2025

Once upon a time, in a universe as far away as the thickness of a shadow, there was a flourishing nation with a powerful leader, and the year was always 1984.

So I pulled my little two-seater into the inviting blue-green planet, hoping to gas up. Almost immediately, I spotted a likely looking citizen and flagged him down.

"Hail, Citizen!" I cried in my friendliest voice. "How goes the world?"

"I LOVE BIG BROTHER!" he screamed. "MOWA! MOWA!!"

"Beg pardon?" I hadn't understood a syllable of that. "Could you dial the volume down a little bit?" I massaged my tender ears.

"ILLEGAL ALIEN! ILLEGAL ALIEN! Call DTA!!" he blared. Then, "I bloody well can't, you know. Cameras and recording devices everywhere."

Now, I was having trouble in the other direction. "Beg pardon, again? Let's start with this ... Big Brother?"

"I LOVE BIG BROTHER! WE ALL LOVE BIG BROTHER! BIG BROTHER IS THE DEAR LEADER!" He waved wildly at one of a plethora of posters that festooned every building in sight.

"The big orange blob?" I asked. "Is that what you mean?"

"GASP!!! THAT IS THE BEAUTIFUL, ELEGANT LEADER OF OUR COUNTRY!!! But now you mention it ... well, yeah."

"So, what is 'MOWA?'"

"MAKE OCEANIA WHITE AGAIN!" screamed the citizen.

I looked around. "I see all the colors of the rainbow. Are you saying you want to ... whitewash ... everything?"

"YES!! THAT IS, NO!!!" he howled. "You know what I mean!" He pawed at his skin and mugged meaningfully.

"And what about 'DTA?'"

"DEATH TO ALIENS!!!" he cried. "YOU'RE AN ALIEN!! Wow! You're a real alien!"

I wanted to ask more questions, but at just that moment, a paddy wagon rolled up and whisked the man away. The last thing I heard was his plaintive wail: "I DO LOVE BIG BROTHER!! How could you have heard everything I whispered?"