Cat Planet

So, it looked like a friendly enough planet ... oxygen-rich atmosphere, water, abundant plant life. Signs of relatively advanced civilization, too ... roads, cities. Big cities. But empty. I was having trouble spotting members of the alpha species that had built all of that. Hmm.

At length, I spotted a furry, whiskered little critter, ginger in color, industriously tongue-bathing in a sunny little spot near a massive tree. Flopped on the grass nearby, I saw the carcasses of two creatures of the same species, one of the same ginger hue, the other having a tricolor pattern. It didn't look promising, as the furry critter seemed to small to be of the species that built the massive works I was seeing. Also, the cause of death of its fellow critters was unknown so it might be violent. Nevertheless, if the critter was intelligent enough to communicate, it might be able to give me some idea of what was going on on this planet. And in a pinch, I thought I could take 'im, if things got rough.

"Hello, there!" I called, approaching with appendages held high in the "no weapons here" attitude. "I come in peace!"

The two apparently dead critters raised their heads, blinked sleepily, and began bathing each other. Ah.

"I'm trying to find the dominant species on this planet," I continued.

"Yeah, that's us," said the critter suspiciously. Yet he looked intrigued. "Who're you?"

"My name is Salo," I replied. "Some call me 'Salo the Wanderer.' Because I roam the galaxy looking for interesting planets."

"Hmph," said the critter. "You can call me Ponsonby. That's the sort of name the servants could pronounce."

I didn't know what he meant by "servants," so I just carried on with my line of inquiry. "If you don't mind my saying so, you seem a bit ... small to have built some of the mighty structures I've been seeing around here. Could you tell me who built those?"

"Hmph," scoffed Ponsonby. "Certainly. That was the servants. It's their kind of thing. But I thought you were looking for the dominant species."

"I am," I replied. "It's just ... no offense, but it seems to me that these builders must be the most intelligent species on the planet."

"Hah!" He scoffed again. "They were ignorant, superstitious, fearful, savage, slovenly, irresponsible, nasty, brutish, and ... well, too stupid to live, in the end. I'll admit, they did have a few skills. Some of them were decent enough. Those were the ones we employed as servants. They had these things called 'opposable thumbs'." Very handy to have. That's why they could do some things we couldn't. There used to be these things called 'cans.' Had food in 'em. The servants could open 'em up a treat with those opposable thumbs. They could also give tummy rubs and scratch where it itched. Actually, they looked a lot like you. I bet you could open a can with those ... what are they? Flippers?" He sighed nostalgically.

I was beginning to sense a tense in all this, a past tense. "So, where are they?" I asked. "You speak as if they're gone."

"Extinct," sighed Ponsonby, cocking an eyebrow at me. "Didn't I tell you they were too stupid to live? I wasn't exaggerating. I see you're wearing a mask."

"Er, yes, of course," I replied. "Alien atmosphere, not sure if it's quite safe. So ... carrying my own."

"That's just sense, see?" Ponsonby continued. "Now, our servants would have charged in without any equipment, declared their right to die idiotically, and possibly asphyxiated themselves. Something similar actually happened. They had a pandemic and couldn't be bothered to take common-sense measures to protect themselves or anyone else. Even though some of the smarter ones had developed vaccines for the purpose. As mean and selfish as they were, I could understand their not caring about others, even others of their own kind, even their own mates and offspring. But they were too stupid even to take care of themselves. Now, that's an evolutionary dead end for you."

"But what about your species?" I inquired. "Weren't you affected?"

"Ah, us?" smirked Ponsonby. "No, we're way too smart for that. Didn't I tell you? We're the dominant species on this planet."