The Gentlemanly Art of War
copyright © 2024 by Robert L. Blau

What's with all the "genocide" and "war crimes" and "casualties" and what-not? Whatever happened to respectable war?

In the good old days, war was civilized.  It had rules.  There were two sides, and the combatants all wore recognizable uniforms and lined up in formations so you could see them.  And sometimes they even had their names sewed on the backs of their uniforms so you could pick out your favorites.  And they played ... er, fought on battlefields so noncombatants (sometimes known as "fans") could watch from bleachers or on TV and not get shot or blown up.

And there were time limits.  You couldn't just go on fighting for years without a resolution.  There had to be a winner and a loser. Of course, there was overtime, if you couldn't finish in regulation... Then the winner got to take some of the loser's stuff ... cities and things ... and got a boost in the Power Rankings.  But when it was over, you shook hands and had a beer together.  Nothing personal, wot?  Too bad about all the missing body parts, but no hard feelings, right? Just a manly exercise in diplomacy by other means.

Look, war is normal human behavior.  We love it.  If we didn't, we wouldn't do it so much.  We just need to make it more polite.  And all that takes is following a few simple rules.  C'mon.  Let's make war beautiful again.