The damlire is a loathsome creature from the dank crypts of time. It is similar to the vampire, with it shares a propensity to suck. Instead of blood, however, the damlire feeds on reality, from which it sucks the truth. When a damlire is done sucking, nothing remains but a soggy tissue of lies.

It should therefore be no surprise that damlires abound in politics. That is their natural habitat, the sea in which they swim. So it is our privilege and honor at BZZT Radio to have obtained an interview with the most prominent and powerful damlire in the world. That is ... the President of the United States.

BZZT: According to recent polls, you are a historically unpopular president. What do you plan to do to raise your numbers?

Damlire: Fake news, fake news! I am the most popular president in the history of history. Everyone loves me.

BZZT: Um, that does not appear to be the case, Sir. All of the polls indicate otherwise ...

Damlire: Fake news! I told you! You aren't fake news, too, are you? Hmm ...

BZZT: How do you know it's 'fake news,' Sir? There are so many polls, and not a single one seems to say anything different ...

Damlire: It's simple. They're critical of me. Real news tells only the Truth: that I am the greatest and most beloved president in the history of the universe, that I have no faults to be critical of. Only evil people are mean to me. Because they're jealous. They all hate me because everyone loves me.

BZZT: Sir, I'm confused. If everyone loves you, who are these 'haters'?

Damlire: Do I have to explain every little thing to you? All of the People love me. By 'People,' I mean the good people. The haters are the bad people. And I know you're going to ask me this: How can you tell the good people from the bad people? It's simple: the good people love me. The bad people hate me. Which one are you?

BZZT: I'm neither, Sir. I'm just an impartial journalist trying to do an interview.

Damlire: You have to be one or the other. I've got my eye on you. You know that saying mean things about the president is illegal, right? It's in the Constitution.

BZZT: I don't believe it is, Sir. In fact, I believe it is the exact opposite. Freedom of speech, you know? First Amendment?

Damlire: Nonononono! Free speech is for the People! That means the good people, remember? And they have nothing bad to say about me. So anything negative said about the president (that's me!) comes from the haters, and that's illegal! And I'm the president, so I get to interpret the Constitution!

BZZT: Um, I believe that would be the Supreme Court, Sir. Who interpret the Constitution, that is.

Damlire: Oh, no! It's not. Article 2! I appoint the Supreme Court, and they serve at my ... whim, I think the word is. Yeah, whim. I can replace them anytime I want to.

BZZT: I think 'pleasure' is the word you're looking for, and I'm sure that's not the way it works, ... Never mind. Let's move on. Recently, there were massive 'No Kings' protests that drew millions of participants throughout the country. Do you have any comment to make on those?

Damlire: You mean the 'Hate America' riots. It wasn't 'millions.' Fake news again. There were ... a few paid Antifa pro-Hamas rioters. Very violent. All bad people, of course. Anyway, not a king! The very idea! Before I was elected, the People suffered from the chaos and furor caused by the evil Antifa. And I told them, 'Don't you worry! I will take care of everything! I am you're furor! And I am!

BZZT: Sir, there has been a lot of talk about your running for a third term. This is expressly forbidden by the Constitution. What do you have to say about that?

Damlire: Well, I'm the president, so I could change the Constitution, if I wanted to. Article 2! But I never said I was going to run for another term. That's ridiculous. In fact, I told all my constituents! I told the whole country! I said, 'Come out and vote for me! It's the last time you'll have to do it!' I'm not running anymore. I'm past that! I'm just not going to leave! Why doesn't anyone believe what I say?