Nutria News

Local news media reported that the mysterious swimmer spotted in a local lake was a nutria and that nutrias are "not necessarily good neighbors" because they eat crops and undermine roads and levees.

Some of our readers have reported seeing strange creatures in the vicinity of Lady Bird Lake and have asked us to identify the objects of their sightings. They have been described as large, ungainly, ugly, and foul-smelling. What can these creatures be? you ask. Do we have a nest of local Nessies? Are we in the midst of a Bigfoot event? Could it be an alien invasion?

Well, we are pleased to report that we have positively identified the mysterious interlopers, and they are nothing as exotic as the outpourings of our imaginations suggested above. On the other hand, they are cause for some measure of sober concern. The mystery creatures are called humans, and they are not necessarily good neighbors.

How are humans bad neighbors? you may ask. They burn fossil fuels, making the planet heat up and ruining the climate for all the other species. (We presume they have some sort of immunity to that themselves, because why would they commit mass suicide, right?) They choke the oceans with plastic waste that last forever. They create nuclear waste that also lasts forever, or as close as makes no difference. They pollute the air and water with all kinds of chemicals are murder on other species. (Again, must not harm them, right?) They have endless wars that kill off scads of individuals of other species. (And must damage themselves at least a little, no?)

And they kill us and don't even know what we are. They call us "rats" or "beavers." And complain that we're bad neighbors because we eat some of their veggies and do a little digging.