Managing an Infestation

How they became so ubiquitous, I may never know. Suffice to say, they did. And now I can scarcely take a step without squishing a clot or two of them. So I decided it was time to consult the professionals.

"'Roaches R Us,'" answered the perky voice on the phone. "How can we help you stamp out your problem?"

"Well, maybe that's the solution right there," I replied. "I have an awful roach infestation."

"Aren't they all?" Perky Voice commiserated. "First, allow me to ask you if there are any particularly feisty operators among your varmints."

"Well," I mused, "There are a couple, I suppose. There's one that hangs around the front door and runs up the legs of anyone who tries to come in. I call that one Kirstjen. Then there's another one that drags garbage all over the house. Scott, I call it. Is that important?"

"Is it!" gasped Perky Voice. "I should say so! Those are ring-leaders. They must go at once!"

"But aren't all roaches pretty much the same?" I quibbled.

"Goodness, no!" insisted Perky Voice. "Squish those bad players immediately!"

"And that will help?" I asked rhetorically. "Ok, I'll do that."

So I squished the two roaches. Or some two roaches, anyway. I can't really tell them apart. In any case, for each roach I squished, two dozen more appeared the next day, each looking exactly like its deceased predecessor of blessed memory.

So I called Roaches R Us back and related my progress. Or lack thereof.

"Tsk, tsk," said Perky Voice sympathetically. "Too bad. So let me ask you this: Do they get into everything and eat everything they can get their disgusting little mandibles on?"

"Well, yeah, their roaches."

"You must demand in no uncertain terms that they stop that," said Perky Voice.

"Um, I don't think that will do any good," I objected.

"Who's the expert here?" asked Perky Voice sternly. "You are the homeowner! Demand it!"

So I demanded that the roaches stop getting into my things and eating my food. I shouted it, put it in writing, and posted it to Facebook and Twitter. I waited a couple of weeks. There was no improvement.

"It's not working," I complained to Perky Voice.

"Hmm, you must not have said it forcefully enough," he said accusingly. "So let me ask you this: Do they make a mess around your house?"

"Well, of course they do," I replied. "As I've said, roaches."

"Insist that they cease and desist," said Perky Voice.

"I don't think ...," I began, but I felt the disapproval pouring from the receiver.

So I tried again. I tried talking to each roach individually. I tried logic, cajolery, and threats.

Two weeks later, I called Roaches R Us again.

"No luck," I said.

"Dear, dear," said Perky Voice. I could sense his head shaking. "Then there's nothing for it but this: You must order the roaches out of your house. Be firm!"

"I ..." What the heck. I tried it. I ordered. I begged. I pleaded. I offered out-of-house incentives.

I am up to my ears in roaches. I wonder if Roaches R Us really R Roaches.

I know one thing. Roaches are never going to respond to anything but a thorough house-cleaning. Squishing this one or that one is pointless. Expecting them to be rational is insane. They're roaches. That's what they are.