copyright © 2023
by Robert L. Blau
It began with the Pach.
The Pach was ruled by the Trumpeter-in-Chief, whose authority
stemmed from his ability to fill the Swamp with eardrum-popping,
mind-numbing, meaning-free noise. Every Pachyderm kneeled to the
TIC. Almost every Pachyderm.
"I'm gonna drain this Swamp!"
blared the TIC. "I'm the only one who can! BLAT! BLAT!! BLAT!!!"
All the Pachyderms held their ears and bowed. Most of them.
"Er. 'Scuse me, sir," bleated one small Pachyderm timorously. "When are
you going to start draining
it? Only, it seems like there are more crocs every day since your
Lordship ascended to TIC. Just asking."
"Hush! Hush!" chided the other Pachyderms. "Never question the TIC!
He knows everything and is always right! Besides, if you piss him off,
he'll throw you under the ... some big thing with round rolly things!
That carries creatures from one place to another."
"Did I hear criticism?"
bellowed the TIC. I'm
sure I didn't, because
everyone knows I'm perfect and everyone loves me. RIGHT? BLAT!
BLAT!! BLAT!!!"
"Ow-ow-ow! Right!" chorused all the Pachyderms. "Absolutely
right!" Almost all of them.
"Hey!" roared the TIC. "What's with all those antelopes invading our
territory? Let's go stomp
'em!BLAT!
BLAT!! BLAT!!!"
"Aren't they just antelopes?" ventured the little Pachyderm. "Harmless
vegetarians looking for food?"
The TIC drilled the little Pachyderm with a thousand-watt stare.
"I've had just about enough out of you, fella! BLAT!
BLAT!! BLAT!!!"
All the Pach held their ample ears.
"You're not a real
Pachyderm!" continued the TIC. "Real
Pachyderms know how to keep their yaps shut, nevre criticize the
Trumper-in-Chief, and always do everything he says. Sure, you
have the requisite floppy ears, prehensile trunk, and magnificent
tusks, but ... you're only called
a Pachyderm. It's just a ... like, name. I'm sure there's a word
for that, maybe an acronym. Can't think of it right now.
Anyway, I hereby banish you from the Pach! Turn in your
ears, trunk, and tusks to the quartermaster on your way out. You
can have itty bitty ears and a little nose horn. Maybe two,
if you're good. But only made of hair! No bones! And
we'll call you a ... Rhino. Not sure why. It just sounds
right."
Over the years, other Pachyderms were banished from the Pach, and the
herd of Rhinos grew. To this day, no one can figure out what the
name means.