"Scrooge!  Scroo-oo-ooge!"
    Ebenezer awoke with a start, his skin crawling.  The voice had that unmistakable spectral quality he had come to know, if not to love.
    "Hey, Scrooge!  Up and at 'em!"
    This time it wasn't quite so creepy, but when the ghost took form before his eyes, Ebenezer's blood froze.  This was the most hideous specter of all, far more terrifying than the silent, mysterious Ghost of Christmas-Yet-to-Come.  Its fleshy body was draped in an expensive Brooks Brothers suit.  It had Great Hair, the kind that seems coated with teflon.  And it had the face of a Used Car Salesman!
    "What now, Spirit?"  Scrooge's voice quavered at the spirit's gruesome appearance, but he was more ticked than frightened.  "I've learned my lesson.  I have changed my ways.  I gave Cratchit a raise.  I made him a freakin' partner!  I'm taking care of his kid!  I'm giving wads to all the good charities!  I have learned how to keep Christmas!  What do you want from my life?"
    The spirit eyed him with amusement.
    "Bah!" it said.  "Humbug!"
    "No, no!"  Ebenezer insisted.  "I'm over that.  There's no need for sarcasm."
    "Who's being sarcastic?" asked the spirit.  "You've let those bleeding sheets from the other night wash your brain and hang it out to dry.  And a man of business like yourself!
    "But let me introduce myself and explain my mission here.  I am the Spirit of Congress Future.  You may call me 'Speaker.'  In the next century, this vibrant society that you now take for granted begins to disintegrate.  An evil cabal known as the Liberals seizes power.  Lazy, lay-abouts drain the public coffers. Taxes are raised to unspeakable levels by bleeding-heart
lawmakers to care for this human riffraff.  There is even something called a minimum wage that these no-good legislators keep raising until an honest businessman like you can scarcely make a 40% profit.  Crime is rampant.  There are no prisons!  There are no workhouses!  And there are no orphanages!  Well, not enough orphanages.  Ok, there are a few prisons, but you can never have enough of those.
    "But wait!  All is not lost!  A new breed of lawmakers arises to lead a revolution to overthrow the old, corrupt ways and bring a new era of prosperity.  The new breed is tough, brilliant, dedicated, and stylish.  Modesty prevents my dwelling on their virtues.
    "I have left out one critical element:  the new order is founded on your character and values.  You are our culture hero!  If you go soft on us, the entire revolution is at risk!  I mean, if someone says, 'That guy is a real Scrooge,' and he means a kindly old philanthropist, we're in big trouble.  So I have been sent to undo the evil work of the three Ghostly Liberals of the night
before."
    "I don't know, Speaker," said Scrooge uncertainly.  "What you say is mighty flattering.  Culture hero, and all.  But those spirits were pretty convincing.  From a purely personal point of view, I don't want to die alone and friendless and wind up like poor Marley.  But you know what else I've discovered?  It feels really good to help someone.  I don't want to lose that."
    The Speaker shook his head and eyed Scrooge as a schoolmaster does a particularly dense student.  Not a strand of the Great Hair strayed from its proper place.
    "Must I repeat myself?" asked the spirit.  "Bah!  Humbug!  Don't tell me you believed all that stuff?  Those spirits were Liberal agents.  Marley, too.  The man has a price, you know.  Not that that's a bad character trait, you understand.  He just sold out to the wrong people.  There are some people you don't sell out to even if the price is great.  That was a hard principle for me to grasp, too.
    "Anyway, I will show you that you aren't really helping anyone of consequence now, and how you can really do the greatest good for the greatest people.  C'mon.  You've got to give me equal time."
    "Well," sighed Ebenezer, "what's another sleepless night?"

    "Take my hand," said the Speaker, "not my sleeve!  You might smudge the material.  First, I will show you greed and dishonesty."
    Away they went through time and space.  The first stop was a poor dwelling inhabited by a woman and three small children.
    "This is the home of a Welfare Queen," said the spirit.  "She does no work, but lives off the taxes of people like you."
    "Taking care of those kids looks like work to me," Scrooge ventured.
    "Nonsense!"  said the spirit.  "She has children just to get more money from the state!  This one is just getting started.  Some have dozens of the little rapscallions, but I didn't want to shock you."
    "Um, those kids look like the ones the Spirit of Christmas Present was hiding under his robes.  Are you sure she gets paid for them?"
    "Of course she does!" thundered the spirit.  "Welfare queens just don't take good care of their children.  Anyway, she should get a job like honest people do!"
    "Well, she does appear to be able-bodied," Scrooge admitted.  "I suppose there are some jobs available that she could do?"
    "Of course, there are!"  bellowed the Speaker.  "Just look at the classified ads section of this newspaper.  It's chock-a-block with jobs.  Why, here's one:  'Programmer/Analyst, 5 years experience, Unix, C, and C++ required.'"
    "Uh, I don't understand any of that," Scrooge said.  "Can she do that?"
    "How hard can it be?"
    "Ok, suppose she gets that job," Ebenezer continued.  "Is there anyone to take care of her kids?"
    "Of course!  If she makes enough, she can pay somebody."
    "But, Speaker, what if she doesn't?"
    "That's why we have orphanages!  Or she could just leave them on their own like everyone else does."
    "Speaker, I think I've seen enough of this."
    "I knew it would turn your stomach," said the spirit.  "And this is the sort of trash you think you're 'helping.'  If you really want to help, make them get jobs!
    "But take my hand again.  I have another sad sight to show you."

