Constricted Options

So I'm getting squeezed to death by one of those big snakes. Anaconda, I think. Maybe something else. I'll ask it, if I can ever get in a lungful of air. This is attracting some attention, though not as much as you might expect. Most people are just strolling by in that nothin'-to-see-here mode. Still, I'm hopeful.

The first person to take notice is this big, florid guy, funny orange toupee. Seems to be running things. Or thinks he is. He's the chief proponent of the nothin'-to-see-here attitude.

"Keep moving, keep moving!" he blares. "Snake's doing what comes natural. That guy's trying to cheat the snake out of its rightful meal. This is good for everybody! That snake's a growth engine! Gets rid of the old to make room for the new!"

The others are a bit less homicidal.

One lady says, "Look, just pull the damn snake off that poor man!" and steps up and begins to do so. I begin to breathe a little easier.

But the others restrain her, voicing objections.

"I'm not saying we should listen to the guy with the orange hair. He's too extreme. But you can't just pull the snake off. That's too extreme, too. Think of the consequences!"

'Too extreme'? What the heck does that mean? Is there something you would call 'extreme enough' or 'just right extreme?' And what consequences?

"You don't want to piss the snake off! It might, you know, come after us instead!"

"Or what would happen if the snake went away? You know, stopped squeezing the crap out of people entirely. You wouldn't want that, would you?"

Well, as a squeezee, I'm sure I wouldn't mind that at all.

"Snakes need the freedom to suffocate people without human interference! Unfettered serpentine suffocation is what makes America great!"

"No, that's too extreme! Maybe have an agency to regulate serpentine strangulation!"

"No, that's not extreme enough!"

"How about no serpentine strangulation?" That was the one nice lady, still fighting all the gawkers and pontificators to pull the damn snake off me.

"Oh, no no no no no! Too extreme!"

Eek.

"Ok, I've got it! We get with the snake and ask it to write up the rules serpentine strangulations, then everyone abides by them!"

"Perfect! Just right extreme!"

Gak.