connection, Santa's Legal Helpers will sue their pants off.
In keeping with the new leaner, meaner image, Santa
will be departing tomorrow for a month or two on a fat farm. The red suit
and beard are out, too. When you next see Santa, he will be wearing a business
suit and elegantly coiffed hair. Without the beard, Santa's friends say
he looks a bit like Bill Gates.
So even though Santa won't be coming around anymore,
he looks forward to being a big part of your life for years to come. Have
a very merry Christmas. And, if I may say so, ho, ho, ho!