Democratic Elections

"In other countries, see ... that is, some other countries ... they just swap out tin-pot dictators by military coups. There's no ... what you'd call peaceful exchange of power. That's where we've got 'em all beat, see?"

I had been lucky, on one of my little intragalactic hops to collect quaint and curious folkways, to buttonhole a particularly voluble native of this peculiar, out-of-the-way little blue-green planet.

"So, how's that?" I encouraged him.

"Free and fair democratic elections," he declared proudly. "Guar-on-teed by the Great Big Charter on which our system of government is based!"

"Oh, well, that's good, isn't it?" I said. "So, ... everyone votes, and the pers... the creat... the one with the most votes wins, eh?"

"Er, yes. Broadly, yes." He eyed me a bit hesitantly. "Not everyone can ... or should vote. The Founding Fathers understood that."

"Ah, certainly," I agreed. "Children, the mentally incompetent. Felons, maybe."

"Yes, yes," he mumbled. "Among others. Um, let me put it this way: the Founding Fathers understood that the People, so-called, couldn't always be trusted to elect the right Leader. They're so easily ... led, the People are. Why, promise 'em, like, health care and jobs and, and ... not dying in the street like a dog ... and they might vote for anyone!"

"Hmm, yes, I can see that they might," I said.

"Yes. Yes, indeed!" he continued. "So the Founding Fathers created what we call the 'Electoral Elementary' as a, a buffer. What that means is that when the People vote, they don't actually vote for the Leader. They vote for Electors. Then the Electors choose the Leader."

"And who are these Electors?" I asked.

"They're more ... responsible people, people who are less likely to be swayed by ... benefits."

"Such as jobs and health care and not dying like a dog in the street?" I suggested.

"Exactly!" he replied.

"And by 'more responsible,' you mean ... what, exactly"

"Oh, you know," he replied, waving a hand dismissively. "More intelligent, richer, whiter ..."

"Ah, yes. So these 'Electors' solve the problem of the People not voting for the right Leader. Is that right?"

He squirmed a bit. "Not entirely," he admitted. "Sometimes, the People elect the wrong Electors. Rather often, as a matter of fact. You'd think they would know better, but some of the Electors have gotten to be just as irresponsible as the People who elect them. So then, you have to get the Bad Electors replaced by Good Electors."

"How do you do that," I asked, "since the People have already elected them?"

"A fair question," admitted the native. "There are ways. First, you sue to have all the Bad votes negated."

"What's a 'Bad' vote," I asked, "and how do you identify it?"

"Oh, that's easy," he replied. "No Right-minded person could possibly vote for the wrong Leader candidate, so all such votes are obviously fraudulent and invalid."

"And do the courts invalidate all the 'Bad' votes?" I asked.

"Not as often as you would think," he squirmed. "So then we ask the States with the Bad Electors to dismiss them and send Good Electors to the Elementary instead."

"And does that work?" I persisted.

"Not as often as you would think," he squirmed again. "So you keep on suing until something sticks."

"And does anything stick?" I asked.

"Not as often as you would think." He looked like he was about to wriggle away. "But there's still a remedy!"

"And what's that?" I asked, fearing the answer.

"Why, then, we go to the Vice-Leader and ask him to overturn the election and just choose somebody," said the talkative native. "He can pick anyone he wants to."

"So that works?" I inquired.

"Not as often as you would think," he said.

"Then what?" I shuddered.

"Well, ... there's always the military coup option."

"So how is this different from your neighbors and their interchangeable tin-pot dictators?" I asked.

He looked shocked and insulted. "Because," he said, "we listen to the Voice of the People before we shut them up. And the process is so long and complicated, it has to be democratic!"