    They were off again.  This time they stopped under a bridge where several people, including men, women, and children, in various stages of dishevelment were settling in for the night.
    "They don't live here, do they?" Scrooge blurted.
    "Disgusting, isn't it?" said the Speaker.  "Like animals.  But I want to direct your attention to that one over there.  See the smug look on his face?"
    "Looks more like exhaustion to me," Scrooge ventured.  "But there are children here.  Why doesn't someone do something about this?"
    "How right you are," said the spirit.  "Not enough orphanages, as I told you.  But let me tell you why that guy looks so smug.  They just raised the minimum wage!  He got a raise without doing a single thing to earn it!  Another raise like that, and he may be able to get off the street!  There's just no incentive any more."
    "I feel sick," said Scrooge.  "Can I go home now?"
    "I know just how you feel," said the spirit.  "But you haven't seen enough yet to prevent your backsliding.  Take my hand."
    "Do I have a choice?"

    The next stop was a gigantic mansion.
    "Wow!" said Scrooge.  "I bet a lot of families live here!"
    "Are you kidding?" said the spirit.  "This is a one-family dwelling.  Of course, there are the servants' quarters.  There's barely enough room here for a single family of quality.  There's the swimming pool, the tennis courts, the stables, the saunas, the bowling alley ...  I could go on and on.  But I have a truly sad tale to relate.
    "This house belongs to the Chief Executive Officer of a large corporation.  Last year he     laid off 40,000 workers, but he only got an 80% raise."
    "Forty thousand?" said Ebenezer incredulously.  "Where did they go?"
    "Um, I think we just saw some back at the bridge," the Speaker said.  "But let's not miss the pathos of this situation.  Other CEOs got 100% raises or more.  This poor guy is wondering if he can afford the new mansion he planned.  He only has three now.  And the yacht for his eldest son is in serious question."
    "This isn't his only mansion?"  Ebenezer sputtered.  "Oh, never mind.  Just how much does he make?"
    "Only about 50 million dollars.  But some CEOs make much more, and none of them succeeded in canning so many people in such a short time."
    "Speaker, can we go now?  I have to go potty."
    "One more stop!  The hand, please!"

    "Actually," said the spirit, "I am taking you on a tour of the law-making bodies of the United States of America.  With my supernatural powers, I can show you all of them at once.  There is the Congress, and there are the various state legislatures."
    "They all seem to be swarming with roaches," said Ebenezer, aghast.
    "Oh, those are the lobbyists," said the Speaker.  "They buy and sell lawmakers.  They are the representatives of the important people of the land, the people who truly need your help, Ebenezer."
    "I don't follow," said Scrooge.  "I don't follow any of it.  Who are the 'important people?'   Why do they need my help?"
    "The important people," said the Speaker, "are the people who count.  The people with money.  Actually, they are people like you, except that they have a lot more money than even you ever dreamed of.  These unfortunate people have been the victims of the evil Liberals for years.  Now the Good Guys are in control.  We draw our inspiration from you.  The you, that is, from before your conversion by the evil forces of Liberalism.  If you aren't greedy and miserly and rotten, I'm afraid Evil may triumph.  Come on, Eb!  Fire Cratchit, let his gimpy kid die, and let all the losers fend for themselves!"
    "Speaker," said Ebenezer, "you have done me a great service.  I was afraid that, whatever my future good deeds might be, my past sins could never be forgiven.  But compared to you, I was a saint!  Thanks for clearing my conscience.  Now, if it's all the same to you, and even if it isn't all the same to you, I want to go home."

    "Shame," mused the Speaker as he winged his way home.  "Such wasted potential."
    Then he brightened.
    "I know!" he said aloud to no one in particular.  "I'll have the book banned.  Then I'll write my own book, with me as the hero!  I make a better leading man, anyway, don't you think?"
    And he bowed his Great Hair to the stars.

This story was first published in the Wheatsville Breeze, November/December 1997.