Once Upon a Midnight Dreary

It seems that I have acquired Edgar Allan Poe's Raven. After it was done with him, I suppose.

It started in the usual way, ... "once upon a midnight dreary," and all that. I'm minding my own business and trying to get a decent night's sleep, when in stalks this funereal-looking bird and plunks itself down on my dining room table.

"Shoo!" I cried. "Get out of here, you ... foul fiend! Or is it 'foul fowl?' Har, har!"

"Very funny," drawled the bird.

"Oh, well," sighed I. "On the morrow he will leave me, as my jobs have flown before."

Then the bird said, "I want you to send me an email with 5 things you accomplished last week. Approx 5. Bulleted. Extra credit for real bullets. Hee, hee. Ten p.m. tomorrow, on my perch, or I'll peck your heart out."

"Wha-a-at the heck?!" I gasped. "Who, er, what are you?"

"I am RAGE," said the Raven. "That's 'Raven After Government Efficiency.' And I am ravin' after government efficiency. And you are a federal employee, which is the same thing as a useless sack of excrement. Awful offal, you might say."

"By what right ...," I stammered.

"Oh, that would be the President of the United States," said the Raven smugly. "And I'm gonna need another email with approx 5 bullets every week for the rest of your life or until you abase yourself before me."

"Look," I reasoned, "this is a huge, stupid waste of time. If you're really after government efficiency, this exercise is just counterproductive."

"Oh, no!" replied the Raven. "You misunderstand. I'm just effin' with you. We don't really want efficiency. We want mayhem. We don't want you to be productive. We want you dead."

"You'll never get away with this!" I cried. "You can't jerk people around like that! This is a democracy!"

Quoth the Raven, "Not anymore!"