Bipartisanship

I ran into them on the High Road, and it was obvious that they had no idea what they were doing. If they were ever going to achieve their ... rather odd ... objectives, someone knowledgeable was clearly going to have to take a hand. Apparently, that had to be me.

I guess I scared the crap out of them at first. The Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the little dog, too. Name of Toto. The little girl was a bit feistier, I must admit. They were off to see the Wizard, and they intended to ask him for an array of silly favors. The Scarecrow wanted a brain, the Tin Man a heart, and the little girl - Dorothy, she was called - wanted to "go home" to some fantastical, made-up place called "Kansas," where they supposedly didn't have any colors or indoor plumbing. But did have tornadoes.

"What?" I asked incredulously. "You mean you just intend to ask him to give you stuff?"

"Yes!" they replied naively.

"Without any quid pro quo?"

"What's that?" they asked.

"Um, you have to give something to get something," I explained.

"Huh?" they gawped.

I could see that they were going to need help, so I pretended that I had some silly thing to beg the Wizard for, too, and asked if I could accompany them.

Of course, they said. I knew they would. I knew their type.

So we got to the capital, and we got in to see the Wizard, and they were about to screw things up, as expected, until I took ove negotiations. I was able to negotiate a trade of Wizard favors for the broomstick of the Wicked Witch of the West.

So then, all we had to do was go get the broomstick. And I knew they were never going to manage that without me, so off we went to the WWW's castle.

On the way, Dorothy got kidnapped by a flock of flying monkeys. By the time the rest of us got to the castle, Dorothy was bitching and moaning about being kidnapped and roughly handled by the monkeys.

"That's just ordinary Oz hospitality," said the WWW. "We call it 'ozpitality.' Any impartial observer would think my monkeys were just conducting a normal tourist visit."

"Ix-nay on the itching-bay," I advised. "We need to look forward, not backwards, if we intend to get the WWW's buy-in on the broomstick deal."

"I'm going to kill the lot of you," said the WWW conversationally. "Ah, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Excuse me, I have to go to the little witch's room."

And off she went.

"Psst! Hey!" whispered the Scarecrow urgently. "There's the broomstick, leaning against the wall! Let's grab it and Dorothy and get the heck out of here while the WWW's indisposed!"

It was up to me to quash his eager ineptitude and lack of savoir faire.

"No," I admonished him patiently. "I can't support that. For this deal to work, we must have the WWW's support."

Even with my calm, statesmanlike guidance, I had to wrench the broomstick from the Scarecrow's hands and return it to its place against the wall.

"We would like to make a deal for your broomstick," I said to the WWW when she had returned from the little witch's room.

"I'm going to kill the lot of you," said the WWW. "Ah, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

I proceeded calmly with the bargaining.

"I believe you've been jonesing after a pair of Dorothy's slippers," I suggested.

"I'm going to kill the lot of you," said the WWW. "Ah, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

"How about the slippers for the broomstick?" I continued. I was making steady, if slow, progress.

"I'm going to kill the lot of you," said the WWW. "Ah, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

Then she lit the tip of her broomstick from a burning torch and set the Scarecrow aflame with it. Dorothy seized a bucket of water that was standing conveniently by. I stayed her hand.

"That won't do," I instructed her patiently. "Unilateral actions will only stall negotiations and have a chilling effect on bipartisan understanding."

"I'm going to kill the lot of you," said the WWW cheerfully. "Ah, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

Well, the Scarecrow is ashes, Dorothy is dust, Toto is toast-toast, and the erstwhile Tin Man's head is a flowerpot in the WWW's castle. And oh, yes. It was curtains for the Wizard. And the WWW got her slippers. She has let me stay on to clean the privies and slop out the septic tank. Every morning, like clockwork, she tells me, "I'm going to kill you. Ah, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" But she hasn't, so far. I'm certain that I'm starting to wear her down.