Poison Pork

"Are you the head cafeteria lady at Poppins Elementary?"

"Chief Chef," I replied. "It's a highly prestigious and responsible position."

"Uh, yes, ma'am." The voice on the phone paused for a moment, reeling from my stinging rebuke. "Um, whatever. This is Mr. Jones from Poison Control. We have just learned that your latest shipment of pork is laced with cyanide. So please just hold onto it until we can send some agents over to pick it up and dispose of it properly. And, I hardly need to add, under no circumstances allow any child near any of it. Thank you."

"I'm afraid that won't be possible," I replied calmly.

"I ... beg your pardon?" The man was evidently hard of hearing.

"Pork for lunch today," I explained. "The menu is already set."

"No, no!" he spluttered. "Didn't you hear what I said? The pork has been poisoned! You have to serve something else. Surely, you have something else."

I overlooked his calling me Shirley. "All we have is pork and chicken," I said.

"Well, there you are, then," he said, sounding relieved. "Just serve the chicken."

"No way in hell," I replied. "Chicken is very bad for growing children."

"Er, no it isn't," he squawked, much like a chicken.

"Who's the Chief Chef here?" I rejoined.

"Um, you are," he said, not sounding convinced. "Um, sure, sure. Maybe chicken isn't the best food ..." He sounded, for some reason, like he was addressing a child, a half-wit, a dangerous lunatic, or perhaps all three.

"But it has to be better than highly lethal poison," he continued.

"No chicken," I said.

"Ok ok ok," he said rapidly. "No chicken. So you just serve vegetables and fruit and ... nuts, maybe. I hate to see the tykes go without meat, but no protein for one meal won't kill them, while ..."

"Pork!" I insisted.

"... will," he concluded. "Say, you aren't the lady who owns an interest in that big pig farm, are you?"

My financial investments were no concern of his. "They're getting pork today," I said doggedly.

"Don't you understand?" he whined. "The pork is poisoned. If the kids eat it, they will die. What's wrong with a little chicken for once?"

"Don't you understand?" I replied righteously. "If they eat chicken, they might like it better than pork! I'll see them dead before that! Who do you think I work for, anyway?"