copyright © 2023
by Robert L. Blau
They warned me. Not a good time to be President, they
said. Extremism on the Left! Extremism on the Right!
Extremism in the Center! Corruption in the Supreme Court!
Out-of-control social media! Trans-something-or-other!
Correct pronouns (WTF!)! Burgeoning cultural cum civil war!
But I thought I'd give it a whack.
And I found the solution.
Are you ready?
I banned English and made Mandarin
Chinese the official national language.
Sure, we had to cut out a few tongues to show seriousness.
And chop off a few texting thumbs. But just look at the
benefits!
The stupid pronouns were the first to go. No more he/she/it/they!
No, sir! With Mandarin, everyone is just "ta."
And no more crack-brained theories on the social media. Not until
a significant portion of the population get over that learning curve.
And good news bonus: the crackedest brains are gonna be the last
to manage that!
Ah, but we're not merely talking social media! All of the
sniping, trolling, and bickering has screeched to a halt! See,
this is where all the gurus and pundits and relationship experts get it
wrong: Free and open communication is not
the key to good relationships! You don't want to know what the other person
really thinks! That's
where all the trouble starts!
Now I just have to figure out what to do about all the actual Mandarin
speakers.