How I Wound Up in Hell

I may not have led an exemplary life, but I never did anything signally bad. So when that tunnel opened up, it was with some confidence that I went, as the common wisdom advises, for the light. Only, what I found there was not what I expected.

The beckoning light turned out to be a sort of gateway, and in it stood two figures. One had a halo. The other had horns. Beyond the haloed one and the horned one was an auditorium stuffed with milling souls, jockeying for available seating.

"Ah," smiled the haloed one beatifically. "You're just in time. Have a seat, have a seat!"

The horned one offered a friendly, if sulfurous, chuckle and motioned me toward a vacant pew.

"In time for what?" I stammered. "What's going on? I thought I was on my way to my eternal reward. Or whatever."

"Oh, yes, yes," replied the haloed one. "Just so. But there have been a few changes in procedure lately. All will be made clear."

"We've done away with the old, tedious naughty/nice balance sheets," explained the horned one. "Too cumbersome and labor-intensive."

"Also undemocratic," added the haloed one. "So we worked out a new contract between heaven and hell."

"Exactly," said the horned one. "Elections. First, we accumulate a critical mass of souls ... like this ..."

"Then we give our stump speeches," continued the haloed one.

"Then the souls vote," said horns.

"And majority rules," concluded halo. "You could call it an up or down vote."

"That's his favorite joke," said horns, confidentially.

"Let's begin," said halo, stepping to a podium before the assembled souls.

"Ahem," began halo. "In heaven, you will have eternal bliss and bask in the Divine Presence. There is no pain, suffering, or sorrow. Each soul is loved, nurtured, and respected. Vote heaven!"

Then horns took the podium. "In hell, everyone will look, think, and act exactly like you. Everyone is white, Christian, American, straight, and English-speaking. No Muslims, Jews, foreigners, feminazis, fags, trannies, or inferior races."

"That's the American version," winked horns, stepping down from the podium. "I switch the variables for other audiences. Bigotry works everywhere, but America is particularly rich."

So that's how I wound up in hell. But not alone.