Judicial Riot

We are at the United States Supreme Court building to hear Chief Justice Force Hale unveil the long-awaited reforms for that august body. And the Chief Justice is approaching the podium ...

"My fellow Americans ... and others who may be listening, I am Chief Justice Force Hale, and I am here to tell you about the exciting reforms about to take place at your Supreme Court. I know there have been a lot of concerns about the moral character of this Court and about its direction for the future. I am here to put all those concerns to rest.

"First of all, we are formally changing the name of this, the highest court in the land, to better reflect our mission and the constituency we serve. From now on, we will be known as the Supreme Korporate Kristian Klavern of the United States. To avoid confusion and taxing the brain cells of so many of you, we have deliberately made the acronym very close to that of its predecessor. So, SKKKOTUS replaces SCOTUS. Hardly different, easy to remember. But we also suggest a catchy new nickname: Judicial Riot. It's hip. It's modern. But not woke. Doesn't it pop?

"Second, members of SKKKOTUS will no longer be called 'justices.' Instead, you will refer to us as 'Wizards.' We believe that this will more accurately describe the substance we dispense. And I, as first among Wizards, will be known as 'Imperial Wizard.' 'Imperial Wizard Force Hale' sounds more impressive, and not nearly as close to the truth.

"Third, the time has come for us to discard these depressing and outmoded black robes. Henceforward, we will wear bright, cheerful white linen robes, along with the solemn masked hood of office.

"Any questions?"

"Chief Justice! Chief ... er, Imperial Wizard! What about ethics reform? We, er, rather expected you to have something to say about that."

"Ah, Mr. ... whatever your name is from the socialist rag. What?"

"Well, sir, there have been grave allegations of ethics violations by SCO ... er, SKKKOTUS members ... unreported lavish gifts from parties with business before the Court ... er, Klavern, failure to recuse under circumstances calling for recusal ... that sort of thing. What are you going to do about that?"

"Mr. ... Whatsis, allow me to answer your question with a hypothetical situation. Suppose you have just lost a suit in a trial court, and you are unhappy with the outcome. What do you do?"

"Well, ... appeal to an appellate court, I suppose."

"Very good. And if your appeal is denied?"

"Why, appeal to the next higher court."

"Correct. And finally, ... what is your last resort?"

"Why, the Supreme Court .. er, Klavern. If they'll hear it."

"Exactly. And after that?"

"Well, nothing. That would be it."

"Precisely. The exact meaning of 'last resort.' That's us. All that 'ethics' stuff ends with us."

"Are you saying that you're above the law?"

"No, I'm saying we are the law. Any other questions?"

"Imperial Wizard! How are we supposed to pronounce 'SKKKOTUS?' Is it each K separately, like 'SK-K-KOTUS?'"

The Imperial Wizard smirks. "I think we can leave that up to you."

"Imperial Wizard! What's next? I mean, after destroying abortion access, affirmative action, voting rights, discrimination against minority protections, Environmental Protection Agency authority, and student loan forgiveness ... what's left?"

"Ah, Ms. Whoever of that girls' mag. So much more to do. I'll just give you one hint: I think it's timto go after interracial marriage. That should be an interesting vote."